Unrequited

So Woody officially declared his undying love for me the other night…blah.

He came to hang out at the house for Cinco de Mayo and we were sitting around sipping on some drinks when he decided to confess to me that he’s in love with me and thinks about me all the time and blah, blah, blah.

So awkward. So unwanted.

I guess I should be flattered, but it’s annoying. I really love Woody as a friend. He’s been a crucial part of my support system (especially concerning stressful work-related events as of late), he’s fun to hang out with, and I do adore him…but in a strictly platonic way. I am in no way, shape, or form sexually or romantically attracted to him and I’ve never lead him to believe that I am.

So his displays of romantic adoration annoy me because I cannot see how can I possibly maintain a friendship of this caliber with a guy who has these deep feelings for me that aren’t reciprocated. I want us to be friends, but in being friends I need to be able to talk about anything and everything (i.e. my love life, or lack thereof) without feeling awkward or bad about it because, knowing he has these feelings for me, I’m probably causing him pain talking about other guys.

I told him about having sex with Rocky at some point (without revealing Rocky’s identity). He played it cool, but knowing what I know now, it makes me feel bad.

The last time I had to lay down the law to him about my lack of interest in him was the result of a party we went to where an ex of mine was present. At this same party, I stated to a third party in front of Woody that Woody was like a brother to me. Later on after we had parted ways for the night, I received a barrage of texts about how he’s only one person’s brother and that person isn’t me, and how he can’t believe I’d get involved with my ex yet not with him, and things of that nature. He apologized eventually, partly blamed the liquor, and I thought we were over nonsense like that.

And now this.

I think where I get irritated is that whenever he alludes to having any type of romantic interest in me, it makes me wonder whether he’s truly hanging out with me as a friend, or whether he’s covertly trying to woo me and hoping that one day I’ll cave and fall into his arms. And I really don’t know what else I can say to convince him that that will NEVER happen.

He would do probably anything for me and he treats me like a queen and he’s a good, genuine guy, but I’m just not romantically attracted to him. He’s not my type. Not bad looking, just not for me.

It’s strange to be on the other side of the unrequited love equation, because usually it’s me pining after someone who has no interest in me whatsoever.

Anyway…Blaze hasn’t been answering my texts and neither has Rocky. Oh well.

Zach is still a douche. He sent me a litany of texts last week about how he’s taking my number out of his phone because all he ever wants to do is hook up and it’s not good for either of us and some other nonsense. I told him to stop with all the dramatics because it’s not that serious. I’m keeping his number in my phone and he’s keeping mine because we’re friends. And that’s that. He acquiesced to that. But then last night he was talking about hooking up and I told him I’m not interested in that because he’s a selfish lover and it just doesn’t turn me on. He actually texted me as I’m writing this asking me about my day…

Got a text from Domino last night which was just a picture of a thumbs up. I replied “Who’s this?” as if I didn’t have his number in my phone just to screw with him. He then acted like he had the wrong number. I called him by name at that point, and then he asked who I am. Really? You texted me, jackass, which is basically what I said in so many words. He still insisted that he had the wrong number. Yeah, okay…

It’s Raining Men

Rocky: I remember being so giddy in the immediate aftermath of Rocky’s previous visit, only to get to work later that day and be delivered highly distressing news. As a result, my focus on him came to a dead halt for a time as I had more pressing matters to contend with. Nevertheless, just like that last entry, I once again write subsequent to a visit from him.

Since that morning we’ve been in intermittent contact, but not in such a salacious manner like before. He hasn’t initiated any kind of conversation along those lines so I’ve just been going with the flow. I did end up sending him some more naughty pictures the week before last just to kind of test him. He responded positively, but that’s about it. Most of our recent conversation has centered around me offering my assistance with a work project, namely by creating a CD of files he needs for it. We spoke last week and he told me he’d meet up with me this week to pick it up.

I texted him yesterday to make arrangements for him to get the CD. I let him take the lead on making the plans because I wanted to see if he’d want to meet at work or be willing to come to my house. He asked when I was working and then asked if I’d be available around 11 today. I told him I wanted to try to get to the gym but otherwise would be available. He asked if the gym was closer to home or to work, which struck me as odd because it implied that he maybe wanted to meet me there in lieu of at my house. I took that to mean that he was reluctant to come to my house because other things might happen. I asked why this sounded like some type of covert CIA operation and then told him he needn’t worry about coming to my house, I’m not going to sexually assault him or anything. I told him I would literally walk the CD out to his car if that makes him feel better. Or I could just deliver it to him at work. He said I must think he’s a wimp. I said I know he’s not, but that I can sense that he’s kind of frightened of me. He said it’s himself that he’s frightened of because he has no self control. I told him of course he does, after all it did take me about a month to wear him down. I was being facetious of course. He never answered so I’m not sure he appreciated my humor.

