New Year, Old Me

Within days of the Adam debacle I ended up reaching out to a friend of mine, who happens to be a coworker of his, to do some venting. The friend – Clyde – accurately sensing my frustration, had asked if I wanted him to pass along anything to Adam, but I didn’t want to risk stirring the pot at that time so I said not to worry about it. I guess it just made me feel better to kind of vent to someone in Adam’s realm if I couldn’t talk things out with Adam directly. Clyde suggested that Adam would probably cool off within a few days and to wait until then to maybe email him and try to work things out.

A couple of weeks ago I took it a step further and used my work phone to text Adam (assuming that he still has my personal phone blocked). I was cryptic about who it was at first, but he eventually figured it out and although he then started being a bit of a dick in pretty much letting it be known he wasn’t interested in talking about anything, I still got to say my piece a bit.

I confessed to missing his conversation and lamenting the fact that we seemed to like each other at some point so I’m not sure where we went wrong. I left off with letting him know that I wouldn’t mind it so much if he reached back out after he gets more time to cool off from everything. When he didn’t acknowledge anything after that, I assumed he probably just blocked me again, but when I asked him to acknowledge, he did.  I’m not sure what the point was, other than I just honestly don’t understand how we seemed so promising and then got so derailed and I felt bad about the way things were left.

Last week I tried my luck with sending a couple of other witty texts that he never answered. I assumed he blocked me again. Don’t really care anymore at this point.

In terms of other romances, I actually had a date the Saturday before last that went pretty okay. It’s a guy I matched with on Bumble way back…around the same time as Adam. I think I even matched with him before Adam and we conversed intermittently but of course I got sidetracked with Adam eventually and he didn’t seem extremely enthusiastic about talking, so nothing ever stuck.

In the wake of me and Adam’s demise, perhaps in the spirit of just having something to do, I reverted back around to him – perhaps we shall call him Benji – and we decided  we wanted to meet up but neither of us was  immediately able to due to holiday activities. We finally got our opportunity the Saturday before last. And it was a decent time even if there were not any raging sparks flying. But I couldn’t tell if it was just me feeling jaded and maybe a little guarded at the moment and needing to think outside of the box so I decided not to immediately count him out though I wasn’t really feeling any excitement over seeing him again.

For all intents and purposes I still found him to be decent looking and conversational and we spent 3 hours together so I figured it might be worth another go. I waited until Monday and asked him straight up if he wanted to hang out again. He said he wanted to see me again so we decided to try again for the next (this past) Friday.

In the days after we made those tentative plans, I was invited to a get together from a good friend of mine, Bing, who recently got a promotion. I didn’t want to miss that, but I also didn’t want to cancel on Benji, so I decided to try to combine the two. Bing had already volunteered that it’d be okay to bring Benji when I told him I might have a date that night. But when I mentioned it to Benji, he said he’d rather it just be us. Fine.

Yet, come Friday evening, within 2 hours of our agreed-upon meeting time of 7 p.m., he informed me that he was running behind and wouldn’t be able to meet up until 8. That left me with dead time on my hands because I had hung around my office a little later than usual since we were going to originally be meeting in an area that was closer to work than to home. Since the delay was on him and I was already not super excited about the date to begin with, I told him I was going to just go ahead and meet up with my friends then and invited him to join if he wanted to, not really caring if he did so or not.

He ended up making it later on and I was cordial and tried to be engaging, but it suddenly struck me that this guy is just totally not my type. I don’t really find him that physically attractive, but then beyond that, in between our dates he really had not made any effort to converse through text. I pretty much never heard from him unless it was me initiating conversation with him. So there was no mental connection to even attempt to make up for lack of physical chemistry. Nice enough guy, but just a total no-go romantically.

Even still, I was polite in introducing him to all my friends, and since he’s actually a colleague of ours anyway, that worked for giving him another legitimate reason to be hanging around the group besides just being my date, which would’ve been especially weird for him given the fact that later in the night when my friends settled up to make their way to another bar, I decided to skip out so I could meet Scout at my house.

As I heard it, Benji ended up tagging along with them to the other bar and actually seeming to have a good time even though I essentially ditched him (I just old him I was tired – he didn’t seem to mind). But the next day, Bing and my roommate Sarah separately teased me about how much of my type he is not. And deep down, I knew that…I guess I was just trying to make a solid effort since going for “my type” seems to have gotten me absolutely no where.

