I Hear Ice Cracking


Well I’ll admit it I miss you

I miss [his corny nickname for me] 

Well I felt like we were a Better match than her and I

I miss my [another corny nickname]


And so it was with a text conversation that included the above remarks from him that JP came sauntering back into my life in the early morning hours of October 1, 2014. I happened to be awake at 2:25 a.m. when I got his first text.

I can’t say that it was completely out of the blue. I’d initiated contact with him a couple of times over the past few weeks. I drunk dialed him in the early morning hours of September 13th after spending a night out with Carly and being seemingly stood up by a guy I was supposed to hang out with. I don’t know what possessed me to call JP, but I did. I guess I was upset about the other guy and wanted someone to take it out on and decided that JP was a great candidate. I can’t really remember all of the conversation, but I know I ragged him about his “relationship” and LMDP a bit. I remember he kept telling me he had to get back to sleep because he had to be up early and hung up on me when I insisted on keeping him on the phone. I sent him a Facebook message a week later to apologize. I did feel a bit like an ass.

Oh, but then I drunk dialed him again this past Sunday. He didn’t answer, which was just as well. I made a firm mental note this time to let that particular sleeping dog lie and to never try to contact him again. What was the point? I had long ago dropped the habit of regularly Facebook stalking LMDP but I happened to check recently and saw that she was still steadily posting pictures of them hanging out and going on trips together and all that jazz, so I figured they were still going strong and perhaps I was wrong about my 90-day estimate after all.

Or was I? Because there it was…a text from JP on my phone: “Hi.”

A conversation ensued which lasted until almost 4:30 a.m. during which he said all the aforementioned things…pointedly saying several times that he missed me. He sent me G-rated pictures of himself. One included her and he told me to “ignore her.” He talked about how what happened between us was all just a matter of bad timing and that it was a “tragedy” that he met her first. He confirmed Facebook stalking me. He said he felt like we were a better match.

The conversation fell off when he fell asleep. I wasn’t sure what this all meant or how to proceed, but I tested the waters by sending him a light text later in the day, which he answered. I sent another trying to shoot the breeze. No reply. After a little bit of alcohol pursuant to a birthday celebration for my friend Sarah, I even got blatantly flirtatious. Nothing. Thursday, I apologized for being flirty the night before. Nothing. I later sent him a PG-rated picture of myself. Nothing. Last night I asked him to call me whenever he got a chance, even if not necessarily that night or the next day (today). He didn’t reply and he probably won’t call.

He’s avoiding me now, obviously. Maybe he’s with her and can’t talk freely and/or maybe he feels bad for contacting me in the first place and confessing to missing me. Because really, in the most subtle of ways, it seemed like he was trying to admit that he made the wrong choice. Regardless, he’s still in a relationship with her.  So if he’s smart, he’ll continue to avoid me.

Or I could be wrong and completely over-analyzing and he could be perfectly happy with the boring, vapid, omgeverybodypleasepayattentiontome LMDP.

But if he’s happy, why did he text me? Why reestablish contact with a former romantic interest? If he’s happy, why does he miss me? I’m just some girl he never bothered to meet. If he’s happy, how is it a “tragedy” that they met first? If he’s happy, why does he Facebook stalk me? If he’s happy, why is he lamenting over the “bad timing?”

Hmm…

Onward to 2014

2013 has been a decent year for me, I guess. Not particularly terrible and not really spectacular, but decent. I achieved a fair amount of success in my career and I went on 2 awesome vacations. Those are pretty much the highlights. In between was lots of alcohol, fun times with my friends, some boys, and a little bit of sex here and there. That’s sufficient, I guess.

But as 2013 starts winding down and 2014 looms just over the horizon, I’m going to play catch-up and take stock of what I have going on now, what I’ll be leaving behind in 2013, and what I’ll be looking forward to in 2014:

Blaze: I’ve managed to calm my feelings down. He actually came over really early in the morning (like, around dawn) last Saturday. I gave him what he wanted and he left. Same ol’, same ol’. That’s all it is with him and that’s more than likely all it’ll ever be. He’s told me that in so many words and most importantly, he has SHOWN me that with his actions, so in the end he’s completely faultless in any kind of resentment I may ever feel regarding the situation because he has been the exact same since I met him. He has never made false promises or strung me along or led me to believe that he wants anything more from me than what he asks for. I can appreciate that. I wished him a Merry Christmas but he didn’t respond. Blah. I’m going to try to let it go. REALLY try. That’s all I can do. This is not by any means a fulfilling or satisfying situation for me, for many reasons. If my history with men is any indication, I’ll have completely forgotten about him in a couple of months and be going about my merry business, and suddenly he’ll come back out of nowhere and actually want to date me or something. But I’ll be irrevocably uninterested in him by that point. That’s how it always goes with me. They never want me when I want them…only when I’m long over them and completely not attracted to them anymore do they somehow manage to always start sniffing around again. It’s like a special superpower that men have.