In any case, he said 11 this morning so I still expected him at that time. I was out kind of late last night but I woke up at 9 nonetheless and texted him to see if he was still coming. He confirmed that he was so I showered and groomed and primped myself so I would look good for him. I wasn’t really sure what to expect…if he would just grab the CD and bounce? If he would want to hook up? While I was hoping it wasn’t the former, I wasn’t exactly intending on pressing him for the latter. I was just sort of hoping he’d want to all on his own.

As promised, I opened the door with CD in hand and handed it to him as soon as he stepped in. He took it and thanked me and I think I was smiling stupidly and/or must’ve said something to the effect of “I told you so” (as in: I told you I would do what I said with no funny business), because he said something like he feels like I’m being smart. He then came in for a hug and we embraced and he looked so good and smelled so good and felt so strong that I couldn’t help but to nuzzle his neck a little. Nuzzling turned into kissing and his hands started traveling lower down my back and he pressed me against the wall. He asked where my roommate was and I told him not to worry, she’s knocked out in her room. I then suggested we go upstairs to my room in case she wakes up and comes downstairs. He told me he shouldn’t, but we kept on kissing and then I told him I could just take care of him really quick. He didn’t protest, so I took his hand and led him up to my room.

I told him he doesn’t have to be afraid of me, I’m not scary. He said it wasn’t that, but that he felt guilty after he left the last time. I reminded him that he has nothing to worry about, his secret is safe with me. We started kissing again and he backed me up against a wall yet again (must be his thing) where we made out some more. It wasn’t long before he took my shirt off and was pushing my bra straps down and fondling and kissing my boobs. He led me over to my bed and sat me down and stood in front of me and pulled himself out. I went to work and he came in less than a minute. I sat him down next to me on my bed and we talked for a little while about various things. It wasn’t long before I felt the urge to put my mouth on him again, so I made him lie back and I took his pants down and went back to work again. He was completely soft when I started and it was taking considerable effort to get him aroused again, yet slowly but surely I was starting to make some progress. And then his phone rang. And it was the girlfriend. He didn’t answer of course, but needless to say, the mood was spoiled. So much for that.

He got dressed and I walked him out and he kissed me goodbye. He told me I’m a bad influence. And I am. And I don’t like that I make him feel guilty. I want to make him feel good, not bad. He’s obviously conflicted over this situation. He’s clearly physically attracted to me on one hand, but on the other hand, he’s in a relationship. He obviously did try to resist me initially, but I purposely wore him down, and that makes me feel kind of bad. I don’t want him leaving me feeling guilty about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m corrupting him either. That’s no fun. So I think I’m going to leave him be. I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring him to do things he doesn’t feel good about. If he initiates contact with me, I’m all for it. But I will let the ball be in his court.

Woody: Woody has been great lately. I spent most of the weekend after my terrible job news in a state of pseudo-depression, which Woody was kind enough to assist me with drinking away. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me sort through things. He really is a great guy. If only I were sexually attracted to him…

Unfortunately we had to have yet another discussion about how romantically interested in him I’m totally not. I had to break it down to him that I am in fact NOT at all attracted to him in that way and never will be. He always acts like he understands that and is fine with it, but then I can always sense an undertone to his demeanor like he’s secretly hoping that I’m going to break down one day and run into his arms or something.

In any case, we’ve managed to remain grand friends after that minor bump in the road. He’s been a great source of wisdom, logic, and comfort, and I really am glad we are friends. We’ve had dinner and drinks several times this week as a matter of fact. The other night alone he spent $245.00…yikes.

Curt: The Friday before last I went to a happy hour with some work friends and became acquainted with a guy named Curt. I know Curt from around the job but we’ve never really spoken before. We got to chit-chatting about various topics, including bicycling. I recommended a brand to him and he said he would check it out. Lo and behold, he ended up asking me for my phone number shortly before he left, under the guise of discussing biking. I knew that was a ruse, but I went with it. He’s not my usual type, but he’s not a bad looking guy.

We started texting and he got around to asking me if I had a boyfriend. I playfully pointed out that I caught on to his ruse, to which he confessed. He asked me out to dance or something for that Monday, but I was so tired/hungover from the rest of my antics over that weekend that I wasn’t up to it when the time came.