Several weeks ago, like the day after Christmas or around then, I met up with a long time Facebook buddy of mine for dinner. He’s someone who has been orbiting my atmosphere for a while and here and there has been flirtatious, but not consistently. He brought me hangover McDonald’s food a while ago which was the first time I’d ever met him in person. Since then we have intermittently flirted through Facebook messages, but haven’t met up again in person.

For some reason a few weeks back I finally decided to give him my phone number and to move to the texting realm, and we ended up making that friendly date for dinner and drinks. And it just ended up being another case of me not feeling any real romantic chemistry on my end although he has made it clear on his end that he does and several of his texts since then have been annoying exclamations about how he can’t figure me out or how I make it hard for him to flirt with me.

I actually went last night and deleted my Tinder and Bumble accounts – just haven’t been in the mood. Nothing has struck my fancy for a while on either and I’m not really in the mood for dating overall at this point in time.

On the bright side, I have somehow managed to lose the 10 pounds I’ve been trying to lose for a couple of years now. I’m slimmer and trimmer and it’s noticeable so that’s pretty encouraging. I might just focus for the time being on reaching my fitness goals and feeling better about myself overall before delving into the horrid world of dating again.

I Think He Likes Me

In the weeks before Christmas, I jokingly asked Scout what he was getting me. He asked what I wanted, and I told him I was just kidding.

But then I thought about it and decided I did want something. Not because I was being materialistic, but because I felt the need for some tangible reminder of this romance. So that in case something happens, I know that it was real.

Sometimes I think about the fact that if something were to happen to Scout, God forbid, like if he died or something, I wouldn’t be able to legitimately mourn for him as his lover. I could mourn for him as a colleague, maybe as a friend, but I wouldn’t be able to let the world know that this man was someone I loved romantically and just how much it would matter to me if he was no longer here.

He’s married and I’m not his wife and so that is one of the disadvantages of this kind of situation.

And if that were to happen, I wouldn’t have anything tangible to remind me of what we had but my own memories.

So I told, him, yes, I wanted something. Maybe a necklace or something.

I knew he would have no idea what to get me though, so a little while later I asked if he would like some help, and he said he would. I jokingly sent him a link to a $4,000 Cartier necklace, but then I told him that I’d “settle” for something along the lines of Tiffany & Co., in silver. I thought about sending him links to several things in my wish list already and letting him choose, but then I just left it alone and decided to let him truly pick out something on his own, whether it was Tiffany’s or not.

We hadn’t talked about it for a while though – these discussions all took place maybe a month ago.

Then on Monday, he let me know that I should be expecting a package soon. Yesterday, he said it should be delivered by the end of the day. UPS or whoever tends to get to my neighborhood late, so I checked up until almost 8 in the evening but nothing had come. Oh well, I figured it’d probably get to me this evening.

But when I came down this morning to leave for work, I found it waiting for me, courtesy of my roommate, who must’ve wandered across it in her travels some time after I had last checked.

And voila…

tc

He did good. REALLY good. It’s absolutely gorgeous, and just my style. And he picked it out all by himself. And spent even more than he should’ve, or that I even thought he would. Not that that matters, per se, but it’s a nice thought to know that he didn’t go the cheapest route that he could’ve gone, even for Tiffany’s.

It’s the first gift of jewelry I’ve ever gotten from a man in my life. And absolutely perfect. I love it. And him.

Too Early to Call

Well it seems that the former Bachelor #4 requires a certified alias at this point, so we will henceforth refer to him as Adam.

As we left off 3 weeks ago, Adam and I had seemed to spark somewhat of an instant connection, as evidenced by the volley of textual banter that took place on a daily basis throughout that week, complete with an effortless 90-minute phone conversation that occurred very early on. Eventually we scheduled a date for that Friday  which entailed him picking me up at my door at 6 p.m. for a meal at a Mexican restaurant nearby.

That Thursday he made a random request for a picture of my cat to use as part of some type of pet collage he was making for his new desk at work. I thought that was kind of flattering (even if slightly weird)…surely he would not bother asking for a picture of my cat to use as part of something that he would be laying eyes on regularly unless he anticipated me sticking around for a while, right?

