Getting Ornery in My Old Age

It was the last day of March, 2017, and I innocuously responded to a post made in an enormous private Facebook group created to be sort of a digital watering hole for people in my profession. It was just a basic post asking where everyone was from. I responded in the thread’s infancy, so I kept getting the subsequent notifications when other people would comment. Whenever anyone else said they were from my home state, I would go and Like the comment, for solidarity’s sake…or maybe just because I was just bored at work and dicking around.

Not long after liking one of these comments, I got a friend request from its writer. I noticed we had a few mutual friends and that he worked in my state and thus saw no harm in accepting a colleague as a friend – I do that pretty often. Not long after I accepted, he started messaging me about where I’m from and where I work. For all intents and purposes, we shall affectionately refer to this person as Lucifer (definitely no foreshadowing at all going on here).

Lucifer started off very polite and charming and extremely complimentary. He made it known right away that he thought I was beautiful and that he was definitely approaching me in a romantic sense. Only Lucifer was at the moment deployed to the Middle East as part of an Army National Guard unit and wouldn’t be back until late July.

It was for that reason, and the fact that he is several years younger than me, that I started off very guarded with him and took him and all his flattery with a grain of salt. But Lucifer was persistent and before long he grew on me. Whereas initially I was indifferent to him reaching out and about talking to him in general, before I knew it there became a time when I started looking forward to his messages and realizing that they put a smile on my face. I started liking Lucifer. After all, Lucifer had made it very clear that he was looking for a serious dating scenario when he got back from deployment. And it didn’t hurt that he was fairly cute.

When I started developing more of an attachment to Lucifer, I made sure to pore through his Facebook page to look for any evidence of any current romantic involvements; I could not find anything recent. The last pictures I could see that looked like it could’ve been a girlfriend were from a wedding in 2015. Otherwise, there was no other photographic evidence to be found. I’d monitor his posts fervently when he made any to see if any suspicious comments were made by any females. Nada.

Now, as our talking progressed and Lucifer appeared very consistent and genuine with his contact and his intentions, admittedly, our talk turned increasingly steamier over time. Even though I told him right off the bat that I was definitely NOT planning on being any kind of x-rated entertainment for him, and he seemed okay with that, eventually things did progress toward that end. But it was okay, because I liked him and he seemed into me and it was fun. And I also thought it was sweet that when I asked if he needed anything over there, like supply-wise, he only asked for letters. I ended up writing him 3.

Only…at certain points, most notably starting around Memorial Day weekend, his contact started to wane a little bit. Whereas I was used to hearing from him almost daily, it started being a couple to several days before he would say anything to me. And while I gave him the littlest bit of the benefit of the doubt given that he was deployed, it was hard for me to keep on doing so when I could clearly see him active on Facebook, liking posts and things of that nature.

Then, not only was his contact becoming more sporadic, but slowly but surely it became evermore focused on sexual talk when he did bother to say anything to me. There were several times that I called him on this stuff but he would just say he’s sorry but it’s just been busy…he’s just lonely…blah, blah, blah.

I knew deep down that something was amiss, I just really wanted to believe him, I guess. But what really started to grind my gears was the fact that, as his deployment timeline started wearing down and eventually it was just a matter of weeks before he got back to the good ol’ USA, he wasn’t at all forthcoming about any kind of general time frame or anything. Everything I managed to scrounge up regarding his unit’s homecoming was via Facebook. Nothing from him.

When his unit came got back to the United States, they had to go to Texas to be demobilized or whatever. So there’s Lucifer, finally back in the United States with normal phone capabilities. Did I get a phone call? A text? Nope. And I had made sure to give him my number at one point, so he could make “real” contact with me – I figured he’d be delighted to after having been relegated to Facebook Messenger chat the whole time, but nope. Not a peep.

I’m not dumb, although I act like it sometimes. I knew the writing was on the wall when the guy who had spent the last 4 months romancing me over Facebook Messenger did not at all bother to actually make phone contact now that he certainly could. But alas, I held out, certainly not bothering to trust my own well-honed intuition when it comes to these things – because what’s the fun in that?

