Hopeless

Well, not much has changed here. My career is looking up, but my love life is still pretty pathetic. I did manage to break my sex drought with Caesar, but it was only one time back in July and it was not a remarkable experience. I’ve barely spoken to him since although we still work out of the same building and thus see each other from time to time. I’m not attracted to him anymore though.

Otherwise, here I am still…29 and single. Starting to hear my biological clock tick. Still struggling to find out how to connect with somebody.

My most recent dating disaster involved a guy I’ll call Robo. He’s a colleague that I knew of, but only actually met in person in early February when I happened into the same bar. I knew who he was when I saw him though. Even though I’d never met him, I’d always kind of admired him due to his reputation for being really physically strong. He flirted with me somewhat, but was very standoffish most of the night. When the bar shut down he walked me to my car somewhat begrudgingly, but then gave me his phone number. I texted him on a tipsy note when I got home and he explained that he’s just very private and didn’t want the other guys he works with in his business, but said that he wanted me to have his number all along and that he liked me. Seemed like a good start to me.

Well from there, it went downhill, like 100% of my encounters with men do. He wasn’t very prompt with answering text messages and that annoyed me. And I don’t mean he didn’t text me back within seconds, but it would be several days of him not answering for hours or even at all. He explained that he was really into training and working out and so wasn’t always available to answer the phone and I accepted that. We kind of fell out once after he literally did not answer me for 3 days but we made up and even made plans to hang out. He was supposed to come over one evening so I could cook him dinner but canceled at the last minute with some bullshit excuse about work. I was irritated, but I got over it and thought we’d reschedule. Well, then I didn’t hear shit from him for the next 5 days despite my daily greetings to him and then when I finally did hear from him, he told me that he was getting back together with an ex. And to top it off, it turned out he gave me his work phone number and not his main phone number, which made sense given him not answering text messages for days at a time.

I happened to see him in the bar the next week and we talked a bit and then he told me it wasn’t an ex, but someone he just met that stole his heart or some shit. Really, dude? He said we’d talk some more but then sneaked out eventually. I texted him when I got home in an irate manner and he said that life is unpredictable and he met someone he cared deeply about. Again…really?  So that conversation did not go well and I left it alone for a couple of weeks. Then I texted him eventually to apologize and make peace and he did not respond. I texted him again in the early morning hours of St. Patrick’s Day and still no response. Then finally today I asked why he was being so mean and he told me he’s not being mean, but he’s in a relationship. I told him I’m no longer interested in him romantically, but just wanted to clear the air so we can be cordial to one another should we cross paths again, that’s all. And I apologized for my vicious behavior and he accepted and I wished him well in his relationship.

But honestly, I really don’t wish him well. Because I’m tired of being the loser in all these love battles. So you basically meet me and another girl around the same time, but for some reason she’s the one who wins your affection and not me? And why is that, exactly? I feel like I’m always on the losing end. Like I’m just chopped liver or something. For once, I would just like to meet a guy I like and have him give some type of damn about me too…just ONE TIME. I’m just starting to think that I’m just some terrible, defective person in some way that I can’t see that makes guys look at me and never see someone they would want to be with. It’s a very sad feeling. And I’m not exaggerating when I say “for once”…I’ve never been in a serious relationship because I’ve literally NEVER been able to sustain a connection with anyone I really like. It’s like if I’m into a guy, then it is automatically made so that he will not be into me.

The one thing I know that hinders me a lot is the fact that I get infatuated really easily. And I get infatuated easily I guess because I’m generally starving for affection yet I’m so picky that I rarely ever meet anyone that I’m solidly attracted to. But when I do meet that person finally, I probably come on unattractively strong. I almost feel like once I get a guy’s number, I should force myself not to talk to him for 2 weeks or so until the initial butterflies have settled. Because anytime before then, I read too much into everything said to me and if I sense a level of enthusiasm less than my own, it drives me crazy.

I am slightly crazy, but not Fatal Attraction crazy.

Prince Charming…

I’m still waiting for him. Still Sexless in Seattle…14 months tomorrow. That’s not to say I’ve not gotten SOME action, but no intercourse.