I was antsy throughout my work day on Friday – excited, yet anxious, about both my date with Adam and my trip to Punta Cana the next morning. My flight out was very early – 6:30 to be exact, necessitating an airport appearance by 4:30 at the latest – so I was cutting it close by seeing Adam so late into the evening. But I already knew I wouldn’t be sleeping super soundly that night due to trip jitters anyway so I was willing to take that risk.

Of course, as luck would have it, Adam ended up getting caught up in something at work on Friday; he gave me a heads up in the afternoon that it might end up keeping him over, but that he would keep me posted. Ugh. I knew it was legit and couldn’t be helped, but I still felt minor pangs of disappointment in thinking that we would possibly end up not being able to meet up.

I went home that evening and made sure to finish the bulk of my packing, hoping for the best, but as his sporadic updates progressed it became clear that we wouldn’t be making 6 p.m. And then not even 8 p.m. The restaurant in question closed at 10 p.m. so there went that idea once it was past 8 and he still did not seem any closer to being able to leave.

As the night went on, any rest I had hoped to get turned out to be a lost cause, as I maintained a perpetual “in wait” alertness level and thus was unable to fully relax. Once 10 p.m. hit and we were still no closer to our date, I decided to hit the local bar for a couple of drinks to calm my nerves and have something to do since it was past the point of no return in terms of attempting to get any substantial rest. By that point Adam and I had established that we definitely wanted to meet up that night, no matter what time he got out. Even if it was in the early morning, there was always a casino or 2 in the vicinity that we could hit for a few drinks. I just really, really wanted to meet him in person to solidify this thing that was forming, and knew it was important to do so before leaving for Punta Cana. He did too.

So that’s just what we did. He ended up not getting off until almost 2 in the morning. I was back home by that time, all packed up and ready to go. He arrived my door looking every bit as cute as I had imagined. Bonus points were awarded for how interactive he was with my cat – most men don’t like cats so it was refreshing to see that he seemed to enjoy petting her. And likewise. He grabbed my suitcase and put it in his truck, as it was clear that he’d have to end up dropping me off at the airport (saved me an Uber fare!) and off to the casino we went.

To be honest, I was a little buzzed from the drinks I had earlier in the night. We had a couple of rounds together and talked, and I generally found it to be enjoyable, but some of the detail and nuance escapes me. I just know that he was cute, he didn’t seem weird, and we vibed well. He even ended up inadvertently meeting my roommate and a couple of other friends after those drunkards showed up to the casino to drink after the bars closed down. Gotta love a casino for 24/7 liquor availability.

Maybe shortly before 4 a.m., we parted ways with the casino to make our way to the airport. When we pulled up to the terminal, we started with a hug goodbye, but then I decided I wanted to kiss him, so I did. He was very receptive, so what started as a goodbye kiss turned into a makeout session, from which we only took a brief hiatus so that he could drive away from the crowded terminal lane to a desolate parking lot.

There, we continued making out for maybe 10 minutes or so, maintaining a pretty PG-13ish level of contact. He affectionately grabbed my neck some, I sucked on his fingers a little, but we kept it pretty civil. He’s a great kisser though and he tasted good and it was hard to pull myself away, but alas, I had a flight to catch. So eventually, when we were able to settle ourselves down, he rode me back around to the terminal, grabbed my suitcase out of his truck for me, and we hugged and kissed goodbye for real.

I knew it was a good sign when he texted me about 40 minutes later to let me know he’d gotten home okay, and then about how he was glad we had gotten to meet up. Some time over the night we had decided that the following Sunday, right after I got back, we’d go out for our first “real date,” and he reiterated that point and then exclaimed that I’m “super hot” and I can feel free to send him gratuitous bikini shots from the trip, of course.

I started texting him several hours later during a brief layover to say that he was worth staying up for, even if the bags under my eyes say otherwise. He concurred. And from there, and over the course of the week of my vacation, our conversations progressed into considerably more salacious, raunchy, sexual territory of epic proportions. Partly because I was turned on from our makeout session, partly because of liquor, and partly because it was pretty much established from the way he took control and grabbed me during our airport rendezvous that we have many of the same sexual tastes. So the flood gates pretty much opened progressively over the week verbally and visually and we all but established that our second date the Sunday coming would involve sex.

