Tinder Love

So many adventures, so little time…

I’ll start with Zach. He came over the night before last and we hung out on my couch and watched a movie and drank a lot of wine. Well…I drank a lot of wine. He didn’t drink at all. We had been talking earlier in the week and said he wanted to come over to talk about some things that would help me to understand why he is the way he is. Based on our history, I was absolutely positive that before this rendezvous actually came into fruition I’d get a barrage of texts about why we can’t hang out/be friends, but lo and behold, he actually stuck to his guns and showed up. He looked good. He IS a very good looking guy. He’s lost some muscle weight due to recent surgery on his leg and having to take it easy, but he still looks good. He always has. Tall, dark hair, blue eyes…just how I like ’em.

We watched the movie. I drank. He took my hand on his own volition and held it for a long while. He felt me up a little bit and tried to get me to do the same to him in a playful sort of way, but he was otherwise a very good boy. He even voluntarily refilled my wine glass a couple of times.

I don’t really know what came over me – maybe it was the wine, or maybe I just wanted to since I hadn’t done it for him in a long, long time – but I ended up giving him a treat. On my own accord. He didn’t ask and wasn’t trying to get me to do it or anything, I just suddenly felt like it so I did it. He was very impressed and appreciative.

Then came the “There’s something I have to tell you,” which isn’t the most settling thing to hear after you’ve just had your mouth on someone. I was scared it’d have something to do with an STD and was prepared to resort to physical violence, but it wasn’t anything like that…

#1: He’s almost completely sterile. He found this out not too long ago after some pain in his groin resulted in him going to a doctor and eventually getting his sperm tested (the pain turned out not to be related). Apparently he has a low sperm count and they’re not very mobile, so it would be really hard for him to conceive and he and whomever he endeavors to have a child with would most likely have to do in vitro fertilization. That disappoints him because even though he’s nowhere near trying to have children, he always did foresee himself having some someday. I’d feel the same way if I found out for whatever reason that I couldn’t have kids. Nevertheless, it’s not the end of the world. He’s not completely sterile so while it’ll be difficult, it’s not totally outside the realm of possibility.

#2: He suffers from depression and anxiety for which he takes medication. I never knew this about him, but it kind of explains why sometimes he seems to be so emotionally…not exactly unstable, but…well, yeah, unstable I guess. Not in a dangerous sense, but I guess in the sense that, like with the many times he’s gone back and forth about us hanging out or being friends, he seems not to know what he wants and to change his mind quickly. Now it kind of makes sense.

In all the years I’ve known him he’s never really been that candid to me about himself before so it was refreshing to have him be so open. It made me feel bad for all the times we’ve argued and I’ve said mean things to him because I didn’t know anything about his mental struggles. That just goes to show…you never really know what burdens other people are carrying. It puts things in perspective.

He texted me yesterday and thanked me for listening. I told him I’d like to cook him dinner in a friendly way whenever he has time. His birthday is coming up so it’d be kind of like a present. He said that sounds nice and that he’ll let me know.

In another news, I met a guy last week at a work conference. It’s a weeklong event that draws people from all over the country and involves a lot of drinking every night once the work-related stuff is done for the day. Good times are always had. Last Wednesday I was there getting hammered, talking to some guys I know from meeting there last year who I was glad to run into, and up walks Redd. Unfortunately I had been drinking for several hours by this point and was pretty inebriated, so I for the life of me can’t recall exactly how conversation between us initiated. I do remember that he was with a female coworker of his and I assumed they were a couple at first which was a bummer because I thought he was cute, but that turned out not to be the case.

I definitely don’t recall how things progressed to the point where we exchanged numbers, but we did. And then at some point while we were still there he texted that he wanted me. I was intoxicated, bored, and clearly needed somewhere to crash anyway since driving was out of the question, so that didn’t sound like a bad idea. He lived not too far away but had parked his own car at a subway station near his place and caught the train, so he drove me and my car back to his place.

