People have been dying like crazy around here. It’s a really sobering feeling when people you were cool with and interacted with regularly are just suddenly gone due to some nonsense.

Besides that, nothing much is going on.

Let’s see…Friday night I went out with some coworkers and inadvertently got drunk out of my mind and spent most of yesterday throwing up. I don’t know why I do that to myself. I didn’t mean to get so wasted. I shouldn’t have been drinking on an empty stomach for one. For two, I just obviously had too many damn drinks.

After spending most of the day sick as a dog, I wasn’t exactly up to going to yet another bar, but my homie rented part of a bar out to celebrate his birthday and it’s been on my calendar for a while and I didn’t want to blow him off due to my own foolish actions, so I got dolled up and went to hang out. Good times. I had one drink for the night that he begged me to have with him and that was that.

Fucking Mr. Smooth…he’s throwing a party next month which he made a Facebook event for. It’s not specifically a party for him but a general event he’s involved with planning I guess. I RSVP’d that I’d be attending. He sent out a mass message to all the RSVPs about tickets. I wrote back and asked how much they were and he didn’t answer. I guess that means he doesn’t want me to come. He probably didn’t realize I was on the attending list. What an ass. OH but I’ll be there. My friend Renee had already picked up tickets for me and her without me even mentioning it to her. I guess it’s meant to be.

She mentioned the other night that when she went to get the tickets from Mr. Smooth, he met up with her with a chick he introduced as his “girl,” and from the description I assume it was this same Marie chick. So I guess that means he fancies himself to be in an actual relationship with this girl. It really doesn’t bother me much at this point though. I’m really like 95% over him.

Pretty Ricky and I appear to be on normal friendly terms again. We managed to have a conversation at work 2 weeks ago. How nice.

Six months and counting since I’ve gotten some. I’m really hoping to break this dry spell soon, it’s getting a little ridiculous.

Yellowtail came over the Friday before last and chilled with me. He came bearing gifts too – a bottle of Belvedere vodka and a Chik-fil-A nugget meal. I love gifts. Nothing romantic occurred though. I’m just not really attracted to him like that.

I went to a party on Wednesday night and met a cutie there that I hung out with for most of the night. I’d seen him before and I know his brother, but I’d never met him or talked to him before Wednesday. He bought me drinks and then afterward he, his cousin, my girl, and me went to a diner for some food. We had fun. He’d asked me to hang again Friday night but Thursday I didn’t hear from him and Friday I spoke to him briefly to congratulate him on an accomplishment I was privy to and he thanked me but not a word after that. I asked him later when I was heading to go meet my coworkers if we were still going to drink and he didn’t answer. So I guess that’s that. He’s married anyway, so no biggie.

A guy I’m cool with revealed to me the other day that he has a romantic interest in me. I’ve known him for a couple of years. Nice guy and all buy never thought of him like that. I was honest and told him he’s in the “friend zone.”

If someone I actually like could like me back one of these days, that’d be great.

Well…that’s about it. Nothing exciting.

Right of First Refusal

So Zach and I haven’t hung out since whatever night it was that we watched The Crazies on my couch and I fell asleep with my head on his chest within the first 20 minutes.

Since then, I’ve made the effort to hit him up on the regular and express a light interest in hanging out again, but the enthusiasm on his part hadn’t been so pronounced. A few weeks back he said he’d just gotten some bad news and it was really getting to him, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. I fell asleep after that conversation and dreamed that he’d gotten someone pregnant. I asked him the next day if that was the situation and he said no. A week or so later, he admitted that that had in fact been the case. He’d had sex with someone he allegedly hated and she told him she might be knocked up, but I guess it turned out she wasn’t and Zach was thoroughly relieved.

I wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, I was just happy to know that my intuition was in fact correct. I knew I had that dream for a reason. I ain’t no fool. Men are always thinking that they can outsmart a woman’s intuition…

Since that episode, we hadn’t been in much contact. I hit him up yesterday afternoon to express my discontent at the fact that we haven’t hung out lately. After a little bit of conversation, Zach informs me that he has been “kind of” seeing someone, so if we hung out, it could only be as friends. He went on to say that they just became “official” recently, and then had the ever-so-patronizing nerve to ask if there were any new men in my life.

