Eh…

My life is epitome of mundane at the moment, so I really have nothing of interest to write about. I’m kind of at my wit’s end with a stressful situation at work that just can’t seem to resolve itself and go away, so that’s kind of putting in a dent in life’s general enjoy-ability factor for the moment.

Weeks ago I was inebriated and sent a drunken text to Chad about how I hope his girlfriend left his cheating ass. I wish I hadn’t, not because I care about how much of a bitch I was, but just for the fact that I initiated contact so it makes me look pressed when I honestly don’t think about him often or care about him. I haven’t seen him since our fateful meet-up in August.

I also sent a drunken text to Wiley a couple of weeks ago about the upcoming election. Ugh. I cringe for the same reasons surrounding the circumstances of my text to Chad.

And subsequently, to prevent these types of mishaps in the future, I deleted both of their numbers from my phone, along with those of several other jackasses that I don’t expect to talk to or hear from again in this lifetime (Zach, Blaze, JP, etc).

The week before last, I strong-armed Scout into telling me he loved me pursuant to a conversation we had regarding whether or not it bothered him if I had sex with other people. He said he “guessed” it was “my business” but implored me to be safe considering our own activities.

Ever the stoic Marine. Despite his veneer of insouciance, I could tell that it was probably something that really did trouble him, yet I think it’s more a matter of him feeling like he doesn’t have the “right” to demand my sexual exclusivity given that he is married and thus cannot offer me the benefits of a full relationship. I’m not sure I officially committed myself to him, but I did say that I have no interest in other people and that I consider he and I a real “thing” despite his limitations. And from there I said I wanted for him to explicitly tell me he loves me. And he did…complete with emojis, which he never uses. So I know it’s real.

In other news, I made the leap from Tinder to Bumble. Tinder has just been rather underwhelming lately, or maybe I’m just sick of it now that I’ve been on it for over 2 years now. (I’m trying not to ponder how pathetic that kind of is given that I still remain just as single as I was when I started on the Tinder train in 2014.)

Besides the luster finally wearing off, for whatever reason notifications of new messages do not push through to my phone though I have the option checked off and thus I have to manually check by opening the app to see if anyone has contacted me. I only remember or am bored enough for it to come to mind sporadically, and thus quite a few conversations have dissolved into the ether due to my inadvertent neglect and general indifference.

My friend Tyra had been raving about Bumble a little while ago, proclaiming that while it wasn’t as big of a pool as a Tinder, the guys on Bumble tended to be better looking.

So the other night, with that in mind, I finally decided to take the plunge. So far, so good, I guess. The guys do seem to generally be of higher quality, but they seem to be a lot more picky as well. Everyone knows that on these match apps, there are people you wouldn’t mind matching with, and then there are people you REALLY want to match with. I seem to not be getting many of the latter, which is a bummer. Maybe I’m out of my league here. I’m getting a good bit of matches overall though…about the same as I would on Tinder, I guess. So I think I’m going to stick with it for a little while and see what happens. I hid my profile on Tinder last night because I don’t really like being on multiple sites/apps at once. I think that comes off as desperation or trying too hard or something otherwise weird.

The pressure to initiate contact doesn’t really bother me because I’m not really putting in effort to say anything particularly clever or groundbreaking to most people for the first message. “Hi” and “Hello” have sufficed so far. Everyone knows that the level of attraction is the ultimate deciding factor as to how someone perceives an initial message, so I don’t feel the need to bother.

The most significant interaction I’ve had so far is with a decently attractive attorney that I matched with around Tuesday night. It started off promising – we began immediately with substantive conversation and he communicated with well-written, complete sentences. Yet by the next morning (with no provocation on my part), he commenced with inserting strong sexual references into the conversation – starting with his random, offhand hypothesis that we’d be good in bed together – which increasingly turned me off as time went on.

A guy delving into sexual territory too soon definitely triggers a certain cringe factor, but nevertheless I ignored it at first because I otherwise did think he was cute and intelligent and so I was willing to overlook one faux pas. Yet it only got worse from there and it became clear, despite our several discussions about it and his claims to the contrary, that he was more than likely just looking for sex.

