Eh…

My life is epitome of mundane at the moment, so I really have nothing of interest to write about. I’m kind of at my wit’s end with a stressful situation at work that just can’t seem to resolve itself and go away, so that’s kind of putting in a dent in life’s general enjoy-ability factor for the moment.

Weeks ago I was inebriated and sent a drunken text to Chad about how I hope his girlfriend left his cheating ass. I wish I hadn’t, not because I care about how much of a bitch I was, but just for the fact that I initiated contact so it makes me look pressed when I honestly don’t think about him often or care about him. I haven’t seen him since our fateful meet-up in August.

I also sent a drunken text to Wiley a couple of weeks ago about the upcoming election. Ugh. I cringe for the same reasons surrounding the circumstances of my text to Chad.

And subsequently, to prevent these types of mishaps in the future, I deleted both of their numbers from my phone, along with those of several other jackasses that I don’t expect to talk to or hear from again in this lifetime (Zach, Blaze, JP, etc).

The week before last, I strong-armed Scout into telling me he loved me pursuant to a conversation we had regarding whether or not it bothered him if I had sex with other people. He said he “guessed” it was “my business” but implored me to be safe considering our own activities.

Ever the stoic Marine. Despite his veneer of insouciance, I could tell that it was probably something that really did trouble him, yet I think it’s more a matter of him feeling like he doesn’t have the “right” to demand my sexual exclusivity given that he is married and thus cannot offer me the benefits of a full relationship. I’m not sure I officially committed myself to him, but I did say that I have no interest in other people and that I consider he and I a real “thing” despite his limitations. And from there I said I wanted for him to explicitly tell me he loves me. And he did…complete with emojis, which he never uses. So I know it’s real.

In other news, I made the leap from Tinder to Bumble. Tinder has just been rather underwhelming lately, or maybe I’m just sick of it now that I’ve been on it for over 2 years now. (I’m trying not to ponder how pathetic that kind of is given that I still remain just as single as I was when I started on the Tinder train in 2014.)

Besides the luster finally wearing off, for whatever reason notifications of new messages do not push through to my phone though I have the option checked off and thus I have to manually check by opening the app to see if anyone has contacted me. I only remember or am bored enough for it to come to mind sporadically, and thus quite a few conversations have dissolved into the ether due to my inadvertent neglect and general indifference.

My friend Tyra had been raving about Bumble a little while ago, proclaiming that while it wasn’t as big of a pool as a Tinder, the guys on Bumble tended to be better looking.

So the other night, with that in mind, I finally decided to take the plunge. So far, so good, I guess. The guys do seem to generally be of higher quality, but they seem to be a lot more picky as well. Everyone knows that on these match apps, there are people you wouldn’t mind matching with, and then there are people you REALLY want to match with. I seem to not be getting many of the latter, which is a bummer. Maybe I’m out of my league here. I’m getting a good bit of matches overall though…about the same as I would on Tinder, I guess. So I think I’m going to stick with it for a little while and see what happens. I hid my profile on Tinder last night because I don’t really like being on multiple sites/apps at once. I think that comes off as desperation or trying too hard or something otherwise weird.

The pressure to initiate contact doesn’t really bother me because I’m not really putting in effort to say anything particularly clever or groundbreaking to most people for the first message. “Hi” and “Hello” have sufficed so far. Everyone knows that the level of attraction is the ultimate deciding factor as to how someone perceives an initial message, so I don’t feel the need to bother.

The most significant interaction I’ve had so far is with a decently attractive attorney that I matched with around Tuesday night. It started off promising – we began immediately with substantive conversation and he communicated with well-written, complete sentences. Yet by the next morning (with no provocation on my part), he commenced with inserting strong sexual references into the conversation – starting with his random, offhand hypothesis that we’d be good in bed together – which increasingly turned me off as time went on.

A guy delving into sexual territory too soon definitely triggers a certain cringe factor, but nevertheless I ignored it at first because I otherwise did think he was cute and intelligent and so I was willing to overlook one faux pas. Yet it only got worse from there and it became clear, despite our several discussions about it and his claims to the contrary, that he was more than likely just looking for sex.

Between bouts of decent conversation, he just kept on throwing in allusions to sex that started getting irritating. He made a point of telling me how women often are surprised at how sexually confident he is, whatever that means. And all of his “compliments” were tinged with a sexual overtone that I didn’t find necessarily flattering. It wasn’t just that he thinks it’d be fun to spend a day with me, but a day “in bed.” He couldn’t just say I looked hot in the evening dress featured in one of my pictures, but that he liked how I was somewhat “spilling out” on top.