He maintained contact and had invited me to a happy hour last Friday, but I didn’t feel like coming out so I didn’t reply. He called me that evening and said that all of his friends/co-workers kind of flaked on him, so he wanted to know if I was coming. I said no, but offered him the option of coming to hang out at my place if he wanted. He ended up coming over and we drank and ordered food and watched a movie. I looked and felt like a mess. I didn’t really bother getting dolled up for him or anything since I’m not extremely interested in him. But it was a good time in any case. He’s not bad to hang out with.

Blaze: The same night I met Curt, I ended up hanging out with Blaze after he texted me later that night to see what I was doing. He said he was drinking at home and wanted me to come over. I told him I’d had a little to drink and was tired, so I wasn’t interested in driving all the way there for 20 minutes. He said I could stay. Hmm…ok.

I get there, we hang for a bit, and then we go to his room, which I’ve actually never been in. We do the usual and then go to sleep. Not before him telling me that he has to work in the morning and thus has to get up at the crack of dawn, which at that point was in a couple of hours. That annoyed me because I wouldn’t have bothered coming if I knew that was the case. I was too tired to protest so we went to sleep. He actually spooned me, which was interesting.

But I was not happy when his alarm went off and the first thing he did was wake me up so I could leave. I mean, really…I can’t even stay until you’re done getting ready for work? That kind of annoyed me. And part of me feels like he probably didn’t really have to work at all, but just made that up so he could kick me out early. Whatever.

Brett: The next night I went out and ended up meeting a hot guy named Brett. I was completely wasted so I can’t really recall exactly how we met in the bar, all I know is that we ended up making out there (I think) and then outside near my car, which we walked to during my short-lived determination to drive us both to my house before (thankfully) realizing I was way too drunk. His roommate that he was with ended up fetching us and driving us all back to their house, whereupon arrival Brett and I escaped to his room and spent most of the night having drunken sex. In the morning we did it again and then talked for a while. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. And was pretty cute.

He drove me back to my car and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t think he was going to because he waited until the very last second, but he asked if I wanted his number right as I was opening the door to get out. I took it and gave him mine and we kissed goodbye. Yet the several texts I sent him in the days afterward went unanswered. So I deleted his number. What was the point of that, exactly?

Zach: Zach is a douche. He reinforces this time and time again, but I always seem to forget. He was texting me several nights ago trying to get in my pants, but insisting that we do it a certain way that I wasn’t interested in. And because I rejected that idea, he wasn’t interested in doing it at all. Which is par for the course with him, because he’s the most selfish lover I’ve ever known. And that’s why he’s so mediocre in bed, and why, although he’s pretty good looking, I’m just really not turned on by him.

Mission Accomplished

Rocky certainly was a hard nut to crack, but in the end I did manage to crack him. He actually left my house only several hours ago. It was our first encounter together (besides our drunken antics at the bar when we initially met). Whether it will be the last, only time will tell.

The last I wrote, I had texted him the night before to offer my help with a work project. He didn’t answer me immediately so I figured he was just going to ignore me. I wasn’t particularly surprised so it didn’t bother me.

But then, 5 days later, he responded to thank me for the offer. And something about that timing just struck me as odd. The fact that he bothered to answer at all, and then the fact that he answered so long after I’d texted him. Was he just extremely busy and it slipped his mind to respond, or did I pop into his mind or something? I just had a sense of intuition about it.

In the ensuing days we had minimal conversation back and forth about innocuous subjects. I noticed that he texts very grammatically correct. He uses proper capitalization and punctuation and things of that nature and I thought it was really cute. I’m kind of a grammar Nazi sometimes and I myself tend to text in proper sentences, so I can appreciate someone else who does as well. I pretty much told him as much and that was that.

The fun really started on the Friday of St. Patty’s weekend. I went out that evening with Carly and got intoxicated. Later in the night I ended up texting Rocky to tell him that I hope he didn’t think that I was trying to make fun of him about the way he texts. He said he didn’t think that was the case. I told him I’m glad, because I knew he’d either want to screw my brains out or kick my ass, and I certainly didn’t want it to be the latter.

His response: “You’re naughty.”

And that did it. The first signs of cracking. The first time since we met that he’d actually flirted with me blatantly. I was flirty in return but he didn’t answer.

The next night, equally as hammered, I asked him if he wanted some naughty pictures or not. He said he did so I sent him several. He never answered. I sent him another on Sunday and he never answered. He actually never responded for that whole week. Kind of an unsettling thing when you’ve just shown parts of your naked body to someone…makes you feel kind of vulnerable and insecure. I wasn’t very happy about that. Did he not find me attractive? Was he just toying with me and getting me to send him pictures so he could show them to people? (For fear of that happening, I never include my face in naughty pictures anyway.) Without any kind of feedback whatsoever I was completely befuddled. Whatever the case, I just wrote it off as a loss and went on with my life with the intention of not contacting him again.