Between bouts of decent conversation, he just kept on throwing in allusions to sex that started getting irritating. He made a point of telling me how women often are surprised at how sexually confident he is, whatever that means. And all of his “compliments” were tinged with a sexual overtone that I didn’t find necessarily flattering. It wasn’t just that he thinks it’d be fun to spend a day with me, but a day “in bed.” He couldn’t just say I looked hot in the evening dress featured in one of my pictures, but that he liked how I was somewhat “spilling out” on top.

Yet when I’d call him on it for putting the cart a little bit before the horse, he replied that he doesn’t necessarily feel the need to “bifurcate” things…that I should appreciate being “lusted after” as much as I appreciate someone being attracted to my mind. Being lusted after is great and all, but with someone I don’t know and am still trying to assess to figure out how attracted I am to him, that doesn’t exactly send me into a erotic frenzy. Quite frankly, at the risk of sounding vain, I’m used to guys wanting to get into my pants, like most women are. I don’t really find it that compelling unless I’m specifically in the market for a hookup.

Even still, we managed to get as far as even exploring tentative plans for a date; I told him I’d be free the following weekend and he said he’d see because of how crazy things would get for him job-wise around the election.

The next morning, in true fashion, I did not get a good morning or something otherwise civil, but instead a “Ready for the shower?” in reference to both of us having plans to go to the gym early that morning.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when, referring to the knee-high socks I had on as part of a Halloween costume in one picture, he exclaimed that he wanted to see about me wearing nothing but those over at his place. *Sigh*

I’d had enough at that point. And I’m not even particularly prudish so it’s not so much that his sexual comments offended me rather than I just think they were way too premature for how much our chemistry had developed thus far. As well as the fact that I had warned him several times that it was turning me off and he failed to listen. Flirtation is fine and even essential to any type of budding romance, but he was just way too over the top too soon. As “sexually confident” as he thinks he is, he was kind of coming off as a hormonal 15-year-old boy.

We had yet another conversation about our quite obviously different mindsets, yet when he asked where we go from there I was still willing to give him another chance. So I asked if he wanted to text. He replied with some lame remark about how to him texting is more “intimate” and he’d be expecting more. LOL. It was crystal clear at that point that he was just looking for a hook up and thus I just gave him a simple “Ok” and left it at that. And when I later found he had unmatched with me, I gave 0 fucks.

Life is grand!

Mean Girl

I ended up sending Chad a couple more texts that fateful Wednesday night. Topped off with a phone call – none of which he bothered responding to.

Well, okay then, asshole.

I was pretty bummed out over it at work the next day, envisioning how super awkward it’d be to run into him and what would even go down if that happened. But as fate would have it, I ended up getting some pivotal intel that evening.

Chad and I have a mutual friend that we both used to work with in different capacities. I happened to ask this friend about Chad that preceding week – about whether he was a good guy or a bad guy and offering scant details about our activities. Friend said he was a good guy.

That Thursday after work, I happened to text said friend to joke about how he vouched for Chad , who is now acting like a tool as he stood me up Tuesday night. Friend mentioned running into Chad late that very night and a pursuant conversation during which Chad remarked that his girlfriend was moving in next month. And apparently she was at his house that night.

Yikes.

I immediately texted Chad to express my dismay. He wasn’t interested in answering until I mentioned his girlfriend by name and stated I might be in the mood to have a conversation with her over Facebook about her boyfriend’s recent antics. Then, lo and behold, suddenly he was picking up right away when I called. Imagine that!

Several issues were coalescing at this point: A) Why had I not heard from you since Tuesday evening when we were supposed to hang out? B) What is this about you and your girlfriend about to move in together? That sounds a lot more serious than you made it appear, buddy.

Many excuses abounded regarding Tuesday about how he ended up working later than expected and blah, blah, blah. Right. It was never established why a text or phone call to advise of this remained nonexistent. We didn’t have time to delve into the relationship issue as he said he had to go and would call me back later.

I stopped at happy hour and was shortly thereafter joined unexpectedly by Manny. He ended up being so kind as to give me a ride home and changing the flat tire I had discovered that morning, resulting in an impromptu Uber to work as I didn’t have time to deal with it right then. Chad called me while I was on the way home but I rejected the call and said I’d call him back in about an hour. As promised, I did, but nothing productive really resulted from the conversation as I was a little tipsy and irritated. He said he would be out of town over the next few days for work but said he wanted to meet up on Sunday when he was back so we could talk in person.