Yet when I’d call him on it for putting the cart a little bit before the horse, he replied that he doesn’t necessarily feel the need to “bifurcate” things…that I should appreciate being “lusted after” as much as I appreciate someone being attracted to my mind. Being lusted after is great and all, but with someone I don’t know and am still trying to assess to figure out how attracted I am to him, that doesn’t exactly send me into a erotic frenzy. Quite frankly, at the risk of sounding vain, I’m used to guys wanting to get into my pants, like most women are. I don’t really find it that compelling unless I’m specifically in the market for a hookup.

Even still, we managed to get as far as even exploring tentative plans for a date; I told him I’d be free the following weekend and he said he’d see because of how crazy things would get for him job-wise around the election.

The next morning, in true fashion, I did not get a good morning or something otherwise civil, but instead a “Ready for the shower?” in reference to both of us having plans to go to the gym early that morning.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when, referring to the knee-high socks I had on as part of a Halloween costume in one picture, he exclaimed that he wanted to see about me wearing nothing but those over at his place. *Sigh*

I’d had enough at that point. And I’m not even particularly prudish so it’s not so much that his sexual comments offended me rather than I just think they were way too premature for how much our chemistry had developed thus far. As well as the fact that I had warned him several times that it was turning me off and he failed to listen. Flirtation is fine and even essential to any type of budding romance, but he was just way too over the top too soon. As “sexually confident” as he thinks he is, he was kind of coming off as a hormonal 15-year-old boy.

We had yet another conversation about our quite obviously different mindsets, yet when he asked where we go from there I was still willing to give him another chance. So I asked if he wanted to text. He replied with some lame remark about how to him texting is more “intimate” and he’d be expecting more. LOL. It was crystal clear at that point that he was just looking for a hook up and thus I just gave him a simple “Ok” and left it at that. And when I later found he had unmatched with me, I gave 0 fucks.

Life is grand!

Stuff

Well I guess I’ll have to give the aforementioned work guy a name now since he’s been very persistent to the point where it has risen to the occasion of having potential for either delight or disaster. Either/or. I’m not picky. We shall call him…Chad.

SO! Chad did end up swinging by Tuesday afternoon for a quick office visit. Looking pretty handsome, at that. He even made the secretary giggly enough to exclaim “He’s cute!” as we sidled out of my office suite to walk to another location away from prying eyes. And I’ve NEVER heard her say that about anyone (she’s a middle-aged Holy Roller type), least of all right in front of said person. So that’s noteable. He didn’t have long so all we did is shoot the breeze for a little before he had to get on with his business. Not before remarking that we should have a drink. He texted me a couple hours later that he’d just seen a girl that looked just like me, and that she was “beautiful.”

Conversation continued on Wednesday during which I was introduced to a picture of his cutie of a dog. The secretary brought him up out of the blue to rave about how cute he is once again, which I relayed to him. He joked that he would come to see her any time. That was right before 2 in the afternoon. That evening I went home and ended up crashing early – some time in the 7 o’clock hour. I woke up around 9:30 p.m. and was taking a couple of minutes to get my bearings when my phone rang. It was Chad. He wanted to see what I was up to. We talked for maybe 10 minutes but I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation because I was half asleep still.

Thursday, we didn’t talk until the evening when I was out for happy hour with some coworkers. Chad was working but had taken a break to hit a sushi spot with some other colleagues for dinner. When I got around to telling him where I was, lo and behold it turned out he was but a couple of doors down. He ended up stopping in to say hey before he went back to work. He knew one of the people I was with so they exchanged some chit chat before we both moved aside to talk away from everyone else.

The most productive result of that conversation was him asking me out to breakfast the next morning, to which I agreed. He also mentioned offhandedly how it had occurred to him the night before to call me when I hadn’t answered his text message. After we had hung up then I saw that he had texted me at 8:21. He called me at 9:30. That’s barely an hour, so something about that kind of gives me pause for some reason. Is he too pressed too soon? Is he overbearing? Is he territorial? Is he over-protective? Is it me who is strange for thinking something about a simple phone call is off? I guess I’m just so used to texts these days that unannounced phone calls automatically seem “heavy” or something, so it’s probably just me.  No big deal ultimately. He calls out of the blue without abandon, even if his texts go unanswered. Which, to be honest, would weird me out more if I didn’t kind of like him, but I find it kind of charming since I do have a mild interest. Funny how that works. When he left the bar to get back to work he told me to let him know when I got home, which I did. I always find that sort of thing kind of sweet.