That news certainly caught me off guard, and I will admit that I was quite upset over it to begin with. I mean, I thought he liked ME.

We had some words, during which he told me that he just doesn’t have feelings like that for me. Eventually (keep in mind that this conversation took place off and on over several hours) he started saying that the fact that I wouldn’t have sex with him kind of threw him off; he met this girl and she’s “cool” and plus she lets him go in the back door on the regular just how he likes. Zach loooooooooooooooves anal sex. He was the first and only man I’ve done it with and while I found it tolerable, it certainly wasn’t pleasurable.

Anyway, by the end of this long off-and-on discussion/argument, we ended up fairly okay and even said goodnight to each other, so it’s not like we’re enemies now. I probably won’t have much to say to him from here on out – I’ll let him concentrate on this new wonderful relationship that sprang up suddenly – but I don’t hate him.

I admitted to him (and myself) that I wasn’t sure if I had been upset because I genuinely liked him, or if I simply thought that I should have been given the “right of first refusal.” But apparently he took my reluctance to have sex with him as a refusal, so maybe I was given that option after all. I’m not convinced that this wouldn’t have ended up happening even if I had been fucking him though. So I’m glad I kept my goodies to myself.

The “new” him made me interested in hanging out with him more and MAYBE exploring something down the road if it came to that, but I can’t even say that I really liked him romantically at this point. If I did, I would’ve been contacting him more than every few days and I’d have been much more persistent in trying to hang out with him. All in all, I guess it’s just more of an ego thing. No love lost.

In other news, I attempted to make peace with Mr. Smooth the Wednesday before last via text. I’d mentioned previously in here that I’d initiated minor contact with him on Facebook. Nothing was acknowledged of course.

Why bother, you might ask. Well, to me, all these hard feelings turns it into a “thing” and it doesn’t need to be a “thing.” I don’t want to cross paths with him (which is inevitable) and have to ignore him. Yeah, I saw him at bar a little while back and managed to get through being in his presence successfully, but that required energy that could be better focused elsewhere. In all actuality, ignoring someone requires paying quite a bit of attention to him. I just want to be able to say Hi and keep it moving. I don’t want to have to think to myself that Mr. Smooth is currently standing or sitting over here, or over there, so let me be sure not to turn my head that way. That’s stupid.

So I decided to try and text him on the aforementioned Wednesday. This did not go well. He wouldn’t answer of course, and I expressed my confusion over what his big issue with me is at this point. He told me to stop texting him, threatened me, blah blah blah.

At that point, I was truly confused over all the animosity on his part. Like, really? I understand that we’re not going to be best friends or anything, but is it necessary to be such a dick? I’m the one who got my feelings hurt out of this scenario, so why the FUCK are YOU mad? If I can step up and try to establish a cordial relationship when in reality I could be the bitter woman and try to make your life a living hell in any fashion I get an opportunity to, then why can’t you just be fucking polite back. I sent him a message on Facebook to relay these thoughts, and more. This was the next morning. I won’t bore you with it in its entirety because situations like this tend to make me quite verbose, but it started with “I just want you to know that I find it unsettling that you have so much animosity toward me” and ended with “I know this won’t matter and you’ll probably continue to be a dick to me. Me being honest with you about my feelings has never done any good for me. But this is just how I felt after sleeping on it.”

And what do you know? The bastard actually answered. And it wasn’t a short response, he actually wrote a paragraph. The main idea of it was that while he doesn’t hate me, there are “ways” about me that he doesn’t like and some “other side” of me that he’d rather not deal with. He’s talked about these “ways” of mine from time to time, but he never explains what he means. I regaled him with a lengthy response to explain my thoughts on the matter, but as I suspected, he didn’t answer. I knew lightning wouldn’t strike twice. And really, I guess I didn’t really need him to reply. I suppose I got all the explanation/closure I needed at this point with what he wrote in the first place.