Redd was a nice guy and took really good care of me. I was a drunken mess. His apartment was really nicely decorated…very impressive for a bachelor’s pad. I remember playing with a sword and fooling around with one of his several guitars. We had sex at some point, though I don’t remember much about it. I do remember lying in his bed afterward and him telling me how pretty I am and remarking that he only has one more condom left, should we use it now or save it for the morning? I opted to save it for the morning. We fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night craving cold water. He got up and got me a bottle and a cup of ice and I devoured it like, as he put it, “it was my job.” Alcohol will do that to you.

Despite my severe level of intoxication the night before, I wasn’t really that hungover the next day, thank goodness. I think that middle of the night water binge helped immensely. We woke up and laid around talking for a bit. We had sex again, eventually. He’s big and it was pretty good, but the downside was that his breath was really foul. I’m not sure if it was just bad morning breath or a general halitosis problem, but it was bad enough for me to shy away from kissing him when he tried.

I drove him to his car and he said he’d be back to the conference that night. He didn’t make it back though because he ended up drinking at home and passing out.

Since then he’s been texting me on the daily. He thinks I’m so beautiful and said that he’s in love with my body. He’s from another state originally and has a girlfriend back home there. As I recall, he said he’s in love with her, but she won’t move to be with him or something. I don’t know. That’s fine, as I’m not interested in him to the point where that bothers me or anything. I would’ve hung out with him this week, but he used his days off to go home and see her. Blah. He was texting me last night trying to see if I’m available this weekend, but it’s my time of the month. We’ll see how this goes. He’s cute, but a little leaner that I usually like. The sex isn’t bad though.

Last, but not least, I appear to be very late to the party, but I decided to give Tinder a try. I was introduced to it via guy friends of mine letting me play on their accounts when we’re out and I grew to like the concept of people not being to contact each other unless there’s mutual attraction. Unlike Match.com, which I just wasted another $60.00 on days before signing up for Tinder, I don’t have to worry about people contacting me that are the complete opposite of what I want. And also unlike Match.com, the only way to establish contact with a mutual interest is to bite the bullet and send a message. Match.com annoys me because I find many men on there to be way too passive aggressive for my liking. They’ll look at my profile a million times, favorite me, wink at me, like my photos…they do everything but actually speak. Even the ones I return winks to…they just won’t speak. It’s annoying. Or maybe if they wink, they expect me to message them first? I don’t know. I guess that’s why Match.com never works for me…I’m really not inclined to speak to anyone or make a move on anyone unless they indicate some type of interest first. I kind of just sit there and wait. And wait. And get messages from undesirables. And wait. And get numerous photo likes. And wait. And then get bored after a few days, hide my profile, then let 11 weeks of a 12-week subscription go to waste. Rinse and repeat.

So Tinder appeals to me in that it’s implied in the fact that someone swiped “right” on you that they find you physically attractive. The only bad thing is that heights may or may not be listed. I’m a tall girl so men have to be of a certain height to ride this ride. But a lot of guys do opt to provide their heights, so that helps. I’ve had a little trouble with the app so far crashing and erasing my matches and not letting me upload extra pictures, so I’ve had to delete my account and the app and reinstall it and start all over several times now, but as of now I’m up and running and have dozens of matches.

I’ve had one sub-par experience so far. A guy I matched with Sunday (my first day) started messaging me later that night and we seemed to have a good rapport. He looked pretty cute, didn’t act like a pervert (even though it was around 11 p.m. and he said he was in bed so that’s what I was expecting), was tall enough (6’1″), and wrote like he had a good grasp of the English language. We bantered back and forth a bit that night and then a little bit on Monday. On Tuesday I decided I’d had enough of Tinder and was going to delete my account (the first time), so I gave him my # and he started texting me. We texted throughout the day and were doing well until he told me where he was from (an area known for being wealthy and upper crust) and I joked that he grew up a rich boy. For some unknown reason he got offended over my “gross generalization” and called me stupid and then started giving me the silent treatment. I remained nice and apologized and left it alone for the night. I debated leaving him be for good but decided the next day to try to be nice and give it a second chance. I was only joking and I tend to have a dry sense of humor that could be undecipherable enough in person, let alone via text message where tone is easily misconstrued. So I sucked it up and texted him again. He was really short with me and obviously not interested with speaking with me so I wished him well and told him I hope he finds what he’s looking for. He texted me back eventually thanking me and followed up with “I’m rich.” Whatever that means. Don’t care.

