Onward to 2014

2013 has been a decent year for me, I guess. Not particularly terrible and not really spectacular, but decent. I achieved a fair amount of success in my career and I went on 2 awesome vacations. Those are pretty much the highlights. In between was lots of alcohol, fun times with my friends, some boys, and a little bit of sex here and there. That’s sufficient, I guess.

But as 2013 starts winding down and 2014 looms just over the horizon, I’m going to play catch-up and take stock of what I have going on now, what I’ll be leaving behind in 2013, and what I’ll be looking forward to in 2014:

Blaze: I’ve managed to calm my feelings down. He actually came over really early in the morning (like, around dawn) last Saturday. I gave him what he wanted and he left. Same ol’, same ol’. That’s all it is with him and that’s more than likely all it’ll ever be. He’s told me that in so many words and most importantly, he has SHOWN me that with his actions, so in the end he’s completely faultless in any kind of resentment I may ever feel regarding the situation because he has been the exact same since I met him. He has never made false promises or strung me along or led me to believe that he wants anything more from me than what he asks for. I can appreciate that. I wished him a Merry Christmas but he didn’t respond. Blah. I’m going to try to let it go. REALLY try. That’s all I can do. This is not by any means a fulfilling or satisfying situation for me, for many reasons. If my history with men is any indication, I’ll have completely forgotten about him in a couple of months and be going about my merry business, and suddenly he’ll come back out of nowhere and actually want to date me or something. But I’ll be irrevocably uninterested in him by that point. That’s how it always goes with me. They never want me when I want them…only when I’m long over them and completely not attracted to them anymore do they somehow manage to always start sniffing around again. It’s like a special superpower that men have.

Domino: We rarely ever talk anymore. I wished him a Merry Christmas and he wished me one back, but that’s about it. It’s been extremely intermittent contact since he moved to his new position at work and has claimed to be working a lot and busy all the time and this and that. And that may be true, but I know when I’m being blown off. People make time for who/what they want to make time for. I’ve been around long enough to know that when a guy keeps telling you he’s busy, what he really means is that he’s too busy for YOU. I was browsing Facebook last night and saw some pictures he was tagged in by someone I think is his sister, and one of them featured him and some random girl posing together. I can’t help but to think it’s probably a romantic interest of his. Not something I’m going to loose sleep over though…it is what it is. We had our fun and it just kind of fizzled out.

Goodbyes: I’m losing a good friend. Actually, I lost him about 6 weeks ago. I live in the house of a good guy friend of mine that I’ve known and trusted for over 5 years. It was smooth sailing until he started dating this girl late in the summer and before I knew it, she was basically living here. I wasn’t exactly pleased with that because it wasn’t the situation I had originally moved into, but more than that, I just never got a good vibe from her. We got along okay in the beginning, but I just never really took to her like that. And quite frankly, I just didn’t, and still don’t, feel like she is for him. He happened to inform me one night of some negative comments she had made to him about me, I ended up getting into it with them both, and it was all downhill from there. Basically, she made him “choose” between her and me, and he chose her. So the last 6 weeks have been like living in hell. I’ve felt unwelcome and awkward at home and it has made me really hurt and angry. And as the confrontational person that I am, I have not been shy with either about them about the way I feel. Ultimately, I think it’s sad that a girl that claims to care about him would purposely seek to alienate him from what she knows was a good, longstanding friendship of his, and even sadder that he obviously felt that his little 5-month relationship was more important than this same longstanding friendship. In any case, I’ll be out of here next week and I cannot WAIT. I wish them both the best. Eh…actually they can both go to Hell, really. He already knows that once I’m out, we’re done. I would never want to reestablish a friendship with someone who would treat me like that. Screw it.

New Beginnings: I scored a nice new place with my friend, Sarah. I was hesitant at first because she’s had some financial issues in the past and I wasn’t sure about moving in with yet ANOTHER friend who, if history is any indication, I will only end up falling out with eventually. But I had already kind of preliminarily committed to it once my current living situation started spiraling downhill. I knew I’d be moving in a couple of months and she brought up the idea of us getting a place together. So I figured what the hell. Living alone these days is expensive.  I can afford it, but it’s not friendly to the wallet. Why spend more money living alone if I don’t have to? That leaves more money for life’s necessities, like clothes and alcohol. At the very least I figured I’d try it out for a year. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll just move on and do my own thing. No big deal. So…I’m excited. I’m excited to get the fuck out of the hellhole environment I live in now, and excited to have a new place to decorate and make into a home.