Domino: We rarely ever talk anymore. I wished him a Merry Christmas and he wished me one back, but that’s about it. It’s been extremely intermittent contact since he moved to his new position at work and has claimed to be working a lot and busy all the time and this and that. And that may be true, but I know when I’m being blown off. People make time for who/what they want to make time for. I’ve been around long enough to know that when a guy keeps telling you he’s busy, what he really means is that he’s too busy for YOU. I was browsing Facebook last night and saw some pictures he was tagged in by someone I think is his sister, and one of them featured him and some random girl posing together. I can’t help but to think it’s probably a romantic interest of his. Not something I’m going to loose sleep over though…it is what it is. We had our fun and it just kind of fizzled out.

Goodbyes: I’m losing a good friend. Actually, I lost him about 6 weeks ago. I live in the house of a good guy friend of mine that I’ve known and trusted for over 5 years. It was smooth sailing until he started dating this girl late in the summer and before I knew it, she was basically living here. I wasn’t exactly pleased with that because it wasn’t the situation I had originally moved into, but more than that, I just never got a good vibe from her. We got along okay in the beginning, but I just never really took to her like that. And quite frankly, I just didn’t, and still don’t, feel like she is for him. He happened to inform me one night of some negative comments she had made to him about me, I ended up getting into it with them both, and it was all downhill from there. Basically, she made him “choose” between her and me, and he chose her. So the last 6 weeks have been like living in hell. I’ve felt unwelcome and awkward at home and it has made me really hurt and angry. And as the confrontational person that I am, I have not been shy with either about them about the way I feel. Ultimately, I think it’s sad that a girl that claims to care about him would purposely seek to alienate him from what she knows was a good, longstanding friendship of his, and even sadder that he obviously felt that his little 5-month relationship was more important than this same longstanding friendship. In any case, I’ll be out of here next week and I cannot WAIT. I wish them both the best. Eh…actually they can both go to Hell, really. He already knows that once I’m out, we’re done. I would never want to reestablish a friendship with someone who would treat me like that. Screw it.

New Beginnings: I scored a nice new place with my friend, Sarah. I was hesitant at first because she’s had some financial issues in the past and I wasn’t sure about moving in with yet ANOTHER friend who, if history is any indication, I will only end up falling out with eventually. But I had already kind of preliminarily committed to it once my current living situation started spiraling downhill. I knew I’d be moving in a couple of months and she brought up the idea of us getting a place together. So I figured what the hell. Living alone these days is expensive.  I can afford it, but it’s not friendly to the wallet. Why spend more money living alone if I don’t have to? That leaves more money for life’s necessities, like clothes and alcohol. At the very least I figured I’d try it out for a year. If it doesn’t work out then I’ll just move on and do my own thing. No big deal. So…I’m excited. I’m excited to get the fuck out of the hellhole environment I live in now, and excited to have a new place to decorate and make into a home.

Teeth: I just started Invisalign treatment this week. I have some inherited teeth imperfections that I’ve lived with and tolerated all my life, and also managed to still feel and look pretty attractive in spite of. But recently I got fed up and started craving a change and thus decided to do something about it. So now here I am, with a little over a year of treatment to get through. Right now I’m just trying to get used to having plastic in my mouth upwards of 22 hours a day and not being able to eat or drink as freely anymore. It’s a bit of a lifestyle change and kind of burdensome so far, but I’m sure as I start seeing my teeth improve, and especially once I see the end result, it’ll all be worth it

Fitness: So as long as I’m embarking on a physical improvement quest teeth-wise, I decided to get more serious about improving my body as well. I’ve never been a big girl or anything, but I could definitely stand to loose a few pounds and to tone up. So I’ve been doing so, mainly just by keeping up with the gym and/or cardio a couple of times a week and watching what I eat. I don’t believe in fad dieting…those weird diets where you eat only this or only that or paleo or no-carb or juicing only or anything weird like that. I love food and I don’t want to limit myself with ANY of it. But I just don’t go crazy. Moderation, portion control, and water…my 3 keys to success. Well, along with the gym…4 keys to success. So far, so good. I’ve lost a couple of pant sizes in recent weeks and people have commented here and there on my weight loss, so it’s clearly working. Invisalign is apparently going to be a big help being as you have to take the trays out to eat and brush and floss your teeth before putting them back in. As a result, random snacking is no easy task anymore.