That lasted until the Monday before last. I was out and happened to run into some of his crew. That made me think about him so I broke down and ended up texting him late in the night and asking him if he was just going to ignore me. No response.

The next evening I apologized for any perceived bitchiness. And I offered to make it up to him with a sexual favor. To my delight, he finally answered. And eventually he started being very flirtatious again. He even ended up asking me for pictures, which I took for him and sent him. Cracking even more deeply…now we were getting somewhere. He asked if I was home and I said yes and told him he could come over, but he said he was expected at home.

This past Monday I was out drinking with my friends all day for baseball and I ended up drunk texting him. He talked about being reluctant about this because he’s in a committed relationship. I assured him the best that I could that I would never run my mouth or do anything to get him in trouble. He said if he were to come over, it’d possibly be very early Thursday morning, like around 6:30 a.m. Later in the night he apparently ended up getting drunk himself and started talking dirty to me, which was a bit of a turn on.

We didn’t speak Tuesday. I was kind of trying to wait him out yesterday and see if he’d initiate contact, but finally I bit the bullet and asked if I’d be seeing him the next morning. I was expecting some kind of excuse, because it’s clear that he’s nervous about getting caught (which is understandable), so I figured he’d come up with some reason to back out. But to my surprise he  confirmed that he’d see me around 6:30 a.m. the next morning.

I didn’t get home until a little after 1 a.m. Nevertheless, I woke up shortly after 5 a.m., showered, got pretty, and put on a nice baby doll. I was a little pissed at my face because it’s been breaking out a  bit lately and although it’s simmering down, there are still a few small pimples and some scarring. I have very resilient skin so it’ll all be gone in a matter of weeks, but I wanted it gone NOW. I wanted to look my best and felt like I didn’t, and I hate that. On the bright side though, I think my body looked awesome. I’ve actually lost close to 20 pounds over the last several months by being consistent with the gym and a lot better with my diet, and it shows.  I’m a lot more toned and even showing the faintest traces of a 6-pack, which is pretty neat. So even if my face wasn’t looking its best, I think my body made up for it.

He showed up pretty promptly. Still as cute as I remembered. He’s in his mid-30s and his hair is already greying, but he has a pretty boyish looking face which creates an attractively odd contrast. He came in and I escorted him upstairs to my room. Immediately upon closing the door we started kissing and fondling against the wall.

We made out, I gave him head, and he came. But only moments later he was ready to go again and we had sex. He was on top and it was pretty good stuff. He’s strong and intense.  To my pleasant surprise, he actually pretty big. I barely remembered it from our bar encounter over a month ago, so it was like seeing it for the first time again. He finished (I guess) and then we laid together and talked for a while. Then eventually I started kissing on him again and giving him more head. I would’ve been willing to finish him that way, but before I knew it he was jumping back on top of me. And after a while he was pulling me on top of him and I rode him until he came again. (So refreshing as opposed to my retarded encounters with Blaze.) We laid together for a little bit longer and then he had to go. I walked him out and he gave me a goodbye kiss and that was that.

So now I have to wait out this horrible limbo stage. Was it just a one-time thing, or will he want to see me again? I can’t call it. I’d do it again, but that’ll be up to him. I’m going to leave the ball in his court. Because really, I’m not exactly sure how to proceed at this point anyway. He’s in a relationship, so it’s not like there’s any chance of a traditional courtship or anything like that. We’re not going to, like, get to know each other and fall in love. It’d be strictly a sexual thing, which is fine with me. But I don’t want him to feel pressured or to feel like I’m pressing him or “expecting” something or anything like that, so I’m just going to leave it to him to hit me up again if he wants to. I do realize I need to be careful about texting him anyway because I never know if he’s with his woman and preoccupied or whatever.

And if it was a one-time thing, then oh well. It was worth it.

In other news, Blaze is still Blaze. I had an impromptu sexual encounter with Zach last week sometime. He was tipsy and I was a little tipsy and he texted me at the right time and ended up coming over and we did our thing and then he left. I’ve talked to him here and there since then but not really. And I’m not worried about it at all. I heard through later accounts of the Saturday of St. Patty’s weekend that I made out with an unidentified guy in a bar, which neither me or my friends recall. Oh, and then early the next morning I had sex with Don on my friend Kip’s couch. Woody clearly likes me and seems to think that one day he’s going to wear me down, but little does he know that I don’t operate like that at all. I either want you from the get-go or I don’t. People don’t grow on me…I just want who I want.

Life is grand.