He was in Texas for like a week before coming back home for good. I got a Facebook message the night he came home to let me know he was back. We vaguely discussed plans to hang out in the future. I told him I understood that he firstly has family and friends and business to attend to now that he’s home, but it would be nice if we could hang out sooner rather than later. He seemed to agree.

And then…nothing, for the most part. He wasn’t even really making conversation with me. I kind of called him out on that at one point and he claimed his house flooded and he’s been busy with that. It was like the first weekend in August at this point; he had been home for just shy of 2 weeks. And over that Friday and Saturday, those 2 consecutive days, he said we could hang out and then he abruptly canceled on me both times. Ugh. Then back to radio silence.

One night during the second weekend in August, I had swung by a buddy’s retirement celebration and then met Carly and her boyfriend out after. I was also waiting for Scout to make an appearance. But there I was innocently browsing Facebook and what do I spy? Lucifer has been tagged in several pictures at a wedding with a lovely date.

Wow…really?

And that’s exactly what I remarked on one of the pictures, being as I was absolutely floored, although really not too surprised. His date was someone who had first ended up on my radar maybe around the beginning of June when I saw that he had tagged her name, along with one of his brothers, on a music artist’s post. All he wrote was her name so there was absolutely no context to it, but upon noticing that she was a very pretty girl who lived around his hometown, I kind of had a feeling about her. But her page was fairly locked down so I wasn’t able to glean much other than that he was all over every picture or status she would put up. I did find my way to her Twitter, but there wasn’t really much to go on from there either. All I knew was that I felt a certain kind of way about the tagging, and my instincts turned out to be correct.

Well, unfortunately, as I never had a phone number for Lucifer, and he had already proven to be quite unreliable with checking his FB messages, at least when it came to me, I had no other recourse but to call him out on one of the pictures: “Really, Lucifer?” He promptly blocked me. Ah, but not before the date noticed (it was her post and he was tagged). She ended up sending me a message later in the night asking if there’s something she should know, and we got down to business.

The gist of it was that she and Lucifer had been acquaintances for several years, but were never really single around the same time so nothing ever took off. Around the time he started creeping on me, he started sliding in her DMs as well. And clearly he saw more value in her as a potential girlfriend since she was obviously the one he came running home to date. They were at that very moment out of town together for the wedding of one of his friends. So I surmised that all my instincts had in fact been correct and that he had just been pretty much using me for entertainment after a certain point.

At this point, it’s not like I had any clear cut ammo against Lucifer, but I was just trying to be honest and let her know what’s what. I showed her screenshots of things he had said while he was still deployed and clearly telling her the same shit (although in her case, I guess he actually meant it). According to her, he had asked her to be his girlfriend maybe a week prior to this, and I had clear screenshots of our ill-fated attempts to hang out, which would’ve been subsequent to their relationship starting. But I guess none of that was truly hardcore evidence of any wrongdoing on his part, depending on how you wanted to swing it. I mean, there was some slight overlap but the fact is is that we had never actually met and while he was being slightly shady, there was really nothing conclusive. I was just being honest about what went on – she could take it as she wanted.

But funnily enough, she said she had had some suspicions about me from some activity on Lucifer’s Facebook. Ha. Which really did make me seriously question his intelligence level since, given that me and the GF were both friends with him on Facebook until that night, what did he really think was going to happen?

She did try to play the strong, empowered, “take no shit” woman role for a bit – saying he’s done with him and all this and that. But the fact was is that they were currently staying in a hotel together (he drove and had been drinking, so they were stuck). So I knew the likelihood of him being able to sweet talk his way back into her good graces by the next morning was pretty high. And lo and behold, the next day I heard from a friend that they had made it “Facebook official.” So you know it was extra serious then.

So, of course, Lucifer was just one additional jackass in a long, storied line of jackasses. Nothing really new. But I think what really bothered me about the situation in particular is just the abject callousness in how he discarded me immediately once his ass was on the line, and then that was just that to him. I’m not particularly angry at the fact that he had been talking to someone else all along and then set his sights on her – that’s just an inherently sucky part about dating…you’re always kind of implicitly starring in the bootleg version of “The Bachelor” – it was just the fact that he never bothered to address anything with me.