In April, I ended up in a hotel room with Lincoln after a night of bar hopping which left me completely wasted. I was talking a little bit of trash I guess which is why we ended up there, but in the end I didn’t give up the goods. He went down on me (though I barely remember), and I gave him some hand action, but then I refused to go further and passed out. We woke up 4 hours later and he said he had to go so I started getting dressed. He pulled me down on the bed and tried to take off my panties but I refused him again. He was NOT a happy camper. We’ve talked a little and actually hung out again a few weeks ago for the first time since that episode, but he doesn’t really appear to be genuinely interested in me. He’s always been all talk and no action. He SAYS he likes me, but doesn’t show it. He’s SAID he’d take me to dinner, but has never done it. Most likely he was just trying to get into my pants. Well, it didn’t work. I’m not mad at him though.

Caesar is still Caesar. He’s still my boss and he’s still so wishy-washy that it’s hard to read him and it frustrates me. One minute he’s giving me the cold shoulder, the next minute he’s being flirtatious. Lately, he’s not answered hardly any of my texts so I told him the week before last that I’m not going to bother anymore since he ignores me 98% of the time. And fittingly, he ignored that one.

That was when he told me that I need to understand that he’s never going to hook up with me while I work for him. I told him I’ll leave him alone then. YET, at work he goes on to talk about how nice my lips are and asking if he can “borrow” them and making suggestive tongue gestures at me behind other people’s backs…telling me he wants me to sit on his face, etc…Like, okay asshole, if you’re not going to fuck me then shut the fuck up and stop playing games. He pushes me away then lures me back in…pushes me away and lures me back in. I think I’m done being a yo-yo for the moment though. Fuck it. I’ve been going back and forth with him for 3 years now.

Of course…I’ve faltered a few times since I made that resolution, but I haven’t texted him in 3 days now so I’m off to a good start. He hasn’t been to work this week, which is great because it’s easier to pretend you don’t want someone when you don’t have to look at him or hear him.

I had a casual date on  the Monday before last. LC is a distant coworker who added me on Facebook ages ago. We conversed on there a couple of times and he even offered me his number, but I never used it. I found him attractive from what I could see in his pictures (I couldn’t recall ever having seen him in person), but I figured he was just another one trying to get some ass or whatever.

Well in the last couple of weeks I’d been seeking work-related advice and insight from him since he’s a higher-up, and he’s been very attentive and helpful. That led to texting and flirting and eventually we made plans to hang out. We met up at a restaurant on that Monday evening and had dinner.

He’s attractive, overall. Nice hair, beautiful skin (it looked like he had on makeup as smooth and clear as it looked…he didn’t, of course), and he had on a nice suit ensemble (he was coming straight from work). He’s funny and charismatic and seems fairly intelligent. Once we warmed up to each other, it was a good time. We were there for over 3 hours.

The only thing is, his teeth are…not the most pleasant. And I feel bad for saying that because my teeth aren’t perfect by any means. However, I do have a nice smile. And that’s all I require from a man…a nice smile. A mouth I’d like to imagine kissing and being wrapped around my vulva. Minor tooth imperfections can even be charming. But his grill is a little off. I only got a brief look at his teeth when he first walked in. He doesn’t seem to smile with teeth much and I suppose it’s because he’s self-conscious about them.

Also…he’s in his late 30s and has two pre-teen children, which is fine. But he got a vasectomy years ago. So clearly he’s not interested in having more children. It’s not like I want to have a baby tomorrow, but, as I’m in my late 20s and I know I DEFINITELY want to reproduce one day, I’m starting to judge men these days not only as potential companions for me, but also as potential fathers for my future child(ren). Men who don’t want to have any more babies are basically out of the running. And as I have a thing for older men, that applies to a lot of them because they’ve already had their kids and their kids are old as shit and they most likely don’t want anymore. But if they haven’t had any vasectomies, then the chance is always there…

But I don’t know, LC is still cool though. Despite any physical hangups I have, he’s still attractive as a whole and I enjoyed myself with him. He’s been sending silly little texts since and even asked when I’m taking HIM to dinner (as if!) a couple of days ago, so I might hang out with him sooner rather than later…

Hi!

