All Made Up

The last week or so has been pretty decent. Nothing major going on though. I’ve talked to Coby a bit since his big production over telling me he’s back with his latest wife, but there’s really no interest there.

Thursday night after work, a few of my coworkers invited me to a nearby bar with them and I went along. Marlboro was there. I got moderately wasted, unintentionally. Marlboro and I and a cute waitress ended up having a brief three-way make out session. Just for kicks.

I ended up calling Hippie. I woke him up as it was like 4 a.m.,  but he actually answered and talked to me. I barely remember talking to him but the gist of that conversation and subsequent texting the next day when I sober is this: He wasn’t really mad about my refusal to have sex with him, but rather the fact that I made him look bad by revealing information to other people that he’d told me in confidence (the stupid shit that Pretty Ricky and Zorro told Professor about me). I reminded him that when we were on his friend’s boat and he first told me, I told him that I was going to text Professor right then and there and he didn’t seem to have a problem with it. He claims that he BEGGED me not to. I don’t remember that being the case.

So basically, he looks like a rat to his friends/bosses/colleagues now. I never said his name to anyone, but I guess it wasn’t hard for them to figure out how I found out. I asked what the big deal in that was, and he said it’s a very big deal that his bosses don’t trust him. The implication is that there are career-affecting consequences for him that I never intended.

So that made me feel bad. Maybe I should’ve thought it out more before I ranted to Professor and then bitched out Pretty Ricky. I just don’t like people talking trash about me. He said he told me what he told me so I’d know what people are saying about me, but what’s the point in me knowing if I don’t confront anyone about it?

But I felt even more horrible when Hippie told me on Saturday night that Stallion ditched him to go eat with Zorro at work, presumably because Zorro doesn’t wanna eat with Hippie now. So he said he was looking like an ass all to his lonesome.

Stallion is all up my ass lately, it seems. He’s a decent guy, I’d even say that we’re friends, but I don’t know how much to trust him given his obvious closeness with Zorro and I suspect Pretty Ricky as well, even though he never quite admits it. I’m careful about what I tell him.

I worked some overtime last night. Zach was working in the area and he came and visited with me for a while. It was nice talking to him. He’d asked me about hanging out a few days ago and then last night and I asked if he was just trying to worm his way back into my pants. He claims that’s not his agenda because he has accepted the fact that he’s not getting any. He went on to say that he could always get some from other people if he wanted, so that’s definitely not a concern of his.

He’s supposed to come over tonight after he gets off of work. This’ll be after 11 p.m. Zach is actually a decent guy, as long as I’m not trying to date him I guess.

On a random note, I’m getting fat again. I think it’s from drinking too much sweet tea flavored vodka and other sugary liquors like that. Or drinking too much in general, I guess. I eat fairly decent and I exercise, yet I still have so much fat on my stomach. It’s not an actual gut (yet), but it’s just pudgy. I’m really not feeling it. I did good when I got focused a couple of months ago. I guess I’ll have to crack down again. I gain weight primarily in my midsection. My limbs stay pretty trim and toned regardless. But all that means is that I’ll look like a diamond if I don’t watch myself. Blah.

This is a Long One

Well when I last left off, I was talking about the two excellent things that came out of my outing last Friday. One of them is whipped cream flavored vodka, which I never knew existed until then. It’s made by a company called Pinnacle. They also have a cotton candy flavor, which I’ve never had, but I could only find a picture of the cotton candy bottle online, so that’s what I had to use to illustrate.

The whipped cream flavor is AWESOME though. It actually tastes JUST like whipped cream…imagine that. But you know how with fruit-flavored vodkas – strawberry, grape, orange, etc. – it still tastes mostly like regular vodka with the slightest bit of a fruity aftertaste? This isn’t like that. It literally tastes like whipped cream.  If I wanted to get really fucked up I could drink it straight. And I’m not one to drink liquor straight. I wouldn’t call myself a lightweight, but I’m not much into drinking liquor that actually tastes like liquor because I think liquor is nasty.

This, to me, is the best invention since iced tea flavored vodka. Lincoln suggested I pair it with Sprite to get a cream soda-ish result and he was absolutely right. Men…sometimes they really are good for something. I’ve gots to get me a bottle of this stuff.

