Eh…

My life is epitome of mundane at the moment, so I really have nothing of interest to write about. I’m kind of at my wit’s end with a stressful situation at work that just can’t seem to resolve itself and go away, so that’s kind of putting in a dent in life’s general enjoy-ability factor for the moment.

Weeks ago I was inebriated and sent a drunken text to Chad about how I hope his girlfriend left his cheating ass. I wish I hadn’t, not because I care about how much of a bitch I was, but just for the fact that I initiated contact so it makes me look pressed when I honestly don’t think about him often or care about him. I haven’t seen him since our fateful meet-up in August.

I also sent a drunken text to Wiley a couple of weeks ago about the upcoming election. Ugh. I cringe for the same reasons surrounding the circumstances of my text to Chad.

And subsequently, to prevent these types of mishaps in the future, I deleted both of their numbers from my phone, along with those of several other jackasses that I don’t expect to talk to or hear from again in this lifetime (Zach, Blaze, JP, etc).

The week before last, I strong-armed Scout into telling me he loved me pursuant to a conversation we had regarding whether or not it bothered him if I had sex with other people. He said he “guessed” it was “my business” but implored me to be safe considering our own activities.

Ever the stoic Marine. Despite his veneer of insouciance, I could tell that it was probably something that really did trouble him, yet I think it’s more a matter of him feeling like he doesn’t have the “right” to demand my sexual exclusivity given that he is married and thus cannot offer me the benefits of a full relationship. I’m not sure I officially committed myself to him, but I did say that I have no interest in other people and that I consider he and I a real “thing” despite his limitations. And from there I said I wanted for him to explicitly tell me he loves me. And he did…complete with emojis, which he never uses. So I know it’s real.

In other news, I made the leap from Tinder to Bumble. Tinder has just been rather underwhelming lately, or maybe I’m just sick of it now that I’ve been on it for over 2 years now. (I’m trying not to ponder how pathetic that kind of is given that I still remain just as single as I was when I started on the Tinder train in 2014.)

Besides the luster finally wearing off, for whatever reason notifications of new messages do not push through to my phone though I have the option checked off and thus I have to manually check by opening the app to see if anyone has contacted me. I only remember or am bored enough for it to come to mind sporadically, and thus quite a few conversations have dissolved into the ether due to my inadvertent neglect and general indifference.

My friend Tyra had been raving about Bumble a little while ago, proclaiming that while it wasn’t as big of a pool as a Tinder, the guys on Bumble tended to be better looking.

So the other night, with that in mind, I finally decided to take the plunge. So far, so good, I guess. The guys do seem to generally be of higher quality, but they seem to be a lot more picky as well. Everyone knows that on these match apps, there are people you wouldn’t mind matching with, and then there are people you REALLY want to match with. I seem to not be getting many of the latter, which is a bummer. Maybe I’m out of my league here. I’m getting a good bit of matches overall though…about the same as I would on Tinder, I guess. So I think I’m going to stick with it for a little while and see what happens. I hid my profile on Tinder last night because I don’t really like being on multiple sites/apps at once. I think that comes off as desperation or trying too hard or something otherwise weird.

The pressure to initiate contact doesn’t really bother me because I’m not really putting in effort to say anything particularly clever or groundbreaking to most people for the first message. “Hi” and “Hello” have sufficed so far. Everyone knows that the level of attraction is the ultimate deciding factor as to how someone perceives an initial message, so I don’t feel the need to bother.

The most significant interaction I’ve had so far is with a decently attractive attorney that I matched with around Tuesday night. It started off promising – we began immediately with substantive conversation and he communicated with well-written, complete sentences. Yet by the next morning (with no provocation on my part), he commenced with inserting strong sexual references into the conversation – starting with his random, offhand hypothesis that we’d be good in bed together – which increasingly turned me off as time went on.

A guy delving into sexual territory too soon definitely triggers a certain cringe factor, but nevertheless I ignored it at first because I otherwise did think he was cute and intelligent and so I was willing to overlook one faux pas. Yet it only got worse from there and it became clear, despite our several discussions about it and his claims to the contrary, that he was more than likely just looking for sex.

Between bouts of decent conversation, he just kept on throwing in allusions to sex that started getting irritating. He made a point of telling me how women often are surprised at how sexually confident he is, whatever that means. And all of his “compliments” were tinged with a sexual overtone that I didn’t find necessarily flattering. It wasn’t just that he thinks it’d be fun to spend a day with me, but a day “in bed.” He couldn’t just say I looked hot in the evening dress featured in one of my pictures, but that he liked how I was somewhat “spilling out” on top.