I don’t really have any lofty expectations from this, so at least I won’t end up disappointed. I was surprised to run across Domino on there though. And he had been active recently. Sucks to be his girlfriend.

I texted Rocky last week or so with a silly picture of my tongue sticking out (and a little bit of cleavage) to see what he was up to. He said he was picking up his kids. I said I only wanted to say hi. And that was that. He’s clearly done with me. That’s cool.

Unrequited

So Woody officially declared his undying love for me the other night…blah.

He came to hang out at the house for Cinco de Mayo and we were sitting around sipping on some drinks when he decided to confess to me that he’s in love with me and thinks about me all the time and blah, blah, blah.

So awkward. So unwanted.

I guess I should be flattered, but it’s annoying. I really love Woody as a friend. He’s been a crucial part of my support system (especially concerning stressful work-related events as of late), he’s fun to hang out with, and I do adore him…but in a strictly platonic way. I am in no way, shape, or form sexually or romantically attracted to him and I’ve never lead him to believe that I am.

So his displays of romantic adoration annoy me because I cannot see how can I possibly maintain a friendship of this caliber with a guy who has these deep feelings for me that aren’t reciprocated. I want us to be friends, but in being friends I need to be able to talk about anything and everything (i.e. my love life, or lack thereof) without feeling awkward or bad about it because, knowing he has these feelings for me, I’m probably causing him pain talking about other guys.

I told him about having sex with Rocky at some point (without revealing Rocky’s identity). He played it cool, but knowing what I know now, it makes me feel bad.

The last time I had to lay down the law to him about my lack of interest in him was the result of a party we went to where an ex of mine was present. At this same party, I stated to a third party in front of Woody that Woody was like a brother to me. Later on after we had parted ways for the night, I received a barrage of texts about how he’s only one person’s brother and that person isn’t me, and how he can’t believe I’d get involved with my ex yet not with him, and things of that nature. He apologized eventually, partly blamed the liquor, and I thought we were over nonsense like that.

And now this.

I think where I get irritated is that whenever he alludes to having any type of romantic interest in me, it makes me wonder whether he’s truly hanging out with me as a friend, or whether he’s covertly trying to woo me and hoping that one day I’ll cave and fall into his arms. And I really don’t know what else I can say to convince him that that will NEVER happen.

He would do probably anything for me and he treats me like a queen and he’s a good, genuine guy, but I’m just not romantically attracted to him. He’s not my type. Not bad looking, just not for me.

It’s strange to be on the other side of the unrequited love equation, because usually it’s me pining after someone who has no interest in me whatsoever.

Anyway…Blaze hasn’t been answering my texts and neither has Rocky. Oh well.

Zach is still a douche. He sent me a litany of texts last week about how he’s taking my number out of his phone because all he ever wants to do is hook up and it’s not good for either of us and some other nonsense. I told him to stop with all the dramatics because it’s not that serious. I’m keeping his number in my phone and he’s keeping mine because we’re friends. And that’s that. He acquiesced to that. But then last night he was talking about hooking up and I told him I’m not interested in that because he’s a selfish lover and it just doesn’t turn me on. He actually texted me as I’m writing this asking me about my day…

Got a text from Domino last night which was just a picture of a thumbs up. I replied “Who’s this?” as if I didn’t have his number in my phone just to screw with him. He then acted like he had the wrong number. I called him by name at that point, and then he asked who I am. Really? You texted me, jackass, which is basically what I said in so many words. He still insisted that he had the wrong number. Yeah, okay…

It’s Raining Men

Rocky: I remember being so giddy in the immediate aftermath of Rocky’s previous visit, only to get to work later that day and be delivered highly distressing news. As a result, my focus on him came to a dead halt for a time as I had more pressing matters to contend with. Nevertheless, just like that last entry, I once again write subsequent to a visit from him.