Secondly, my natural stalker abilities enabled me to obtain not only Professor’s phone number, but his Blackberry Messenger (BBM) PIN as well. This was all with Lincoln’s help…without him knowing it.

When Lincoln and I were chillin’ last week, I asked him about Professor. Only, given that I know Lincoln’s interested in me, I played it from the angle of my girlfriend Renee liking him (the one from work that I previously mentioned had seen him and became enthralled with him as well). Well I guess Lincoln is cool with him like that because he texts him right then and there and asks him for his BBM PIN. He says the BBM is not monitored by our IT department like texts are.

So after he does this, I ask him if I could hold his phone to play Brick Breaker (a Blackberry game). He lets me hold it and I open Brick Breaker and pretend to be interested, but in actuality while he’s distracted talking to his homie, I go through his contacts and pull up Professor’s number. I whip out my phone (also a Blackberry, hence my expert knowledge of how to navigate Lincoln’s phone) and open the notepad and type it in. Then, right on time, Professor actually texts him back at that moment with his BBM PIN. Aha! Typed that in too. I handed him his phone back casually with the opened text on the screen like “Here’s your boy texting you back…” I’m such a stalker, I know.

He sends Professor a message through the PIN but to my knowledge, Professor never wrote him back. Lincoln says something to the effect of  “He must know it’s about a piece of ass…” Nice.

So I let Renee in on the fact that I had Professor’s information now. Of course, I’m not actually intending to use it. For one, I wouldn’t know what to say. For two, it seems a little overboard. I forgot though, sometimes I’m actually kind of an overboard person. So fuck it…with some encouragement from Renee (because of course, she’s not putting HERSELF out there), I figure I’ll give it a go that Monday through the BBM only. That way, he’ll never know my phone number in case this all go horribly wrong.

Well, that was a big fail. He didn’t bite. I tried to add him like 3 times through the BBM and he kept denying the requests. LOL! I hinted at who I was, but I’m not sure if he caught on. Regardless, I’m not going to keep harassing the man on his phone if he doesn’t wanna talk.

I was content with that though. With the whole “middleman” approach via Hippie, I couldn’t be exactly sure whether it was an issue with me myself that made him bail out, or an issue with Hippie. At least I got to try for myself and approach him directly. So, I really wasn’t worried about it. I didn’t tell Hippie about it. Only Renee knew.

So, fast forward to Friday night. It was Hippie’s birthday. The night before, he’d told me that he was going out on his friend’s boat and that they’d probably end up at a waterfront bar afterward and he’d let me know where. I didn’t count on that though, so I planned on doing my own thing regardless.

I got myself all dolled up and got out around 7. It was wack. There was no one there I knew like that and plus the kitchen was closed so I couldn’t even eat. AND…they were all out of the whipped cream vodka. Damn them! I had to settle for the iced tea vodka. I started texting Hippie to see what his status was. He told me they never made it out on the boat for some reason, but they were at the bar. He asked if I wanted to come. Absolutely. My current location wasn’t hitting the spot. It hasn’t been the last few times I’ve gone. I used to have a lot of fun there.

So I left after 2 drinks and drove to where Hippie and his crew were. Free drinks for me from then on…now that’s my kinda night. We sat on land for a little while, and then ventured off to the friend’s boat at the dock to sit. I had a laugh when one of the guys eagerly reached out to help me get into the boat and then his wife started bitching at him because he didn’t bother to help her. LOL…

It was on the boat that Hippie revealed an important piece of the Professor puzzle to me that makes everything make sense now. Last week, like Tuesday or Wednesday, Hippie told me that he and Stallion (they work together and are good friends, in case I’ve never mentioned that) were having lunch with another higher-up. There was nothing to that tidbit of information then, he just happened to mention during casual chat that they were all eating together. Great. Now, the third higher-up in question – we’ll call him…hmmmmm….Zorro – I don’t know like that. I’ve hung out at the watering hole before when he’s been there and conversed with him a little, but that’s about it.

So back to the boat…Hippie reveals to me that at this lunch, Zorro was talking trash about me basically. From what I understand, he told Hippie and Stallion (not knowing that I’m cool with them BOTH), that Professor had asked him and Pretty Ricky what the deal with me was since he’d heard I was interested in him. I’m not sure exactly when this was but I’d reckon that it was probably some time in May around the time that me, Professor, and Hippie were all supposed to meet up.