I never really got closure, I guess. Like, to date (and this happened last August), I have never heard a word from him. Not a “thanks but no thanks,” not an “I’m sorry” or anything like that. I mean, you don’t have to want to date me, but I kind of feel like it takes a bit of a psychopathic mind to have spent 4 months befriending someone, getting her to trust you, asking her to write to you, and then just kicking her to the curb without explanation or warning without a second thought. Like, am I not a fucking person?

No worries, though. Karma is a bitch sometimes.

Around the time I got my surgery that fall, I found myself with a lot of time on my hands since I had to take it easy for several weeks. And still feeling a certain kind of way about the Lucifer situation. So one day I came up with a fantastic plan to try and screw with him.

I rounded up some pictures of him, typed out a couple of super basic, bare-bones lines about his interests, and I made him a Plenty of Fish account. And the work pretty much did itself from there. I did reach out to a few girls at first with basic greetings, but I really didn’t have the energy or inclination to actually carry on conversations with people as if I am really him. Especially since a couple of people I reached out to indicated that they had interacted with him previously. Not exactly knowing the nature of these interactions, I didn’t want to risk blowing my cover too soon.

And I quickly learned that I could be way more subtle anyway, because Plenty of Fish shows you everyone who looks at your profile. So all I really had to do was to set my location to his town and find as many girls in the vicinity as possible so I could look at their profiles and be in their history. I figured that someone eventually would be a friend of the GF’s and it’d get back to her somehow that “Lucifer” is creeping on Plenty of Fish. And eventually, I did strike gold because I did run across someone who obviously knew of them:

JA

I think I followed up with “just looking for friends” which is exactly what an asshole like him would probably say when he gets caught. Never heard anything back though and didn’t want to press it so as not to be too obvious. I wasn’t really sure what I expected out of this adventure anyway, but I was happy with that if it caused him even the tiniest bit of strife somehow.

While enacting this course of action, I was also inadvertently able to obtain further evidence of just how much of an asshole he is: one girl ended up reaching out to “him” and it was immediately clear that he knew her somehow. It turned out that they went to high school together and that she had liked him back then but he apparently never liked her. But then about a year before, they had talked a bit and decided to meet up at a park. I get the impression that he just wasn’t into her in person because apparently he just kind of upped and left really quickly and then kind of ghosted on her. She was still a little salty about that, but she did seem to really like him still. God knows why.

That was the only thing that made me feel a little bad up about what I was doing. I had 0 scruples about screwing with him in itself because he deserved it wholeheartedly, but this girl was so obviously into him and excited to be talking to him and thinking she actually had a chance.

She kept pressing for phone contact, but I told her “I” had a girlfriend and was kind of just trying to sort all that out first. She started getting really pressed and impatient. She claimed to have been able to dig up his number and then asked if she could text, but I told her that wasn’t a good idea for now. Clearly I didn’t want her actually reaching out to him because he’d obviously know that he wasn’t on Plenty of Fish. BUT I think she ended up doing just that. When she didn’t speak for a few days, I hit her up because I had a feeling, and she told me she knew my account was fake. Ugh…well…ya got me there!

At that point, having been discovered, and not really knowing where else to go with this because I had already seemed to make contact with someone who knows the GF, I deleted it.

Later in the year, I happened to find out through a little birdie that Lucifer and his GF had broken up. I think they made it to maybe early November (my POF adventures took place in mid-to-late October). One of the reasons cited by the now ex-GF was Lucifer creeping around on Plenty of Fish. When she called him on it, he tried to say his identity had been stolen. LOL. There were also questionable meetings with other women mixed in the reasoning as well, so while he did get falsely accused from the POF angle, he still in fact is a certified asshole and got everything he deserved.

He was still trying to win back her affections as of her birthday in December, because he apparently sent her flowers, which she promptly threw away. Awww.

And these days, per her Instagram account, she’s now seemingly enthralled with someone else who is not Lucifer.

And we all lived happily ever after. Except Lucifer, because fuck him.

I’d Rather Be Single

About a month ago, Scout got assigned to work in the same building as me for a 2-month period, and it has been a treat seeing him in passing every so often. Otherwise we rarely ever see each other at work.