Random Crushes: I’ve somehow managed to develop a bit of a crush on a direct subordinate of mine at work. I always thought he was hot, even before I was his boss. I would see him around from time to time but we had never had occasion to interact until I started working with him. Even after then he had always been pretty quiet around me and we never said much more to each other than was needed. And I thought he was engaged anyway. But recently…like, as recently as this past week…it seems like he has started to subtly flirt with me. It’s hard to tell, but I feel like he’s trying to. He has definitely started coming out of his shell around me. There’s a lot of playful back-and-forth banter. I’ve been careful to keep things pretty vanilla and not to cross any lines, but I can’t say that he doesn’t intrigue me the littlest bit. But I’m his superior. And while there’s no explicit rule against fraternization or anything like that at my job, any type of romance between us clearly wouldn’t be a good idea. Not only do I feel like it would be highly inappropriate, but I also wouldn’t want to open myself up to any allegations of sexual harassment or what have you. So I don’t say anything sexual or romantic or anything inappropriate to him whatsoever. It’s just some innocent teasing back and forth, like I do with a lot of people I work with and/or supervise. But I feel like we’re both TRYING to flirt with each other, but are both just being cautious, given the situation, and restraining ourselves. It’s weird. I’m going to be good, though. So many ways this could backfire.

Dating: It’d be nice to do that sometime. I can’t even remember the last time I went on a real date…as in going out and doing something fun with a guy I’m actually attracted to. The guys that want to take me out are always the ones I’m not romantically interested in (like Woody), and the guys I would want to date are always the ones that just want to keep things sexual (like Blaze). That’s literally the way it always is with me. So for once it’d be nice if the person that wants to take me out, and the person I’m attracted to, could be one and the same. I reinstated my Match.com account last week to see if I would have some luck there. I still had a couple of weeks left on a previous subscription. But as usual it appears to be a bust. Guys look at your profile repeatedly and/or send winks and/or send “likes,” but don’t say anything. And even if I wink back, they don’t say anything. Weird. My subscription expires the first week of January. I’ll try and keep it going until then. But ultimately, it’s just annoying.

In any case, I’m looking forward to 2014 being a good year for me. Come what may, I’m definitely going to be looking better at least.

Standards

It’s official: Blaze is a douchebag. This was never really in doubt, but he officially cemented his status yesterday.

We’d been texting fairly regularly in the past couple of weeks, but I knew his real aim was sexual in nature. You give a guy a couple of good blowjobs and you just can’t get rid of him. He wanted to come over on Thanksgiving, but for one, I was at my friend Sarah’s house. For two, as I explained to him once again, I wasn’t interested in the whole “hit and run” thing. He claimed he’d hang out this time, would even watch the game with me. OMG, WOW! Thanks for offering to grace me with your presence for 3 whole hours, but no thanks.

I mean, it was quite obvious that Blaze was not interested in anything substantial with me.  And that’s fine, I really don’t care, but then don’t think I’m going to just be down to play with you and leave it at that whenever it suits you.

I ended up broaching this subject with him yesterday, and after I called him out he said he “just has standards.” LOL.

I pointed out to him that for one, he’s the one that initiated contact with me at the bar way back when, not vice versa. So if I’m so below his standards, then why? For two, his ex-girlfriend, who probably rightfully ditched his ass, was nothing to write home about. I wasn’t particularly trying to put her down or anything, she’s certainly not a bad looking girl, even if a little plain, but I just wanted to emphasize to him that he’s not exactly dating supermodel caliber girls here, so he needs to get over himself.

He kind of backtracked and then once again used the excuse of “having a lot going on.” He said the same thing when he flipped out on me a couple of weeks back when he didn’t like me calling him a jackass. I’m not even really sure what that means. You have a “lot going on,” so you act like an asshole to somebody who never did anything to you? Get a life.

He stated, “for the record,” that he was sorry for being an asshole. I told him no worries, he can now get someone up to his “standards,” and told him to have a nice life. And then I deleted his number. Hopefully he deleted mine too.

What a complete ass. If I had shakier self-esteem, that might’ve actually made me feel bad about myself or even sent me into a fit of tears, but I honestly really don’t care. I wasn’t that into him for his opinion to really matter. I’m not a perfect 10, but I’ve never had a problem getting male attention. Ever. I have a couple of physical imperfections that I’m in the process of straightening out (more on that later), but I find myself to be generally very attractive, as do a lot of other people.

So I’m completely not worried about Blaze in the least. He was really cute, but really didn’t seem to have any other redeeming qualities besides his looks to make up for the fact that he’s a toolbag. I just think it’s immature to attack someone’s looks, especially since you’re the one that stepped to her in the first place, and then proceeded to engage in sexual activity with her. Grow up.

If I never hear from him again, it’ll be too soon.

In other news, I ended up wishing Domino a happy Thanksgiving. I talked to him a little the next day and he asked about the trip and feigned being mad that he wasn’t invited. Whatever. I told him he missed my birthday, but he didn’t bother wishing me a happy belated one or anything like that. That would just be too polite. I asked him where my present was (it was supposed to be dinner), but he never answered. Oh well.

Besides wishing Gustav a happy birthday on Facebook, I also messaged him for his email address so I could send him some naughty pictures. He answered, of course, and I sent him a couple as a present. That guy was fun.