Well apparently Zorro told Professor about a time when I was drunk and allegedly I offered Zorro a sexual favor if he’d drive me home. LOL! Really? Now, I do remember this night in question. It was October 29th, as a matter of fact. 10 fucking months ago. It was my very first time at the spot. I’d just met Lincoln and he’d invited me to hang out. Zorro was there. Stallion was there (that’s the night I met him). Pretty Ricky was there (there was mutual hardcore flirting, but nothing ever came of it).

I will admit, I got EXTREMELY drunk. I was a little out of control and it was not a good look. Those drinks there, if you’re not used to them, will stun you. They are fucking strong. And cheap. So yeah, they got the hell out of me, I was FUCKED up. I will admit, there are some short periods of time I don’t even remember. The last time I was that drunk was in September 2006. I don’t like getting that drunk and I certainly didn’t intend to.

However, I highly doubt I “offered” anything like that to Zorro. I’m never been even remotely attracted to him or interested in him. He doesn’t have that bad of a face but he’s like 5’5″ and I’ve never been into short men. I was just never checking for him like that. I certainly don’t remember saying anything like that. I was probably flirting with him because I am quite flirtatious and friendly when I’m intoxicated, but if I’m not attracted to you while I’m sober, I’m not going to be attracted to you when I’m drunk. I’ve had plenty of drunken sex, but I’ve never woken up the next morning to find out it’s someone I never would’ve slept with if I was operating under good sense.

I just don’t see why I would say that…spontaneously. I can’t really deny having said it because like I said, I was so drunk that I don’t remember certain periods of time. But I just can’t imagine myself having said that to him. Ew. For a ride home? Really?

To make matters worse, apparently Pretty Ricky put his two cents into the equation and told Professor that I’m “crazy” and to stay away from me. You know…because every woman who doesn’t put up with a man’s bullshit is automatically “crazy.” *Yawn*. Really? Yes, we did have several bad episodes but I don’t recall doing anything that could actually be labeled crazy such as: following Pretty Ricky around, repeatedly calling or texting Pretty Ricky, threatening or causing damage to Pretty Ricky’s property, or threatening or causing bodily harm to Pretty Ricky. THAT is what crazy bitches do. I don’t do shit like that. Never have.

So, that’s the lowdown on the major cockblockage that has occurred. So that’s what scared Professor off.

Fucking exes. Pretty Ricky has some nerve. I don’t go around talking trash about you to people, so don’t do it to me. Even when I was mad at him and we weren’t talking, I never did. He’s kind of a cold asshole sometimes, but if someone I’m cool with asked me about him, I wouldn’t cockblock. I’d let her know that he IS kind of a womanizer, but just because it didn’t work out between he and I doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be different with someone else. Despite that, he’s actually a nice guy. I wouldn’t totally hate and try and smear his name. What a douchebag.

Well after hearing that, I was livid. So livid that I said fuck it, and I texted Professor myself. Respectfully, of course. I addressed him by his proper title and told him exactly who I am. I advised him that since he was asking about me to Pretty Ricky and Zorro at a certain point, I’d like to clarify some things. I told him that I don’t think the Zorro bit is true, but I did admit that I was really drunk on the night in question. I clarified that I’m not attracted to Zorro when I’m sober, so I wouldn’t have been when I was drunk. I told him that I just wanted to set things straight since my name is being smeared and I don’t appreciate it. And I finished by telling him that I’m disappointed that he’d listen to what other people say instead of finding out for himself

He never answered of course. He was probably like WTF. LOL…

That sat in the back of my mind for the rest of the night, but I still had fun with Hippie and crew. Eventually, we sailed across the water to another waterfront bar. Some random colleague I’d never met had joined us just before we set sail. On the way in to the second bar, we were talking and he was asking if I’m with Hippie and if I’m single and all that and he bought me a drink. But soon after, he started talking to a chick there and I stuck with Hippie for the rest of the night.

At 2 a.m. we headed back over to the original bar and they tucked the boat back into the storage yard adjacent to it. I rode with Hippie’s friend in his truck back to his house while Hippie drove my car. I think originally, Hippie’s friend was gonna pick up some beers at his house and head to Hippie’s house around the corner with us, but he decided not to. So then Hippie drove me and my car back to his house. We’d picked up some Taco Bell on the way, which we ate in his dining room.