We’ve had lunch twice so far in a common area of the building, making sure to maintain a respectable “colleagues-who-are-definitely-not-romantically-involved” distance away from each other while doing so, if there is such a thing. But he did come bearing gifts for our first lunch:

Gunz

Some girls like lingerie, some girls like jewelry, and some girls like boxes of handgun ammunition. I’m actually good with any of them. I guess I’m easy to please.

I am starting to learn one thing, and that is that the ladies love them some Scout. When we had our first lunch, maybe 2 or 3 weeks ago, a lady I know just from in passing who saw us eating pulled me aside later to swoon over how good looking he is, and how several other women have been checking him out since he got here.

The same thing happened last year at a party we were at, where a girl I’m cool with, who obviously had no idea about me and Scout’s involvement, starting whispering to me about how “rape-a-licious” he is, but that he “doesn’t cheat.”

If only they knew. It amuses me. He is pretty hot, so it’s kind of flattering I suppose.

When I ran into him a couple of ours before our lunch last Thursday, it was only because I was wandering around his office area and happened to do a double take on a gentleman sitting at a random computer because he looked good even from behind. It took me a few seconds to realize it was Scout. He and the rest of his team don’t really have a defined office space so just kind of have to work wherever there is free space, so he was just randomly sitting there when I walked by and had no idea it was him.

I told him about that later and he termed it as “cheating on him with him,” which I guess in the grand scale of cheating, is better than cheating on him with someone who is not him.

As far as my attempts to find romance with someone who is actually single, I’ve resorted back to Tinder and it is not going well. The quality of men on Tinder has gone drastically downhill, and on top of that I’m just generally less patient and/or too picky and set in my ways, so I’m swiping left way more than right and have a very short fuse with anyone I match with who rubs me the wrong way.

I had a repeat match with an attorney – “Brian” – I matched with previously on Bumble and did not get along with. Though I did remember our unfruitful interaction on Bumble when I ran across him on Tinder, I swiped right anyway just out of curiosity. He is good looking after all even if he was a bit of a tool. That was a couple of months though, so maybe circumstances will have changed, I figured.

I found he had swiped right on me as well. He opened conversation immediately alluding to our previous Bumble encounter, so he obviously remembered me, but he claimed not to remember exactly what happened.

When I reminded him that he was being a sleaze-ball and it turned me off, he responded with:

Sleaze1

I would hardly call my behavior “coy” because I don’t want to essentially sext within 24 hours of a match. But okay, buddy. And OMG – a whole 30 miles! That also seems to be a thing on Tinder…apparently anything over a 15-minute drive is considered too much effort for many people. That, to me, is a sign of a someone who is more hookup oriented. If you’re just looking for an easy piece of ass, then I suppose that is a little far to travel. People who are looking for something/someone more meaningful recognize that said person may actually not live right next door to them. I search within a 35-mile distance as I figure it would not be outside the realm of possibility that a worthy candidate might necessitate a little more travel time. And that’s okay with me. I do think that’s why cars were invented, after all.

Anyway…this fool started rubbing me the wrong way with his general negativity, and I got bored quickly with this conversation and stopped answering soon after because I settled down in bed to read. When he didn’t get a response after 10 minutes or so, he sent me a snarky remark about this being a “repeat performance.” I explained the next morning that I had been reading. He replied like a normal polite person at first about a book he was reading, then reiterated that our distance is problematic for him. I wished him good luck and let that be that. I believe that was Friday morning.

Saturday evening I’m at dinner with girlfriends and I get this:

Sleaze2

And that’s just the kind of mood I’m in. He never replied and eventually unmatched with me. Oh well. He’s a giant tool and I really don’t care.

Besides, who needs him when there are charmers like “Steve. ” This was after we exchanged only a greeting to each other:

Good Lord. The Tinder cup does not runneth over.

Laser TMI

My life isn’t really that interesting at the moment. But on the plus side, I get a lot of sleep these days due to my lack of adventure.

The most exciting thing I can say I have done lately is to have a nice young lady zap my vagina and surrounding nether regions with a high-powered laser in the first of 6 sessions I am embarking upon on my quest for permanent hair removal.