Yesterday morning he called me a little before 9:30. After him exclaiming how beautiful I looked the night before, we solidified plans to meet up and go on a walk together to a Panera Bread near our building. He bought us both breakfast and we brought it back to a half-hidden cubbyhole in the building to eat in private. We shared some family histories (his is a little odd, but no big deal – we’re all odd in our own ways) and tales of old mutual colleagues.

It was there that I finally got the elephant in the room out of the way –  the girlfriend he mentioned the evening we met:

– Didn’t you say you had a girlfriend?

– Yeaaaaaah, I did say that, I did…

– So, you did say that, and you DID have a girlfriend, or you still DO have a girlfriend?

– I DO have a girlfriend, but it’s not like I’ve tried to do anything to you.

He says he just enjoys my company and hanging out as friends. Riiiight. But no judgement – yet. He’s right, he has not yet tried to do anything physical like kiss me but the flirtation and compliments and eagerness is obviously romantically centered. I’m not an idiot. I’m not saying he wants to put a ring on it – his interest could lie solely in just getting in my pants, but, assuming his relationship is supposed to be monogamous, he is really pushing the boundaries of appropriateness with another woman.

Before we parted ways he gave me a tight hug and said he would like for us to actually hang out OUTSIDE of work one of these days. We texted some over the course of the rest of the day, and he called me unexpectedly again last night. Wended up talking for over an hour.

As to if or when we will actually hang out outside of work, it’s not looking too good for the near future. He’s busy this weekend and then I’m busy next weekend, so our schedules aren’t corresponding for right now. And then there’s always the question of whether I SHOULD hang out with him, with his girlfriend and all…

Anyway…Wiley and I still seem to be trucking along somehow. I ended up sending another selfie to him on Tuesday night, to which he responded with “Beauty.” I replied with a kissy emoticon because I didn’t really know what or have much else to say. At a little after 1 a.m. the next morning he sent a text saying he was in The Hamptons with his family. Random. I told him I hope he’s having a blast. I sent another text Thursday evening to which he has not responded.

I forgot to mention that on the way back from my Atlanta travels, JP came to mind. Airplane travel always tends to remind me of him since he’s a pilot. I sent a text but he has not responded. I haven’t spoken to him since right after our January rendezvous, so I guess that says it all right there. I don’t picture hearing from him ever again.

I woke up this morning to yet another blast from the past text message – Blaze. It came through close to 3 a.m., so I figured it was a drunken text. He said as much when I responded back this morning, but asked how I was and then said he was partying in New York if I happened to be there. Um, no…I’m home. “Well start driving.” Uh…no thanks. He’s engaged, I believe. Good luck to his fiancé.

Unremarkable

So, let’s talk about my (nonexistant) love life as of late:

There was the infamous Navy pilot, Reed, who, while I still fantasize about him being shot down by ISIS on an intermittent basis, I am over. I haven’t addressed that debacle here as of yet, but suffice it to say that while the lead-up was obviously glorious and full of hopes and dreams and glitter and baskets of cute puppies and all that, and the visit started out well, it progressed badly and ended pretty horrifically, and then some simmering drama in the weeks after I was back home was the icing on the cake. The short of it is that he ended up having some scraggly Marine Corps ex-girlfriend that he was not over.

Then there was JP, airline pilot extraordinaire, who I finally met in January and spent a night with after a year and a half of will they or won’t they nonsense. The last thing he said to me that morning after he kissed me goodbye was he’s not sure where we go from here. Well apparently the answer is nowhere, since I’ve not heard an iota from him since. Fitting.

There was Chuckles, who constitutes my SOLE date so far in 2016. On Valentine’s Day of all days. Chuckles is a guy from Tinder that I’d actually been matching/messaging/texting with off and on since I’ve been on that God-forsaken app – so for like 18 months now. The very first time we matched, we actually managed to progress into texting pretty quickly, but we ended up having a falling out and so we unmatched and that was that. But every so often I’d reset my account and when he’d pop up again I’d swipe right again just for kicks and it turns out he would too. And sometimes we’d talk through the app and and/or he’d shoot me a text, but it never seemed get to the point to where we’d actually try to meet for one reason or another.

I think maybe some fresh Tinder pictures of mine inspired him to reach out in early February, and this time around for whatever reason he was actually interested in meeting me. Since we were both free on Valentine’s Day, we met for dinner. Not for an official “Valentine’s Day” extravaganza with all the hoopla, but just as two ordinary people meeting for the first time on a day that happens to be Valentine’s Day. I mean, I was kind of hoping he’d be sweet and present me with flowers or something given the occasion and the length of time we’ve been talking before actually meeting, but this is not a romantic comedy and no such thoughtfulness occurred.