Sunday arrives. I wasn’t really sure what time I was supposed to hear from him and I wasn’t confident that he would stick to his word anyway. He called  mid-morning to say that he was  90 minutes or so from being back in town and would call me back when he was about 30 minutes out. He suggested meeting at our building at first but I didn’t really want to intermix what would amount to a personal romantic discussion/altercation with the office – didn’t think that too appropriate. I suggested an entertainment locale around the corner instead.

Our conversation took all of 10 minutes because it was essentially just a plethora of BS apologies on his part, him begging me not to tell his girlfriend, and me looking and feeling quite apathetic toward his entreaties. It wasn’t sincere. He wasn’t sorry, he was just scared that I’d screw his relationship up. His eyes, that used to be warm and kind toward me, were now cold and distant and that said it all.

Even still, I could’ve walked away without ever having caused that man trouble and moved on with my life quite easily. He was starting to make me smile a bit with the extreme amount of charm he laid on, but I didn’t necessarily like him to any significant extent just yet. And I almost did walk away and leave well enough alone.

But the nail in his coffin was when he admitted that his radio silence was his way of trying to “dissipate” our thing. That pissed me off. Like, seriously? So after being Prince Charming for 2 weeks, you were just going to do a total 180 and kick me to the curb just like that? That’s not very nice. That sealed the deal for me in that I decided that since he felt I was deserving of so little respect and consideration, then I will treat him the same way in the only way that will matter to him. Only, I’m not him. I’m not particularly a coward or a liar and I told him right to his face that I was still leaning toward pulling the trigger.

It equally annoyed me when he tried to use my own logic against me. I had brought up over the course of Wednesday, that, being as we are colleagues and will probably run into each other from time to time, it’d be nice if he could actually respond so we could just sort things out and not make it a “thing” where it’d have to be all awkward and tense should we have to cross paths. He tried to turn that around on me in person as to why I shouldn’t say anything to his girlfriend…because he didn’t want a bad personal or working relationship with me. LOL. Oh, so now suddenly he cares about that. Nice try. We’re past that point. That just irritated me even further.

To emphasize: I wasn’t TOO angry about the girlfriend. I knew about her; the only minor bother I had was that obviously they were quite a bit more serious than he let on, or that he acted like they were. That out-of-state wedding he had just gone to, he claimed when I asked that his girlfriend wasn’t going, but I have reason to believe she did. Why lie about that? I’m still not sure if he lied about the amount of time they were together, because while it’s not unheard of, moving in together after a mere 6 months is pretty quick. Our mutual friend couldn’t confirm how long they had been together, and Chad wouldn’t, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they had been together for longer and he was fibbing to once again downplay the seriousness. But in any case, it wasn’t the girlfriend part that bothered me extremely.

It was his admittance that he was in fact purposely giving me the cold shoulder and obviously thought that that is what I was worthy of. Blowing off our scheduled hang-out and then not even bothering to explain or face up to anything. By his own admittance, what he SHOULD’VE done was just explained that he’d had second thoughts about all of this. I already knew that was probably the deal and so although it would’ve come completely out of left field, I would’ve been good with that. No harm, no foul. We’re cool.

Scout and I have waaaaaaay more time in and way more emotions involved and even if HE suddenly started having doubts or second thoughts and wanted to end things, I’d be pretty devastated for a little while I’m sure, but I’d never feel the need to go snitch on him to his wife. I’m just really not like that.

But, Chad? Eh. I guess I just didn’t really care. We weren’t a “thing” long or intense enough for me to care about him. Or really, at the risk of me sounding demented, for me to care about hurting him. Upon us walking back to the building for our cars together, I tried to give him some encouragement by remarking that maybe his girlfriend wouldn’t even break up with him once she knew. There’s always a bright side to anything. I was being facetious, of course. I’m not sure he appreciated it.

It has been few times in life that a guy has pissed me off enough for me to contact a significant other. I’m not saying one reason is any better than the other, but it’s never out of a sense of wanting to sabotage other romances so that he will get kicked to the curb and want to be with me or something. Some of it is spite/revenge, of course, and some is genuinely wanting to warn another woman. She can do what she will from there, I consider it a burned bridge at that point and have no further interest. It certainly didn’t deter the girlfriend of one such jackass, Robbie. Funnily enough, Robbie and I actually keep in contact on occasion. After my conversation with his until-then secret girlfriend, though she vehemently declared that she was done with him for good since she’s had issues like that with him before, they were back together within, at the most, 6 months. And they got married in May of this year. Way to take a stand, girl!