It’s something I’ve had in the back of mind for quite a while now ever since my falling out with my wax salon last summer. Since then, but for the time Scout treated me to a “sugaring” procedure the next day, I’ve resorted back to shaving due to a basic laziness-based disinterest in putting forth the effort to find another suitable waxing facility. The problem with shaving is that I have coarse hair down there and am thus subject to in-grown hairs that lead to bumps and scarring and do not allow my vagina to live up to its full beauty potential. Even keeping the shaving to the barest minimum I can tolerate if I don’t want to look like a wild jungle bush woman, which is every 2 weeks, doesn’t help matters.

I typically have resilient skin which fades scars well, but essentially re-irritating my skin every 2 weeks with the shaving hinders any progress. Once I started waxing regularly, my skin down there was doing really well, but shaving has sent it all back to hell.

My only initial reluctance in trying laser hair removal centered on fiscal concerns. Carly had gotten some done a while back and I remember her saying it ran her a little over a thousand dollars. So as far as I was concerned, it was something that I COULD spring for if I had extra money to blow or saved up for a little bit, but it wasn’t going to be a high priority expense.

But recently I was doing some browsing on Groupon for travel purposes and saw that there was a category for laser hair removal specials so I started exploring some of the options. Firstly based on price and then secondly on reviews. When pricing out anything with many options, I definitely try to go cheaper than the most expensive, but am also wary of anything that seems too-good-to-be-true cheap because that usually means too cheap to be good.

I found some appetizing deals for 6 sessions, which is a standard minimum course of treatment, but then the Groupon fine print became a separate issue. The Groupons were only good for 90 – 120 days for the most part, which only gives you 3-4 months to complete treatment before the special expires. Laser hair removal can only be performed every 5-6 weeks due to the hair growth cycle. Lasers can only target hair follicles in the actively growing stage, so that’s why multiple sessions are necessary. So 6 sessions for one area would take a minimum of 7 months. If I only have up to 4 months to use a Groupon, that presents a problem.

In any case, the place I narrowed my search down to was sold out of 6-session specials for a “large” area (which would encompass a brazilian) anyway. But I liked their reviews so I decided to call them to explore pricing options without going the Groupon route. I called last Thursday and they invited me in for a consultation that evening.

I liked the setting and the doctor seemed like he knew what he was talking about. I am considered a good candidate because I am fairer skinned with dark hair, so the pigment contrast helps the laser target the hair follicles more accurately. He also explained that laser hair removal is actually not literally “permanent,” as hormonal changes could renew the treated follicles or whatever, but that successful cases may only require a touch-up once or twice a year or so.

Cool. I’ll take that over waxing or shaving regularly any day. I was offered 6 sessions for $697.00 for full brazilian removal, which included a discount for buying the sessions ahead. Let’s see…I got waxed regularly for 18 months every 5 weeks at about $55.00 a pop, so that was almost $800 spent right there for only temporary results. SOLD! I scheduled my first session for that Saturday.

I was nervous about the pain factor. I heard everything from that it feels along the same as waxing to people making it sound worse than natural childbirth. For me, it was about the same as a wax. At least for the first session. The technician said she starts out “conservative” for the first time in case your skin doesn’t take too kindly to it. I suppose the next session might be a bit more intense.

Time-wise, it didn’t take more than 10 minutes. It’s just a zap to each spot and then she moves on to the next. It was so easy that I made a game-time decision to throw in my underarms as well. They still had a Groupon available for 6 sessions for a “medium”/underarm area that was so cheap that I wouldn’t even have been that worried about it expiring before I could get through all 6. But she told me I could just bypass the Groupon and buy the 6 directly at the same rate, so that’s what I did. So she did my underarms as well.

The only thing I’ve noticed over the past few days is a minor itchiness, more so in the underarms than down below. And that is normal. I can’t really tell if it has worked thus far. You have to be shaved before each treatment, so it’s not like you can literally see hair falling out. I won’t be able to tell until my hair down there starts growing back. I shave my underarms daily so that won’t be a good gauge, but I intend to forgo shaving down there altogether (except for bikini line maintenance) except for when my treatments come about so I should be able to see progress when it grows out each time. The treated follicles, from what I understand, should shed hairs and at least be growing in thinner or not at all, so I think what happens is that as you go along, your hair starts growing in patchy (the technician described it specifically as “zebra stripe” pattern), and as more of the follicles get treated as the sessions go along , you will have 80%  or more hair reduction.

Exciting, huh? Maybe not really…