Teeth: I just started Invisalign treatment this week. I have some inherited teeth imperfections that I’ve lived with and tolerated all my life, and also managed to still feel and look pretty attractive in spite of. But recently I got fed up and started craving a change and thus decided to do something about it. So now here I am, with a little over a year of treatment to get through. Right now I’m just trying to get used to having plastic in my mouth upwards of 22 hours a day and not being able to eat or drink as freely anymore. It’s a bit of a lifestyle change and kind of burdensome so far, but I’m sure as I start seeing my teeth improve, and especially once I see the end result, it’ll all be worth it

Fitness: So as long as I’m embarking on a physical improvement quest teeth-wise, I decided to get more serious about improving my body as well. I’ve never been a big girl or anything, but I could definitely stand to loose a few pounds and to tone up. So I’ve been doing so, mainly just by keeping up with the gym and/or cardio a couple of times a week and watching what I eat. I don’t believe in fad dieting…those weird diets where you eat only this or only that or paleo or no-carb or juicing only or anything weird like that. I love food and I don’t want to limit myself with ANY of it. But I just don’t go crazy. Moderation, portion control, and water…my 3 keys to success. Well, along with the gym…4 keys to success. So far, so good. I’ve lost a couple of pant sizes in recent weeks and people have commented here and there on my weight loss, so it’s clearly working. Invisalign is apparently going to be a big help being as you have to take the trays out to eat and brush and floss your teeth before putting them back in. As a result, random snacking is no easy task anymore.

Random Crushes: I’ve somehow managed to develop a bit of a crush on a direct subordinate of mine at work. I always thought he was hot, even before I was his boss. I would see him around from time to time but we had never had occasion to interact until I started working with him. Even after then he had always been pretty quiet around me and we never said much more to each other than was needed. And I thought he was engaged anyway. But recently…like, as recently as this past week…it seems like he has started to subtly flirt with me. It’s hard to tell, but I feel like he’s trying to. He has definitely started coming out of his shell around me. There’s a lot of playful back-and-forth banter. I’ve been careful to keep things pretty vanilla and not to cross any lines, but I can’t say that he doesn’t intrigue me the littlest bit. But I’m his superior. And while there’s no explicit rule against fraternization or anything like that at my job, any type of romance between us clearly wouldn’t be a good idea. Not only do I feel like it would be highly inappropriate, but I also wouldn’t want to open myself up to any allegations of sexual harassment or what have you. So I don’t say anything sexual or romantic or anything inappropriate to him whatsoever. It’s just some innocent teasing back and forth, like I do with a lot of people I work with and/or supervise. But I feel like we’re both TRYING to flirt with each other, but are both just being cautious, given the situation, and restraining ourselves. It’s weird. I’m going to be good, though. So many ways this could backfire.

Dating: It’d be nice to do that sometime. I can’t even remember the last time I went on a real date…as in going out and doing something fun with a guy I’m actually attracted to. The guys that want to take me out are always the ones I’m not romantically interested in (like Woody), and the guys I would want to date are always the ones that just want to keep things sexual (like Blaze). That’s literally the way it always is with me. So for once it’d be nice if the person that wants to take me out, and the person I’m attracted to, could be one and the same. I reinstated my Match.com account last week to see if I would have some luck there. I still had a couple of weeks left on a previous subscription. But as usual it appears to be a bust. Guys look at your profile repeatedly and/or send winks and/or send “likes,” but don’t say anything. And even if I wink back, they don’t say anything. Weird. My subscription expires the first week of January. I’ll try and keep it going until then. But ultimately, it’s just annoying.

In any case, I’m looking forward to 2014 being a good year for me. Come what may, I’m definitely going to be looking better at least.

Delusions of Grandeur

Weeks and weeks ago, Woody asked me to come over for dinner. He said he would cook a couple of steaks and I told him I’d come, but I didn’t feel up to it so I kind of blew him off. I noticed a little bit after that that he wasn’t answering my texts or calls, so I asked him what was up with that when he finally did respond to my contact. Come to find out he was a little pissed at never hearing from me about dinner. Admittedly, I think I did agree on a tentative Tuesday and then just never broached the subject again and obviously didn’t go, so I did feel a little bad.