Anyway, once Chad and I parted ways I went immediately home and composed a Facebook message to his girlfriend giving an overview of the experience I’d had with her boyfriend over the past couple of weeks. From our first meeting to his obvious ulterior-motive emails the next week to his myriad of texts and phone calls and breakfast and drinks and making out. The only problem with Facebook is its random message filters that send your attempted communications to No Man’s Land if you’re not friends with a person. And I’ve never been sure if there’s a way to tell if it’s been seen or not if that should happen. She and I actually have a friend in common (the wife of aforementioned mutual friend), but it’s always been a mystery to me as to what actually gets to your main inbox and what doesn’t. I’m not sure if the one common friend is enough to “legitimize” me to the Facebook algorithm.

Not satisfied with that, because it just doesn’t sit well with me, the idea of my message languishing in some filtered inbox for days, weeks, months, or even years, the next day I decided to up the ante and email her. I’m not sure what’s considered stalker-ish or creepy nowadays, given that the internet makes it pretty easy to find any type of information on a person if you’re looking for it, but it’s possible I’m somewhat in either or both categories. So be it. But let’s just say that she’s a pretty accomplished individual with a distinctive name so a simple Google search proved to be very fruitful.

I composed a follow-up email referencing my original Facebook message and kept this one really short and sweet, sending her a screen shot of texts Chad and I exchanged in the first hours of us texting (all my incoming and outgoing texts are automatically saved through an app), and told her if she wants to see more or has any questions or needs clarification, she can feel free to contact me.

I never heard from her. Not really concerned with whether I do or not. Ditto for Chad, who I haven’t heard from or seen since our Sunday rendezvous. I did what I wanted to do and am done with it. I’ve barely thought about it since, to be honest. In a fucked up way, it’s almost as if I feel better because screwing him over boomeranged the negative energy he imparted on to me back over to him, like volleying a tennis ball back across the net. I put it back where it belongs and now am relieved of it. I have no idea if she ever read any of my communiques, or if she did, whether it put him in the doghouse or not. It really doesn’t matter either way.

I’m quite sure this makes me some unsettling combination of crazy and mean, but what I actually feel like is that I’m just tired of peoples’ nonsense. Oh well. What I am, I am. And what I’m not, I’m not.

 

Slumping

So, there I was just talking about how I know Scout loves me but it’s not something we’ve ever said to each other and that I’ve never asked for him to.

Well I just asked for him to. As of Saturday night. When he hit me up out of the blue asking what I was doing. But it was 10 or so o’clock by then and I was well out into an outing with some girlfriends and a little on the intoxicated side of things. After some miscommunication on my part causing some delay, I ended up Ubering home and Scout came over.

I honestly remember very little of the conversation but for the parts where I asked him if he loved me and he said yes. But his affirming what I knew and felt wasn’t the precursor to us riding away into the sunset together or anything like that…he kind of asked me what I expected from him regarding his marriage, and I told him not a thing. I remember drunkenly reiterating that this did not mean I expected anything to change and I don’t want him to be scared, I just wanted to know. And now I do.

Of course, thinking about it the next day in a sober state, I felt face-palmingly embarrassed. That is definitely a conversation that I would rather have had non-hammered. Ugh. And of course, not having the mental acuity at the time to accurately gauge his REAL reaction apart from what he actually said, I was afraid maybe I had weirded him out. Ah, but it was a Sunday and so I wasn’t immediately able to smooth things over. I had to wait until Monday.

So I texted him Monday morning to basically say as much. To apologize for broaching that topic of conversation while drunk and then to reiterate that I don’t want anything from him that he doesn’t already give me. He said “Ok no worries” and made other terse replies so I felt like he was being short or awkward and told him jokingly to stop being weird. He didn’t answer that and then we didn’t talk yesterday at all. However, today he initiated conversation and we seem to be in our normal midst of things so I guess all is well.

It’s nice to be loved by someone even though it’s not a traditional relationship and will never be completely fulfilling for either of us. But we are what we are and we do what we do. And that’s it.

Lord knows I need love from somewhere because I’m not having any luck on any other fronts.