Then we headed upstairs. I wasn’t intending on having sex with Hippie. We’ve had a moment, but I’m not really attracted to him like that. I guess mostly because lately we’ve been on the friends tip almost daily and I like preserving a decent friendship with a man sometimes.

Be that as it may, I was wearing a sundress but I took it off to get into the bed, leaving me with only panties on. That’s how I sleep. I don’t know why I thought I could sleep that way in the bed with him without any problems though. I figured there’d be some light petting, but mostly we’d just cuddle and pass out together. Well, nope. He wanted to go all the way. I didn’t. He got mad and kicked me out. LOL. Totally not something I’d expect from him but I guess a man is a man regardless. I don’t remember the exact dialogue, but after I pushed his hand away from down there yet again, he jumped up and said something about how it’s NOT okay for me to think I can just sleep in a bed with him like that and there not be any sex. Okay? So I left. Whatever.

I came home and found that I was still pissed about the whole Professor thing, so I went and dug up an old cell phone bill from last October to find the last good number I had for Pretty Ricky. I sent a text to advise him that he is not to speak another negative word about me to anyone that’s not work related. Then I went to sleep.

I woke up yesterday morning slightly hungover, but overall not so bad. My head just ached a little. I found that I was dissatisfied with the uncertainty that the number I dug up for Pretty Ricky was still current and that he’d received my text, so I decided to communicate to him through a means where I’d be absolutely sure he’d get it: his work email. From my work account to his, I told him that in case he didn’t get my text, I’m just reiterating that I’d appreciate it if he and his “boys” didn’t go around badmouthing me to other coworkers on a personal level. I told him I do not speak badly of him to other people and I’d appreciate the same treatment in return.

Later in the day, I sent Stallion a series of texts telling him that I heard about his little lunchtime conversation about me the other day, and he can tell his boy Zorro to keep my name out of his mouth. He didn’t answer.

I texted Hippie last night to let him know I’d made it home okay, not that he cared since he kicked me out. He didn’t answer that or 2 subsequent texts today. I told him I was confused because I figured since I was the one who got kicked out, I should be the angry one. But I’m not. We were supposed to hang out tomorrow, but obviously it’s not happening.

I guess everyone’s mad at me. Fuck these people. I don’t really care. I don’t care that they’re superiors. They’re acting more like teen-aged high school girls than the leaders that they’re supposed to be and it’s annoying. I guess it’s just such a slippery slope when you start dating within a certain group of people. I was warned about this very thing a couple of years back and now I understand. You get involved with one and it doesn’t work out. Then you’re with another. And then another. They may not all be best friends but they do know each other and obviously things are bound to get out and then it’s a great possibility that it’ll turn into a total clusterfuck like the above.

Eh…it’s cool. It is what it is. This is nothing that’s going to kill me. I might look a little foolish, but I’ll survive. They’re all just men. There are plenty out there.  I just need to start fresh I guess. And to STOP with the work romances.

Oh yes, if everything I just talked about wasn’t bad enough, I forgot that I broke down and texted Mr. Smooth again. *Sigh*. I’m pathetic, I know. It was while I was still at the work watering hole before I went to meet up with Hippie. I was only on my first drink so I can’t even blame alcohol. I just broke down. I told him I still felt badly about the mean stuff I said and that I still missed him sometimes and wished things could’ve turned out better. He didn’t respond, of course. He probably knows about the Professor thing too. Oh well.

So…my man/sex drought continues. I don’t even care anymore. Maybe this is what I need…a rest. Time to focus more on me and learning to love myself enough to stop chasing after men who don’t want me and that I know aren’t good for me.

I still hold out the tiniest hope that one day…somewhere…somehow…a man that I’m interested will like, actually be interested in me back. This will be a totally foreign concept, and I probably won’t understand what’s going on, but hopefully I figure it out before it’s too late.

Or maybe it’ll never happen. It has yet to happen so far in my 14 years of dealing with the opposite sex.

There was an interesting article in the July Cosmo called “How to Break a Toxic Love Pattern.” I saved it because it kind of hit home. The theory was that us women develop our taste in men early in life based on positive and negative experiences with men in our lives. You might find yourself dating the same kind of man repeatedly in the attempts to resolve your issues with males who disappointed you earlier in life – daddy and/or early boyfriends.

I thought that was interesting, and probably true. I could see some of that in myself.