He’s cute and rather nice in person (as compared to his texting persona, where he can be kind of a prick sometimes) and told me several times throughout the night (maybe even too MANY times) how beautiful and sexy and cool I am and how he would’ve met me way before now if he had known and would love to see me again. I didn’t feel butterflies, but I figured since he was all I had on my plate at the moment, I might just give it a whirl. But we never managed to meet back up after that and I was too indifferent about him to really care. He would ask when I’m free, but then there’d be no assertive efforts on his part to really solidify plans, and it turned me off. If I tell a man when I’m free, I like him to take the lead and let me know what we’re doing and where we are going. I’m old-fashioned in that sense. Chuckles would ask when I was available, but then there’d be no follow through, no actually ASKING me out. Even after I told him as much, he acknowledged it but there was still no forthcoming effort. I guess he was indifferent about me as well.

And then there was Elliot, who is a colleague of mine. I never really see him at work, but our circles mix from time to time so I see him out socially every once in a while. He’s attractive, but before recently, I had never really thought of him like “that.” Plus, as we’re Facebook friends, I’m privy to the fact that he tends to have a girlfriend of some sort more often than not. Not necessarily the same girlfriend, but a girlfriend nonetheless. So he had just never been someone who was on my radar. I’d see him out or wherever and we’d speak and maybe make small talk, but that was the extent of that.

Until this past St. Patrick’s Day, for which I had taken the day off to do some diligent day drinking. Elliot and I happened to cross paths. He had been out a little longer than me so he was moderately inebriated by the time we met up. We ended up talking and suddenly he started being very flirtatious and inviting and telling me all the naughty things he wants to do to me. He even gave me a few drunken pecks in front of everyone. This was all completely out of left field because he’s never given me any indication that he was attracted to me. He invited me back to his place with him, but I declined because I needed to think about this a bit and plus I was there to hang out with my friends, not to hook up in the middle of the day, so I suggested we exchange numbers instead and talk more about this later. He left soon after and started sending me texts about how sexy I am and how he knows I’m trouble, but he likes it.

I wasn’t really sure I’d hear from him again because I assumed it was just the alcohol talking, but he did end up texting me the next day and we got to talking. The thing about Elliot is that, he is a self-described “Christian Grey” type, so to speak (minus the bank account). He’s hardcore into the Dominant/submissive BDSM thing. I definitely had already picked up on that vibe from the day before because one of the things he mentioned he wanted to do to me was to choke me. He’s into rough sex – spanking, choking, various other forms of moderate sadism, giving orders…total and absolute submission from a woman.

It’s not something I’ve ever delved into. I’m not into the whole 50 Shades of Grey franchise in the least bit, but I thought what Elliot was describing sounded interesting nonetheless. Particularly because he’s intelligent and refined and pretty much just such a super typical white bread white boy on the outside, it’s just not something I ever would’ve guessed he was into. I mean, I guess you never really know what anyone is into. What gets a person off can sometimes be the embodiment of some of the deepest, darkest cracks in his/her soul. It intrigued me. As he explained more about what he likes and what our sexual activities would entail, it actually sounded fun, honestly. For several days after that we talked off and on and he was very forthcoming with compliments and generally seemed very excited that I was willing to try the submission thing out.

That didn’t last long. I have a great nose for sensing when a guy is backing off. When your texts start suddenly not being answered in reasonable time, or ever. And not because he’s genuinely busy, but because his interest is waning. After several days of this with Elliot and then confronting him about it finally, it came out that he had just started seeing someone recently and it looks like it’s going to turn into a relationship and he finds me very attractive physically and mentally but blah, blah, blah.

Like, really? Freaking annoying. You’re the one that hit on me, toolbag, and then you end up rejecting me? Who does that?! Not only that, but I had a certain feeling and so I checked Facebook. He didn’t unfriend me or block me, but he restricted my access to his page. I can’t see his timeline at all. But we’re still friends. That’s a lesser-known, passive-aggressive tactic for when people don’t want to risk confrontation or burn bridges. I know because I’ve done it before. You can’t con a con man. I’m not sure what his purpose was in that – I called him out on it but he never addressed it. If I had to guess, I’d say that he doesn’t want me seeing being privy to likely forthcoming pictures and posts with this soon-to-be-girlfriend. Again, WHY…I don’t know. He told me he’s likely about to be dating someone, does he think I’m going to fly into a jealous rage over a guy I haven’t even had sex with? In any case, I thanked him for his explanation and decided to go on my way. I generally am reluctant to fool around with men from work for this very reason – because if something goes south I don’t want to have to deal with any awkward moments at my place of business. So while Elliot’s Facebook trick annoyed me and was generally uncalled for, I do realize that he made an effort at least to be honest and to preserve mutual cordiality, and I appreciate that because this was nothing that was worth becoming a “thing” where we can’t speak to each other. He even randomly “Liked” a Facebook comment I left on a mutual friend’s status yesterday. Men are strange creatures.