Which I didn’t quite know how to feel about, when I took time to think about it, having had things kind of go down a road very quickly that I was hoping to work up to more slowly. You know, so he can “respect” me and all…but whatever. We definitely did a complete 180 in that over the week before he met, there was a moment where I was being especially encouraging about an exam he was nervous about and he said I was like his personal cheerleader. I innocuously retorted that I could even wear the outfit if he wanted me too, and he said I cannot say things like that because that gives him visuals that might cause him to unintentionally go down a certain road. So I took that to mean that he was actually specifically NOT trying to say anything that would make him come off as a sleaze-ball, and it was kind of endearing.

And then there we were a week later, exchanging naughty pictures. Oh well. Sometimes it beez like that.

Even still, I was kind of on edge about him the whole week because I realized I kind of liked him and was maybe feeling a little self-conscious about the extreme sexual tangent we had diverged onto and whether or not he actually wanted to see me again because he liked me or just because he wanted to have sex with me. I couldn’t really tell.

In any case, I got in late Saturday night. We had talked somewhat throughout my travels over the day and our date was still on, so I was excited.The one minor hitch was that he forgot he was working some overtime that day, so it’d have to be later in the evening, like 9 p.m. Again, cutting it close considering I knew I’d be exhausted from the trip still and had work Monday morning, but I sucked it up.

On Sunday morning, he texted me a “disclaimer” about how he’s feeling slightly sick, and I felt like he was possibly laying a foundation for him to eventually back out of our date, but he eventually reconfirmed that the date was definitely still on, but that he just wanted to warn me that I might get sick. I wasn’t worried.

He got to my house shortly before 9 p.m. and off we went to a steakhouse a little ways up the street where we dined on salmon and wine (me) and cuban pork and beer (him) and talked. I was able to get a better read on him this time in a more sober capacity and I still found him physically appealing, a good conversationalist, intelligent, and alluring, even if maybe just slightly different from the way I remembered him from our first date. He’s really, really smart – probably smarter than me, which I like. He regaled me with his thoughts on the concept of “reverse natural selection,” which I had never thought about before and found especially interesting to ponder.

It was at dinner that I presented him with a small present I’d gotten him from Punta Cana for his desk – a wooden cat carving. He seemed to like it. He even made a few playful cat meow noises which were kind of adorable.

Dinner wasn’t that extensive. I thought the restaurant closed at 11 but it turns out it actually closed at 10, so with us walking in a little after 9, we ended up inadvertently being “those people” and I felt a little bad. I wouldn’t have gone there if I knew they closed at 10.

Afterwards, we drove back to my house and went up to my room. I turned on the TV and attempted to put on one of those 24/7 music channels, but it was terribly bright and the first one I settled on was playing Dionne Warwick or something else horrendous that was not terribly mood setting, so I tuned back to the normal Discovery ID programming because people like us like having sex to the background sounds of murder and serial killers anyway, and sex ensued.

It was decent. Nothing mind-blowing, but definitely a good starting off point. He is huge, which he is very proud of, but of course, it’s not just about the size of the boat…I think he might be somewhat of a more self-centered lover though, so if this continues I will have to monitor that.

He had already mentioned beforehand that he wouldn’t be able to stay over due to work early in the morning, but he did lie around for a little while after we finished. Before he left, we hugged several times goodbye and he said we’d talk soon. And thus commenced the “Will he or won’t he” game.

He did. I fell asleep not long after he left, but woke up pleasantly surprised to see he had written to me later in the night to tell me how hot that was. He was disappointed that he didn’t get me off and expressed his resolve to “work on that.”

So things seemed to be on track, at least to start the week off. He remained fairly communicative and responsive, but then as the middle of the week approached, I started to feel like he wasn’t as talkative or responsive and may have been kind of blowing me off somewhat. I was especially put off on Wednesday morning when I sent him a picture of me in a bra and received what I’d classify as a very lackluster response. Ooookay then. I was kind of in a mood and already feeling kind of like it was inevitable that this would crash and burn anyway (because they all do), so I bit the bullet and told him my thoughts on his response and then remarked that his interest seemed to be waning, but that’s okay. He responded with an excuse about a task he was performing at work that limited his phone-handling capabilities. I waited until the end of my workday to answer: “Cool.” He never said anything back.