Since that morning we’ve been in intermittent contact, but not in such a salacious manner like before. He hasn’t initiated any kind of conversation along those lines so I’ve just been going with the flow. I did end up sending him some more naughty pictures the week before last just to kind of test him. He responded positively, but that’s about it. Most of our recent conversation has centered around me offering my assistance with a work project, namely by creating a CD of files he needs for it. We spoke last week and he told me he’d meet up with me this week to pick it up.

I texted him yesterday to make arrangements for him to get the CD. I let him take the lead on making the plans because I wanted to see if he’d want to meet at work or be willing to come to my house. He asked when I was working and then asked if I’d be available around 11 today. I told him I wanted to try to get to the gym but otherwise would be available. He asked if the gym was closer to home or to work, which struck me as odd because it implied that he maybe wanted to meet me there in lieu of at my house. I took that to mean that he was reluctant to come to my house because other things might happen. I asked why this sounded like some type of covert CIA operation and then told him he needn’t worry about coming to my house, I’m not going to sexually assault him or anything. I told him I would literally walk the CD out to his car if that makes him feel better. Or I could just deliver it to him at work. He said I must think he’s a wimp. I said I know he’s not, but that I can sense that he’s kind of frightened of me. He said it’s himself that he’s frightened of because he has no self control. I told him of course he does, after all it did take me about a month to wear him down. I was being facetious of course. He never answered so I’m not sure he appreciated my humor.

In any case, he said 11 this morning so I still expected him at that time. I was out kind of late last night but I woke up at 9 nonetheless and texted him to see if he was still coming. He confirmed that he was so I showered and groomed and primped myself so I would look good for him. I wasn’t really sure what to expect…if he would just grab the CD and bounce? If he would want to hook up? While I was hoping it wasn’t the former, I wasn’t exactly intending on pressing him for the latter. I was just sort of hoping he’d want to all on his own.

As promised, I opened the door with CD in hand and handed it to him as soon as he stepped in. He took it and thanked me and I think I was smiling stupidly and/or must’ve said something to the effect of “I told you so” (as in: I told you I would do what I said with no funny business), because he said something like he feels like I’m being smart. He then came in for a hug and we embraced and he looked so good and smelled so good and felt so strong that I couldn’t help but to nuzzle his neck a little. Nuzzling turned into kissing and his hands started traveling lower down my back and he pressed me against the wall. He asked where my roommate was and I told him not to worry, she’s knocked out in her room. I then suggested we go upstairs to my room in case she wakes up and comes downstairs. He told me he shouldn’t, but we kept on kissing and then I told him I could just take care of him really quick. He didn’t protest, so I took his hand and led him up to my room.

I told him he doesn’t have to be afraid of me, I’m not scary. He said it wasn’t that, but that he felt guilty after he left the last time. I reminded him that he has nothing to worry about, his secret is safe with me. We started kissing again and he backed me up against a wall yet again (must be his thing) where we made out some more. It wasn’t long before he took my shirt off and was pushing my bra straps down and fondling and kissing my boobs. He led me over to my bed and sat me down and stood in front of me and pulled himself out. I went to work and he came in less than a minute. I sat him down next to me on my bed and we talked for a little while about various things. It wasn’t long before I felt the urge to put my mouth on him again, so I made him lie back and I took his pants down and went back to work again. He was completely soft when I started and it was taking considerable effort to get him aroused again, yet slowly but surely I was starting to make some progress. And then his phone rang. And it was the girlfriend. He didn’t answer of course, but needless to say, the mood was spoiled. So much for that.

He got dressed and I walked him out and he kissed me goodbye. He told me I’m a bad influence. And I am. And I don’t like that I make him feel guilty. I want to make him feel good, not bad. He’s obviously conflicted over this situation. He’s clearly physically attracted to me on one hand, but on the other hand, he’s in a relationship. He obviously did try to resist me initially, but I purposely wore him down, and that makes me feel kind of bad. I don’t want him leaving me feeling guilty about it all. I don’t want to feel like I’m corrupting him either. That’s no fun. So I think I’m going to leave him be. I don’t want to feel like I’m pressuring him to do things he doesn’t feel good about. If he initiates contact with me, I’m all for it. But I will let the ball be in his court.