I’m well aware of what some of my bad characteristics are. I definitely know that I’m impatient and maybe the slightest bit self-centered/spoiled so that when I don’t get my way, I might act out a bit. In fact, that’s exactly what Zach told me last night – “You’re acting like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way.” That actually made me think of Mr. Smooth because I’m sure that that’s probably one of the “ways” that he refers to. Coincidentally, Zach and Mr. Smooth have the same name. That inspired me to write a short message to Mr. Smooth after the Zach drama last night to remark on these two tidbits. I’m sure he won’t answer. I don’t care.

Here I Am

So what’s new with me, you ask? Well, nothing much. My dry spell is past the 5 month mark now. Blah.

I’d been talking to Zach here and there, but I noticed that it was me initiating most of the contact lately, so I toned it down some. He’d said something last week about some bad news that got him down, but he refused to tell me what was wrong (men!). Since then I hadn’t talked to him much. On Thursday I sent him a picture of “Pinky”, a porn star he likes. A white boy into big asses – imagine that! He thanked me but didn’t say anything else, even when I asked him how he was. So at that point I was like Fuck it.

Much to my surprise, on Friday night, he sent a text to apologize for being out of touch, and explained that he’s been going through some things lately. Again, this is sooooooooooooo different from the Zach I knew a year ago. That Zach never would’ve said anything like that at all, he just would’ve left me wondering. I’m on the fence when it comes to deciding if he really has changed, or is just trying to play nice to get into my pants again…

Never heard anything from Bizzy besides the once or twice we briefly chatted after our outing in August. Oh well.

I’ve started speaking to Pretty Ricky again in passing. Nothing major – “Hello, sir.” His responses are curt and contain maybe even the slightest hint of annoyance, but I don’t care. I’m prone to holding grudges, but eventually I just get sick of them because it just ends up wasting energy. The bottom line is, ignoring someone still requires paying attention to them – maybe even paying more attention than you would be if things were just normal. Fuck it…I’m just so over it.

I even “poked” Mr. Smooth on Facebook two weeks ago. I don’t even know why, it was kind of spur of the moment. Again, I just want him to know that I’m over it. He didn’t respond, of course. I went out after work on Thursday night and thus I was tipsy on early Friday morning when I got in the house. I sent him a message: “Poke me.” He’s probably like, WTF. Again, don’t care. At this point I’m just amusing myself.

Yellowtail is still actively trying to get it. I could see it happening in a moment of extreme horniness, but otherwise I’m cool on that.

Dimples still tries off and on. He’s the most tempting prospect at the moment, but the fact that he keeps asking me how I’d react if he was talking to other women while we were involved lets me know where his head is at. That would possibly just be a hit-and-quit scenario and that’s not suiting my fancy at the moment. Plus it’s kind of a turn off because it’s so arrogant to assume that I’m just going to start acting out because I might see him talking to another chick or hear about him sleeping with another chick or whatever. He’s scared of workplace drama. I think he’s basing some of his reticence off of rumors of occurrences between me and Pretty Ricky. As with most rumors though, some of it is true, and some isn’t. Regardless, nothing ever occurred at work because I knew it wasn’t appropriate. I prided myself on being able to keep my emotions in check at work as a matter of fact.

Work is going okay. Only “okay” because I’m bored in the position I’m in right now. I’m ready to branch out and try something new now. I need a challenge. Right now I’m just going through the motions, waiting for opportunities to get elsewhere…

I read a good book last week: The Time Traveler’s Wife. The movie was on HBO one night and I watched it and thought it was interesting. If I like a movie that’s based on a book, then I try to read the book because there’s always so much left out of or changed in the movie. I enjoyed the book a lot. It’s about a man who has a genetic disorder that causes him to involuntarily time travel, and his wife of course. Slightly science-fictiony which is usually not my thing, but that whole aspect is addressed in a realistic sense. It’s a love story, overall.

Well, that’s all for now. Until next time…