But I told him I didn’t appreciate him acting like a jerk because I don’t respond to his romantic overtures. He swore it was nothing romantic, that he was just asking a “friend” over for dinner. I told him I think he’s an awesome person, but I don’t want him expecting anything. He swore that although he thinks I’m hot, he genuinely just likes eating/drinking with me and wouldn’t cross that line. A couple of days after that conversation he told me he missed me in a completely non-romantic way, and I thought that was sweet.

I was talking to him Friday and he asked if we could do dinner Tuesday or Wednesday. I told him we could do Wednesday. I was a good girl this time and followed up Tuesday night. He said he didn’t feel like cooking and suggested we meet at this fancy steakhouse that I’d never been to. I agreed.

We met there around 7 on Wednesday night and had a pleasant dinner together. We both had some marvelous filet and lots and lots of wine (mine white, his red). He even wanted to do a shot at some point, so I obliged. It was a great dinner. It was good fun. The bill was over $200.00. I offered to split it, but he wouldn’t hear of it. Including the tip, he spent close to $300.

He wanted me to come over his house for some more wine, but I didn’t think that was a good idea, nor did I feel like driving there. He did offer to drive me there and bring me back, but still…no thanks. He suggested that we could go hang out at a neighboring restaurant’s bar.

I was tired, but I was down solely for the simple fact that during dinner, I had started texting Domino and he seemed amenable to me coming over. He was working late, but said he would be off within the next hour. The location I was at with Woody would’ve made for a little bit of a shorter drive to Domino’s house as opposed to me driving home and then waiting for him to get off work, so I kind of selfishly used Woody to bide my time until Domino was closer to getting off of work.

We trekked over to the neighboring restaurant and sat at the bar; I ordered a martini and Woody got a shot of Patron. The conversation was waning slightly, but was fairly steady, and all was well…until that awkward moment when he leaned in and tried to kiss me. I gave him a WTF-are-you-doing look and pushed him back. He tried once more and I pushed him back again. He relented, but told me he just wanted one kiss. NO. I told him we won’t be doing any kissing…ever.

So that basically killed the mood for me. It’s just so God-awful annoying that he would try that after I’ve told him over and over that I’m not interested in him like that. I can chalk a little bit of that boldness up to the alcohol, I guess, but he wasn’t really that drunk.

I hurriedly finished up my martini. He paid once again, then we parted ways. I called Domino to see what his status was and he told me he’d be leaving work shortly and would be home in about half an hour. I had the same length of a drive to his house, so I told him I’d meet him there. I got there about 7 minutes before him. He took a shower while I donned one of his T-shirts and got into bed, and then he get into bed and we watched a little bit of TV. It wasn’t long before we were having what turned out to be completely unremarkable sex. I rode him for about 2 minutes and he then came and that was that. We chatted for a little while and then drifted off to sleep.

He had teased me in the past about how I drift toward the middle of the bed while I’m sleeping (I’m naturally used to having a whole bed to myself most nights, being a single gal) and basically force him off the bed. He claimed one time he even went and slept on the couch in his man cave for a little while because of this. Oops. I tried to be better about that this time.

I left the next morning once he started getting ready for work. I was the slightest bit hungover from all the drinks the night before, so it was perfect that I had a sizeable chunk of leftover filet mignon to snack on during the drive home, courtesy of Woody.

I haven’t failed to see the irony in the fact that I had a man spend hundreds of dollars to entertain me and then immediately afterward I went and spent the night with someone else. But I can’t help that Woody still obviously has delusions of a romance blossoming between us when I have been very candid with him in that he has no chance here. I suppose that, like with most men, that only stimulates the hunter instinct in him and makes him only want me all the more. I know the feeling.

My birthday’s coming up and I facetiously asked Domino what he was getting me. He asked what I wanted and I said dinner. He claims he’ll take me. We’ll see.

Men & Stuff

Woody still sniffs around on occasion, but I’ve been honest with him in that he has no chance here, and I think (or hope) that he’s come to accept that. We had to have this discussion a couple of weeks ago after he made a sexual innuendo regarding there being an “opening” at work that he’s hoping to fill. It was clear that the opening in question was my vagina. Gross (my exact reply). He then said I might be surprised what happens if I put half the energy into realizing I like him that I do into NOT liking him. I explained that it’s not a matter of liking him or not liking him, I’m just not interested in getting involved with anyone I work with (been there, done that, got the T-shirt, wrote the novel, directed the movie, won the Oscar, and so forth…). He said all he wants is one kiss so he knows what he’s never going to have. I didn’t even entertain that comment.