Yet when I’d call him on it for putting the cart a little bit before the horse, he replied that he doesn’t necessarily feel the need to “bifurcate” things…that I should appreciate being “lusted after” as much as I appreciate someone being attracted to my mind. Being lusted after is great and all, but with someone I don’t know and am still trying to assess to figure out how attracted I am to him, that doesn’t exactly send me into a erotic frenzy. Quite frankly, at the risk of sounding vain, I’m used to guys wanting to get into my pants, like most women are. I don’t really find it that compelling unless I’m specifically in the market for a hookup.

Even still, we managed to get as far as even exploring tentative plans for a date; I told him I’d be free the following weekend and he said he’d see because of how crazy things would get for him job-wise around the election.

The next morning, in true fashion, I did not get a good morning or something otherwise civil, but instead a “Ready for the shower?” in reference to both of us having plans to go to the gym early that morning.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when, referring to the knee-high socks I had on as part of a Halloween costume in one picture, he exclaimed that he wanted to see about me wearing nothing but those over at his place. *Sigh*

I’d had enough at that point. And I’m not even particularly prudish so it’s not so much that his sexual comments offended me rather than I just think they were way too premature for how much our chemistry had developed thus far. As well as the fact that I had warned him several times that it was turning me off and he failed to listen. Flirtation is fine and even essential to any type of budding romance, but he was just way too over the top too soon. As “sexually confident” as he thinks he is, he was kind of coming off as a hormonal 15-year-old boy.

We had yet another conversation about our quite obviously different mindsets, yet when he asked where we go from there I was still willing to give him another chance. So I asked if he wanted to text. He replied with some lame remark about how to him texting is more “intimate” and he’d be expecting more. LOL. It was crystal clear at that point that he was just looking for a hook up and thus I just gave him a simple “Ok” and left it at that. And when I later found he had unmatched with me, I gave 0 fucks.

Life is grand!

Slumping

So, there I was just talking about how I know Scout loves me but it’s not something we’ve ever said to each other and that I’ve never asked for him to.

Well I just asked for him to. As of Saturday night. When he hit me up out of the blue asking what I was doing. But it was 10 or so o’clock by then and I was well out into an outing with some girlfriends and a little on the intoxicated side of things. After some miscommunication on my part causing some delay, I ended up Ubering home and Scout came over.

I honestly remember very little of the conversation but for the parts where I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. But his affirming what I knew and felt wasn’t the precursor to us riding away into the sunset together or anything like that…he kind of asked me what I expected from him regarding his marriage, and I told him not a thing. I remember drunkenly reiterating that this did not mean I expected anything to change and I don’t want him to be scared, I just wanted to know. And now I do.

Of course, thinking about it the next day in a sober state, I felt face-palmingly embarrassed. That is definitely a conversation that I would rather have had non-hammered. Ugh. And of course, not having the mental acuity at the time to accurately gauge his REAL reaction apart from what he actually said, I was afraid maybe I had weirded him out. Ah, but it was a Sunday and so I wasn’t immediately able to smooth things over. I had to wait until Monday.

So I texted him Monday morning to basically say as much. To apologize for broaching that topic of conversation while drunk and then to reiterate that I don’t want anything from him that he doesn’t already give me. He said “Ok no worries” and made other terse replies so I felt like he was being short or awkward and told him jokingly to stop being weird. He didn’t answer that and then we didn’t talk yesterday at all. However, today he initiated conversation and we seem to be in our normal midst of things so I guess all is well.

It’s nice to be loved by someone even though it’s not a traditional relationship and will never be completely fulfilling for either of us. But we are what we are and we do what we do. And that’s it.

Lord knows I need love from somewhere because I’m not having any luck on any other fronts.

After several texts over the course of a week or so that Wiley did not respond to, I kind of got fed up and told him off on Sunday. He responded on Monday with stern replies about how he’s been on vacation with barely any service and he told me he’d be scarce and he enjoyed our dates but he thinks it’s best we leave things here. I guess because I wasn’t understanding enough with barely having spoken to him in 6 weeks. Because it’s 2016 and not the 1980s and everyone has a cell phone attached to their hip these days so I would think a guy that claimed to like me would want to make some type of effort to be in contact despite his apparently heavy duty travel as of late. So the fact is…he didn’t like me enough. That solves that. I don’t really feel that hurt about it, the whole thing just annoys me like most dating scenarios do nowadays because it’s usually just a giant waste of my time, as this was.