I was intent on just letting things fall by the wayside and not speaking to him unless he initiated, but on Thursday, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I sent him some holiday cheer. Only to receive no response after more than several hours. Really, dude? He responded back eventually (not long after I sent a snippy “Or not…”) to explain that he was at his parents’ house and doesn’t get any reception there…he only started receiving texts after he left.

I remarked that I felt like he hasn’t been as communicative lately and asked if I should stop texting him. And, I’ll give it to him, he did step up a little. He said he’d been rather busy lately with work, school, his moving endeavors, and the holiday, and so has been a bit distracted, but that he did feel it might be good for us to talk about what we’re both looking for here.

Uh oh. I just knew what was coming: this would be the part when he’d let me know he’s not looking for anything substantial and we could probably hang out and bang from time to time and that’d be it. Par for the course. Oh well – better to get it out of the way at least.

I responded that I assumed it’d be a “hang out and see what happens” sort of scenario and then stood by and waited for the inevitable excuse as to why that doesn’t suit him or how he’s not looking for a relationship and I’m a great girl but blah, blah, blah. Imagine my surprise when he said he was cool with that. At that point, I was hashing out another response about how I think the scenario I’m envisioning was historically called “dating”…somewhat of a midpoint between just having sex and declaring undying love for each other. Yet again, he actually redeemed himself – he said he thinks we can manage that, but he just wants me to bear in mind that things are a little nutty for him right now.

Okay…I can work with that.

So, at this point, I like him. He seems to be in it for more than just sex, so that’s always a positive. I don’t have any lofty expectations at this point other than getting to know him.

Yet, for now, his life is still pretty hectic and it doesn’t look like we are going to be able to see each other for the next couple of weeks at least.

We talked some over the weekend, but then contact became rather scant to nonexistent from Sunday up until yesterday. We didn’t talk at all on Tuesday. We had tentatively discussed hanging out this upcoming weekend previously, so after my self-imposed hiatus from contacting him on Tuesday, I hit him up yesterday morning to ask if we were still on for this weekend or not.

The answer was an unfortunate no. Between work and school he has too much to do and is behind on a lot of things. And apparently the following weekend isn’t looking that great either because of finals.

Right.

Call me cynical, but I’ve been in the game long enough to know that when a man claims he’s too busy to see you, that often means he’s just not that into you. And I’m not in the mood these days for the old tried and true smoke and mirror game or sitting around trying to interpret what people are REALLY trying to say when they say things, so I just said right out that this is striking me as one of those things where maybe he’s gently trying to blow me off, so perhaps I should take a hint.

He said that he actually isn’t. That he is just genuinely swamped right now – that’s just his life at the moment. I told him, fine, that I’d take him at his word and not read too much into things. I followed up that it’d be nice to see him again when things calm down.

He agreed (I’m assuming with the sentiment about seeing each other again), but said that he doesn’t expect me to “stick around” just for him…that it’s not uncommon for women to get fed up with his schedule. I retorted that I am in fact “sticking around” because I’d like to hang out with him and get to know him, but that sometimes it’s difficult to ascertain whether someone’s claims of being busy are authentic or a way of saying “thanks, but no thanks.” He assured me that if that were the case, he’d simply say “thanks, but no thanks.”

I believe him. He seems pretty genuine. He’s been pretty transparent so far, with the instant Facebook add and what not. I figure that’s a good barometer to use if I ever have doubts about his interest in me, because I’m sure he’d delete me there right away and thus that’d be a good indicator of where things are headed.

What I am trying to be very careful of, given that he’s already warned me that he is busy, is seeming too clingy too soon or like I am demanding too much of his attention as he tries to settle things down. He is pretty much at the tail end of moving, so that will be off his plate in the near future, as well as school, as he finishes up his classes for the semester and I assume will not be starting anymore until the spring. So I’m trying to maintain patience and understanding for the moment.

But so far I guess it’s too early to call. I haven’t really been on Bumble again since we started talking, so there’s really no one else on the menu at the moment (besides Scout of course). So if this doesn’t work out, I’ll just be back where I always am: perpetually single. No big deal.