On a less somber note, I got a call from a girlfriend/colleague of mine who I haven’t talked to or seen in a while. She works with the random colleague guy from Friday night who bought me the drink at the second bar. Apparently he’s been raving about me to her, but he can’t remember my name. From what he described, she discerned that it was me so she called to ask if I’d been on a boat Friday night and I affirmed. When he’d told me where he worked, I asked if he knew my friend and it turned out they work together. She said he’d talked about me nonstop since they got to work today, about how pretty I am, etc. In the midst of so much bullshit with men, it’s nice to be admired.

Okay well I’ve rambled enough. I’m going to try to make smarter decisions from now on. To be so smart, I’m kind of dumb sometimes. That is all.

 

Hi!

So as I thought, nothing came of Mr. Smooth’s threat. I was never worried about it – he’s a lot of things to me at this point, but “stupid” isn’t one of them. He was just pissed off, and that’s exactly what I was trying to do – make him angry. I wanted to push his buttons. I get like that when I’ve reached my breaking point. Once my feelings have been stomped on once and twice and thrice and then so many times I can no longer count, I WILL lash out eventually. Once I see that a man won’t be affected by my sentiment, then I’ll try another way to get a reaction out of him – anger. That usually works.

I will be the most vile, vicious, ignorant creature alive. I’m not particularly proud of it, but I figure that since I keep my viciousness strictly on a verbal level, I’m actually giving a lot of these people a break. I’ve talked a lot of trash and said a lot of evil shit to men in my lifetime, but I’ve never busted any windows or slashed any tires or anything like that. I’ve FELT like doing it, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Not worth the risk.

So yeah, I don’t think me and Mr. Smooth will ever be cool again. And actually, I don’t care. Since I bitched him out, I’ve felt great. I’ve hardly ever thought about him or anything. I saved all the texts in my phone and look at them from time to time because they amuse me.

I went to the work watering hole last night and hung out for a little bit. After I left I met up with Stallion to catch up since he was working. I revealed Mr. Smooth’s identity to him. I’d told him tidbits about that whole saga in the past, but I stopped short of telling him who it was because they know each other and I wasn’t sure what might come of that. At this point, it doesn’t matter though. I don’t think they’re friends and/or hang out like that or anything anyway. So I let the cat out of the bag. I sensed a little bit of jealousy.

I did learn that Mr. Smooth has separated from his wife. That would explain why he was all up “Marie’s” ass at the party filled with people who know his wife. Stallion apparently heard that Mr. Smooth left his wife FOR someone else – possibly “Marie” – but he didn’t know for sure. But the way he heard it, someone was basically like “He left his wife for that…?” So I ain’t the only one thinking Marie just isn’t the business. But hey…you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. If some mediocre/average chick is worth his marriage to him, then more power to him. Maybe her pussy is made of diamonds or something.

I still have the hugest crush on Professor, by the way. A friend from work does now too. She called me last night while I was out talking about she just saw him and he’s fuckin’ hot. I was like DUH I told you. The Hippie route seems to be a dead end. A few weeks back when I was still bugging Hippie about it on the regular, he mentioned me to Professor again and said that Professor said that we’d get together soon. Obviously nothing’s come from that. Hippie ended up bitching me out for constantly bothering him about it. He said that if Professor were interested he’d have tried to set something up by now. True, but not quite. The man’s only seen me in pictures. I guarantee if I can just run across him one time in person, it’ll be a done deal. From what I heard, and keep hearing, he’d be all over this. *Sigh*

Still no sex for me. Lots of offers and opportunities, but just not feeling anyone like that. Maybe I’m a lesbian now or something.

I briefly entertained the idea with Dimples again. The more I see him, the sexier he seems to get. He has a really nice body…rock hard arms. Yum. We were texting last week and he told me for the sake of honesty that he was sleeping with someone I’m cool with, though not necessarily friends with. No clue who that is but I figure that if she’s not a friend then it doesn’t matter to me. Then he started talking about not wanting to settle down and all that. I texted him some last night but that didn’t go anywhere. I don’t think we’ll ever have sex.

I played with Stallion for a little bit last night by flashing him a few times and stuff, and then of course he started asking about coming over after work. Definitely not interested in having sex with him. I just like teasing him, it’s fun.

I don’t think I’ll ever have sex.