Then there was Chad, who as of last night stood me up and is still MIA despite a couple of texts, so there goes that too, I guess. Whatever it was.

Last Tuesday night he happened to ask me what I was up to. I had a late work meeting for the then-upcoming conference I was at from Sunday until this afternoon. He asked what I was doing after because he might be out with a couple of buddies. I ended up meeting him and his friends out – 2 other people from work who I did not know until that point.

Nonetheless, once we all warmed up to each other it was a good time. Also the first time Chad and I had hung out outside of work. His friends started taking off after an hour or so, so Chad I left and walked to another place. Not before Chad took it upon himself to pay my $74.00 tab at the one place, which was random and sweet.

At the second spot I saw one of the owners who I’m cool with sitting at an outside table, so I spoke and told him I’d go in and get a drink and be back out. But once Chad and I were inside he expressed discontent at sitting with a third party because he wanted us to have a chance to be alone. Point taken – we ended up having one more drink inside to ourselves before calling it a night.

And we kissed in the bar briefly and then again outside on the way back to our cars. So that escalated pretty quickly.

Texting was pretty scant in the ensuing days due to his work schedule, and then he had an out-of-state wedding to go to over the weekend, but he did call me Saturday afternoon. We then talked some more Monday afternoon when I was headed out for lunch after the conference business broke. It was then that he took the time to tell me how significant it was for him to invite me around those particular friends because they are really good friends of his. I guess, all-in-all to say he likes me, which he had said in the days before as well. Along with telling me how beautiful I am constantly.

So I suppose we had had tentative plans for him to come by the hotel or to hang out in the vicinity later when I was done at an evening conference event, but I never got back to him because I got tipsy and ended up passing out. Yesterday morning I looked to see he had texted me after 11 to tell me he hoped I had a good night. He said I was supposed to text him and I thought it was the other way around, but whatever the case may be we got past that and he ended up calling me in the late afternoon. He had to work pretty late, but said he’s get up with me when he was done and we’d hang out.

I wanted to see him, and I didn’t want to go out and get too drunk or otherwise indisposed so I forwent several activities I could have attended with friends to have my night clear for him this time since I guess I screwed it up the night before. All I did was order room service and chill in the room watching TV. I sent him a couple of texts – particularly one when he suddenly came up under “People You May Know” from Facebook which means he had checked my page out at some point. I joked with him also about how he had said he was worried about me due to several events that had gone on near the hotel.

I texted him again when I knew work was coming to a close. And then again once I knew it was definitely over and I still had yet to receive ANY responses going on 4 or 5 hours now after we had JUST talked on the phone.

Never heard anything from him.

This morning I woke and lamented to him that he had stood me up after I cleared my night for him and I was disappointed. I  sent another text about 2 hours later that it appears he is actually not a nice guy after all.

So I guess we can just assume he died and that’s very sad. Because I would only find a death or life-threatening injury to be sufficient excuses for behavior like that. Considering anything else would just make me kind of angry. So, whatever happened to him, that sucks.

In any case, I’m not really doing that well on the romantic side of things which is pretty much par for the course so at least if you look at it like that, my life is consistent.

But I am in a slump right now that I want to get out of. Scout  and I agreed that 10 pounds would be good for me to lose. I said 20, he said maybe 8.5, so we agreed on 10. And that’s not because he was trying to make me feel bad about myself or that he even brought it up, it was me whining to him so he was trying to help. And I could lose 10 or so. I’ve been wanting it off for a while and was doing really well, but I regressed because I started drinking more, really out of boredom or just lack of anything else productive to do and alcohol does not do the metabolism any favors.

So, going to kill 2 birds with one stone over the next month I guess. And leaving the boys alone, for now. Except Scout. At least someone cares about me, I guess.

Stuff

Well I guess I’ll have to give the aforementioned work guy a name now since he’s been very persistent to the point where it has risen to the occasion of having potential for either delight or disaster. Either/or. I’m not picky. We shall call him…Chad.

SO! Chad did end up swinging by Tuesday afternoon for a quick office visit. Looking pretty handsome, at that. He even made the secretary giggly enough to exclaim “He’s cute!” as we sidled out of my office suite to walk to another location away from prying eyes. And I’ve NEVER heard her say that about anyone (she’s a middle-aged Holy Roller type), least of all right in front of said person. So that’s noteable. He didn’t have long so all we did is shoot the breeze for a little before he had to get on with his business. Not before remarking that we should have a drink. He texted me a couple hours later that he’d just seen a girl that looked just like me, and that she was “beautiful.”