In any case, these last 4 examples are of sufficient sample size to be a satisfactory representation of pretty much the way my love life has always been. The guys I want never want me; the guys that want me I never want. Rinse and repeat. Literally since high school. Throughout college. In my 20s and now in my 30s – a neverending saga of rejection and disappointment. And hence the question recently occurred to me: is it possible that there really ISN’T “someone for everyone?” That some people are just destined to be alone and lonely forever? Because if the answer is affirmative, I’ve decided that I’m undoubtedly one of those people.

For one, it seems to me that the early 30s has to be the absolute worst period in life to be single. The dating pool is significantly narrower because it seems like all the guys around my age are already married, engaged, or otherwise seriously committed to their college sweethearts or people they attached themselves at the hip to somewhere throughout their 20-something adventures. So the early 30s is crap for dating. The pool will open back up as I approach my 40s because in the late 30s is when these same men will likely be on the verge of divorce, but I really don’t want to wait until then to find my Prince Charming, as I want to enjoy what’s still left of my youth with someone NOW when I’m still fresh-faced and beautiful and it feels like the world is my oyster. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to go and I can of course do these things with my friends, or alone, but it’s not the same.

Maybe that’s all my imagination, or maybe I’m just absurdly selective (and I am), but whatever the case may be, it is just way too far and in between that I find an eligible bachelor in my path at this point. There’s that saying about men being like buses because if you miss one, another is right behind it, or whatever, but at this point I’m not finding that to be accurate. It seems like another “bus” doesn’t come for weeks or months and to top it off it’s cold and windy out and starting to rain and I’m late for work and so I REALLY need that bus. But to no avail.

Secondly, I’m starting to think that maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just not really as remarkable of a person as I like to think I am. Perhaps I’m just not special or unique enough to the point where a guy would be want to choose ME. I think I’m beautiful. I’m educated. I’m gainfully employed. I’m fun. I’m interesting. I’m sexually adventurous (OBVIOUSLY). Like, I literally feel like I deserve to be the complete vortex of any man’s life, and that any guy who DOESN’T think I’m completely intoxicating probably has, like, genetic deficiencies and so I don’t want him anyway. But in the end, with my love life always being so dry and despairing, I’m ultimately just starting to feel like I must NOT be a catch because it doesn’t seem like any guy ever wants to catch me. I’m good for certain things, but that’s it…

In essence, dating perfectly represents the concept of Opportunity Cost in a romantic sense. In economic theory (my college forte), Opportunity Cost represents what you lose by settling on one choice as opposed to the next best thing (assuming mutually exclusive options). When you’ve made it known you’re taken, you’re automatically closing yourself off to other dating opportunities, so it’s important that the person you select be worth it for all the other romantic options that you lose out on. For that reason, with the amount of sites and apps out there giving people multitudes upon multitudes of romantic options, it just seems like dating is getting ever so much more increasingly competitive. It’s hard to find people who are actually interested in settling down. I even wonder if I would even be interested in settling down, so I can’t necessarily play the victim in that regard.

But I’m inclined to believe that people are always going to automatically be drawn to settling down with anyone they deem it worthy to settle down with. Meaning: when someone lets you know up front that they aren’t “looking for anything” or aren’t “ready to settle down,” although it’s phrased as a general statement, what they actually are implicitly and mentally adding on to the end of any of that kind of phrasing are the words “WITH YOU.”

In terms of the competitive aspect though, it just seems that I’m always in the “Discard” pile. There’s always “someone else” that I seem to be in competition with, and I’m never the winner. Reed had his stupid ex from May that I was unknowingly up against and I lost. JP had LMDP who I was up against from Day 1, and I lost. Elliot has his latest main squeeze who I was up against, and I lost. I’m never the winner in love, always the loser. ALWAYS on the losing end of any dating equation.  I’ve never been in a serious relationship. I’ve accomplished some pretty substantial things in life, I guess, but I feel like the quest for love and companionship is my one Achilles Heel. NOTHING ever works out

I always seem to be the expendable one. And ultimately, it just makes me feel chronically defective in some way.