I like him a lot actually. I just don’t want to have sex with him. Like I don’t want to have sex with my brothers. Or other male relatives. Or any other chronically platonic male figures in my life. But I do like him…he’s not a bad guy at all.

He asked me out to dinner the week before last, but that never came to fruition. I wasn’t sure if that would be sending him mixed signals so I didn’t bother with it. We’ve talked here and there since, but I try to keep my distance so as not to give him the wrong impression.

In other news, there’s a guy, Howie, that I went to college with. Since those years, we’ve kept in touch intermittently through Facebook. He’d send me messages every blue moon to see how I’m doing and I’d politely respond. A few weeks ago he hits me up to remark on how he didn’t know that a buddy of his from high school was my cousin. I do vaguely recall us uncovering that fact back in college, and I told him this. He laughed and said he forgot. Then he proceeded into the usual catching up – how have you been, where are you living, etc. But then there was a deviation – he suggested that we could get a cup of coffee sometime. I thought that was out of the norm, but I figured he was just being polite. And politely in turn, I said that’d be great. And really, I wouldn’t mind doing that, so I wasn’t just saying that for the hell of it, but I just didn’t think he was serious. I figured we’d make tentative plans and then I wouldn’t hear from him for the next year or so, like usual. But after that, he started hitting me up every few days via Facebook and we’d shoot the breeze for a little bit. He eventually repeated the coffee suggestion and we even went so far as to exchange numbers.

My cousin hits me up on Facebook the Friday before last and reveals that Howie has had a crush on me since college. I was hard-pressed to believe this because I never got that vibe from him back in college. Granted, I never knew him that well…our social circles intersected to some extent but I only knew him through friends.

I was amused, so I decided to speak directly to Howie myself, as I now had his number to do so. I texted him asking if what my cousin said is true. He was caught off-guard of course, but he conceded that my cousin told the truth – he had a college crush on me and always thought I was very attractive. He again suggested we get together for coffee. I actually don’t drink coffee at all. Never had it and never intend to. I told him this, and then revealed that alcohol is a perfectly acceptable substitute. He said we could grab a drink then, and I said I’d like that.

And…I haven’t heard from him since. So oh well. He’s the one that asked me out, so the ball is in his court. I’m completely disinterested in being the primary pursuer or initiator in any romantic scenarios these days. If he was serious about going out, then I expect I would’ve heard from him by now. Meanwhile, I’m not losing sleep over it or anything. He’s pretty good looking, but not my usual type. He does have a great body – if it’s still the way I remember it from college and from his Facebook pictures – pretty muscular, but not repulsively so. I’d entertain him, if he came correct. But otherwise, no love lost. Literally.

On Friday, Domino was talking some football related trash on Facebook, and I wrote on his status that he’s gay. He sent me a text later exclaiming that of all people, I should know he’s not gay. (Wow, how clever.) I told him that actually, I’ve had my suspicions since he gave me, of all people, the cold shoulder. What a jackass.

Last week I bit the bullet and reconnected with an ex – Hawk. We had a falling out 3 years ago and hadn’t spoken since. We had already been over by that point but were pretty amicable until then. I barely remember the specifics, but it surrounded the fact that he was obviously hinting at rekindling our romance at a certain point, but then tried to deny it when I called him on it and then tried to play the tough guy role. So I got fed up with him and cut him off completely. But recently, I’d randomly started wondering what he was up to. I went back and forth between letting sleeping dogs lie and sucking it up and reconnecting due to curiosity about how his life is going. Eventually the curiosity got the best of me so I scoured Facebook, found him, and we ended up messaging a bit. He gave me his number and told me I could call him sometime, but I didn’t get around to it until Saturday night. We spoke and caught up. He seems to be doing well and I’m glad. I’m completely uninterested in rekindling anything romantic with him (not that he would want that himself or anything), but he’s an alright guy and perhaps we’ll stay in touch. We’ll see.

So as it stands now, summer is over, and winter is approaching, which is apparently when you’re supposed to try to find someone to keep you warm when it’s cold outside. I guess I’m SOL for right now.