Conversation continued on Wednesday during which I was introduced to a picture of his cutie of a dog. The secretary brought him up out of the blue to rave about how cute he is once again, which I relayed to him. He joked that he would come to see her any time. That was right before 2 in the afternoon. That evening I went home and ended up crashing early – some time in the 7 o’clock hour. I woke up around 9:30 p.m. and was taking a couple of minutes to get my bearings when my phone rang. It was Chad. He wanted to see what I was up to. We talked for maybe 10 minutes but I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation because I was half asleep still.

Thursday, we didn’t talk until the evening when I was out for happy hour with some coworkers. Chad was working but had taken a break to hit a sushi spot with some other colleagues for dinner. When I got around to telling him where I was, lo and behold it turned out he was but a couple of doors down. He ended up stopping in to say hey before he went back to work. He knew one of the people I was with so they exchanged some chit chat before we both moved aside to talk away from everyone else.

The most productive result of that conversation was him asking me out to breakfast the next morning, to which I agreed. He also mentioned offhandedly how it had occurred to him the night before to call me when I hadn’t answered his text message. After we had hung up then I saw that he had texted me at 8:21. He called me at 9:30. That’s barely an hour, so something about that kind of gives me pause for some reason. Is he too pressed too soon? Is he overbearing? Is he territorial? Is he over-protective? Is it me who is strange for thinking something about a simple phone call is off? I guess I’m just so used to texts these days that unannounced phone calls automatically seem “heavy” or something, so it’s probably just me.  No big deal ultimately. He calls out of the blue without abandon, even if his texts go unanswered. Which, to be honest, would weird me out more if I didn’t kind of like him, but I find it kind of charming since I do have a mild interest. Funny how that works. When he left the bar to get back to work he told me to let him know when I got home, which I did. I always find that sort of thing kind of sweet.

Yesterday morning he called me a little before 9:30. After him exclaiming how beautiful I looked the night before, we solidified plans to meet up and go on a walk together to a Panera Bread near our building. He bought us both breakfast and we brought it back to a half-hidden cubbyhole in the building to eat in private. We shared some family histories (his is a little odd, but no big deal – we’re all odd in our own ways) and tales of old mutual colleagues.

It was there that I finally got the elephant in the room out of the way –  the girlfriend he mentioned the evening we met:

– Didn’t you say you had a girlfriend?

– Yeaaaaaah, I did say that, I did…

– So, you did say that, and you DID have a girlfriend, or you still DO have a girlfriend?

– I DO have a girlfriend, but it’s not like I’ve tried to do anything to you.

He says he just enjoys my company and hanging out as friends. Riiiight. But no judgement – yet. He’s right, he has not yet tried to do anything physical like kiss me but the flirtation and compliments and eagerness is obviously romantically centered. I’m not an idiot. I’m not saying he wants to put a ring on it – his interest could lie solely in just getting in my pants, but, assuming his relationship is supposed to be monogamous, he is really pushing the boundaries of appropriateness with another woman.

Before we parted ways he gave me a tight hug and said he would like for us to actually hang out OUTSIDE of work one of these days. We texted some over the course of the rest of the day, and he called me unexpectedly again last night. Wended up talking for over an hour.

As to if or when we will actually hang out outside of work, it’s not looking too good for the near future. He’s busy this weekend and then I’m busy next weekend, so our schedules aren’t corresponding for right now. And then there’s always the question of whether I SHOULD hang out with him, with his girlfriend and all…

Anyway…Wiley and I still seem to be trucking along somehow. I ended up sending another selfie to him on Tuesday night, to which he responded with “Beauty.” I replied with a kissy emoticon because I didn’t really know what or have much else to say. At a little after 1 a.m. the next morning he sent a text saying he was in The Hamptons with his family. Random. I told him I hope he’s having a blast. I sent another text Thursday evening to which he has not responded.

I forgot to mention that on the way back from my Atlanta travels, JP came to mind. Airplane travel always tends to remind me of him since he’s a pilot. I sent a text but he has not responded. I haven’t spoken to him since right after our January rendezvous, so I guess that says it all right there. I don’t picture hearing from him ever again.

I woke up this morning to yet another blast from the past text message – Blaze. It came through close to 3 a.m., so I figured it was a drunken text. He said as much when I responded back this morning, but asked how I was and then said he was partying in New York if I happened to be there. Um, no…I’m home. “Well start driving.” Uh…no thanks. He’s engaged, I believe. Good luck to his fiancé.