After several texts over the course of a week or so that Wiley did not respond to, I kind of got fed up and told him off on Sunday. He responded on Monday with stern replies about how he’s been on vacation with barely any service and he told me he’d be scarce and he enjoyed our dates but he thinks it’s best we leave things here. I guess because I wasn’t understanding enough with barely having spoken to him in 6 weeks. Because it’s 2016 and not the 1980s and everyone has a cell phone attached to their hip these days so I would think a guy that claimed to like me would want to make some type of effort to be in contact despite his apparently heavy duty travel as of late. So the fact is…he didn’t like me enough. That solves that. I don’t really feel that hurt about it, the whole thing just annoys me like most dating scenarios do nowadays because it’s usually just a giant waste of my time, as this was.

Then there was Chad, who as of last night stood me up and is still MIA despite a couple of texts, so there goes that too, I guess. Whatever it was.

Last Tuesday night he happened to ask me what I was up to. I had a late work meeting for the then-upcoming conference I was at from Sunday until this afternoon. He asked what I was doing after because he might be out with a couple of buddies. I ended up meeting him and his friends out – 2 other people from work who I did not know until that point.

Nonetheless, once we all warmed up to each other it was a good time. Also the first time Chad and I had hung out outside of work. His friends started taking off after an hour or so, so Chad I left and walked to another place. Not before Chad took it upon himself to pay my $74.00 tab at the one place, which was random and sweet.

At the second spot I saw one of the owners who I’m cool with sitting at an outside table, so I spoke and told him I’d go in and get a drink and be back out. But once Chad and I were inside he expressed discontent at sitting with a third party because he wanted us to have a chance to be alone. Point taken – we ended up having one more drink inside to ourselves before calling it a night.

And we kissed in the bar briefly and then again outside on the way back to our cars. So that escalated pretty quickly.

Texting was pretty scant in the ensuing days due to his work schedule, and then he had an out-of-state wedding to go to over the weekend, but he did call me Saturday afternoon. We then talked some more Monday afternoon when I was headed out for lunch after the conference business broke. It was then that he took the time to tell me how significant it was for him to invite me around those particular friends because they are really good friends of his. I guess, all-in-all to say he likes me, which he had said in the days before as well. Along with telling me how beautiful I am constantly.

So I suppose we had had tentative plans for him to come by the hotel or to hang out in the vicinity later when I was done at an evening conference event, but I never got back to him because I got tipsy and ended up passing out. Yesterday morning I looked to see he had texted me after 11 to tell me he hoped I had a good night. He said I was supposed to text him and I thought it was the other way around, but whatever the case may be we got past that and he ended up calling me in the late afternoon. He had to work pretty late, but said he’s get up with me when he was done and we’d hang out.

I wanted to see him, and I didn’t want to go out and get too drunk or otherwise indisposed so I forwent several activities I could have attended with friends to have my night clear for him this time since I guess I screwed it up the night before. All I did was order room service and chill in the room watching TV. I sent him a couple of texts – particularly one when he suddenly came up under “People You May Know” from Facebook which means he had checked my page out at some point. I joked with him also about how he had said he was worried about me due to several events that had gone on near the hotel.

I texted him again when I knew work was coming to a close. And then again once I knew it was definitely over and I still had yet to receive ANY responses going on 4 or 5 hours now after we had JUST talked on the phone.

Never heard anything from him.

This morning I woke and lamented to him that he had stood me up after I cleared my night for him and I was disappointed. I  sent another text about 2 hours later that it appears he is actually not a nice guy after all.

So I guess we can just assume he died and that’s very sad. Because I would only find a death or life-threatening injury to be sufficient excuses for behavior like that. Considering anything else would just make me kind of angry. So, whatever happened to him, that sucks.

In any case, I’m not really doing that well on the romantic side of things which is pretty much par for the course so at least if you look at it like that, my life is consistent.

But I am in a slump right now that I want to get out of. Scout  and I agreed that 10 pounds would be good for me to lose. I said 20, he said maybe 8.5, so we agreed on 10. And that’s not because he was trying to make me feel bad about myself or that he even brought it up, it was me whining to him so he was trying to help. And I could lose 10 or so. I’ve been wanting it off for a while and was doing really well, but I regressed because I started drinking more, really out of boredom or just lack of anything else productive to do and alcohol does not do the metabolism any favors.

So, going to kill 2 birds with one stone over the next month I guess. And leaving the boys alone, for now. Except Scout. At least someone cares about me, I guess.