Woody: Woody has been great lately. I spent most of the weekend after my terrible job news in a state of pseudo-depression, which Woody was kind enough to assist me with drinking away. He really stepped up to the plate and helped me sort through things. He really is a great guy. If only I were sexually attracted to him…

Unfortunately we had to have yet another discussion about how romantically interested in him I’m totally not. I had to break it down to him that I am in fact NOT at all attracted to him in that way and never will be. He always acts like he understands that and is fine with it, but then I can always sense an undertone to his demeanor like he’s secretly hoping that I’m going to break down one day and run into his arms or something.

In any case, we’ve managed to remain grand friends after that minor bump in the road. He’s been a great source of wisdom, logic, and comfort, and I really am glad we are friends. We’ve had dinner and drinks several times this week as a matter of fact. The other night alone he spent $245.00…yikes.

Curt: The Friday before last I went to a happy hour with some work friends and became acquainted with a guy named Curt. I know Curt from around the job but we’ve never really spoken before. We got to chit-chatting about various topics, including bicycling. I recommended a brand to him and he said he would check it out. Lo and behold, he ended up asking me for my phone number shortly before he left, under the guise of discussing biking. I knew that was a ruse, but I went with it. He’s not my usual type, but he’s not a bad looking guy.

We started texting and he got around to asking me if I had a boyfriend. I playfully pointed out that I caught on to his ruse, to which he confessed. He asked me out to dance or something for that Monday, but I was so tired/hungover from the rest of my antics over that weekend that I wasn’t up to it when the time came.

He maintained contact and had invited me to a happy hour last Friday, but I didn’t feel like coming out so I didn’t reply. He called me that evening and said that all of his friends/co-workers kind of flaked on him, so he wanted to know if I was coming. I said no, but offered him the option of coming to hang out at my place if he wanted. He ended up coming over and we drank and ordered food and watched a movie. I looked and felt like a mess. I didn’t really bother getting dolled up for him or anything since I’m not extremely interested in him. But it was a good time in any case. He’s not bad to hang out with.

Blaze: The same night I met Curt, I ended up hanging out with Blaze after he texted me later that night to see what I was doing. He said he was drinking at home and wanted me to come over. I told him I’d had a little to drink and was tired, so I wasn’t interested in driving all the way there for 20 minutes. He said I could stay. Hmm…ok.

I get there, we hang for a bit, and then we go to his room, which I’ve actually never been in. We do the usual and then go to sleep. Not before him telling me that he has to work in the morning and thus has to get up at the crack of dawn, which at that point was in a couple of hours. That annoyed me because I wouldn’t have bothered coming if I knew that was the case. I was too tired to protest so we went to sleep. He actually spooned me, which was interesting.

But I was not happy when his alarm went off and the first thing he did was wake me up so I could leave. I mean, really…I can’t even stay until you’re done getting ready for work? That kind of annoyed me. And part of me feels like he probably didn’t really have to work at all, but just made that up so he could kick me out early. Whatever.

Brett: The next night I went out and ended up meeting a hot guy named Brett. I was completely wasted so I can’t really recall exactly how we met in the bar, all I know is that we ended up making out there (I think) and then outside near my car, which we walked to during my short-lived determination to drive us both to my house before (thankfully) realizing I was way too drunk. His roommate that he was with ended up fetching us and driving us all back to their house, whereupon arrival Brett and I escaped to his room and spent most of the night having drunken sex. In the morning we did it again and then talked for a while. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. And was pretty cute.

He drove me back to my car and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t think he was going to because he waited until the very last second, but he asked if I wanted his number right as I was opening the door to get out. I took it and gave him mine and we kissed goodbye. Yet the several texts I sent him in the days afterward went unanswered. So I deleted his number. What was the point of that, exactly?

Zach: Zach is a douche. He reinforces this time and time again, but I always seem to forget. He was texting me several nights ago trying to get in my pants, but insisting that we do it a certain way that I wasn’t interested in. And because I rejected that idea, he wasn’t interested in doing it at all. Which is par for the course with him, because he’s the most selfish lover I’ve ever known. And that’s why he’s so mediocre in bed, and why, although he’s pretty good looking, I’m just really not turned on by him.