It’s been a while, and as such, a few of my “then” current points of interest are no longer on my plate as of now. But for the sake of continuity, I will update accordingly:

Pretty Ricky: He kept his word and took me out to dinner in early January. It was decent; we got to converse more candidly than we ever have and eat good food all in one go. But alas, I couldn’t get any. He said he’d been with someone for 6 months and wanted to act right. Cool…no hard feelings. No feelings at all, actually. I’d obviously redeveloped a crush on him, but it was nothing major. We haven’t talked much since then. A lot of crazy shit has been going on at work for which he’s been taking a lot of heat. Then on top of all that, his father died last month. I’ve sent him a couple of texts from time to time for encouragement purposes, but that’s been the extent of my contact with him aside from seeing him in passing at work.

Mr. Smooth: No contact with him in over 5 months now. He crosses my mind on occasion but only as an objective part of my history. He had a party last month and I saw him in some pictures on Facebook and it appears that he’s still dragging that raggedy looking chick around. Ah well – that infatuation has run its course.

Sex: Still Sexless in Seattle. Monday marked a year. Blah. I’m still waiting for someone to stand out from the crowd and no one is. *Yawn* It’s not a totally bad feeling though. A large part of the perseverance has been in proving that I can be disciplined enough to go for so long. Part of it is atonement…vindictiveness. It’s weird.

Anyway…at aforementioned dinner with Pretty Ricky, I learned a couple of interesting facts. The first of which was that Curly would be coming to work out of our building. I wasn’t sure how to feel about that, given our history. We don’t work directly together, but I was afraid of awkwardness given our sexual past and the fact that we traditionally haven’t gotten along. But he came and I’ve seen him a few times and we’re cordial and sans issues. He axed me on Facebook, but that’s no biggie. I guess he’s miffed from the last time he hit me up for ass whenever it was and I told him I wasn’t interested in being his bootycall. I must say though, that man certainly does wear a suit well. I love a man in a suit and he fills them out so well with his muscular frame. I’ve been tempted, but I’d definitely never try to hit him up now…too much potential for mess. But a sex-starved girl can and WILL certainly look…

The second tidbit that Pretty Ricky informed me of was of the arrival of someone I thought of as a bitter enemy at the time: Caesar.

I met Caesar a few years ago while I was hanging out and was smitten from the moment I laid eyes on him. We talked for a while in his truck later and eventually made out. We exchanged numbers and left things on a good note, but nothing ever got off the ground. SEVERE personality clash. There were several rounds of us starting off on a good note with mutual expressions of interest, and then suddenly everything spiraling downhill into intense cursing/insult matches within a matter of days. We wouldn’t talk for months and months and then I’d reach out and the vicious cycle would repeat. Before he became my boss in January, I hadn’t talked to him in probably like a year. And as explained, things did NOT end well. So when Pretty Ricky told me he was my new boss, I was on edge. I didn’t know what to expect. Pretty Ricky was aware of our background and asked if we’d get along. I couldn’t be sure…

Well it turns out that Caesar wasn’t harboring any hard feelings. My first day working with him, he acknowledged me cordially and I did the same. He’s gained a few pounds since we first met, but I still find him attractive. He still has a cute face…pretty smile…nice hair. Within his first 2 weeks we were flirting and he’d given me his number and he was definitely interested. Only…he’s my boss. There’s my direct supervisor and then there’s him. And he has complete control over me. So he said from the get-go that he wasn’t going to touch me until one of us happened to get assigned elsewhere. I thought I’d be able to break him eventually but he’s still holding fast to his resolution. And thus…sexual tension galore. He’s very hot and cold – sometimes he’s a dick to me and sometimes he’s nice. Sometimes he answers my texts and sometimes he doesn’t. But one thing that I’ve realized now that I work for him is that he’s a freaking micro-managing, controlling asshole. He is a pure dictator…hence the nickname. So now I see why we didn’t get along so well. I thought it was just me but now I see that he’s just a very dominating, controlling person. But of course I have to be more careful with him now because he’s my boss, so even if hes says or does something that ticks me off, whether professionally or personally, I can’t just start running off at the mouth like before.

That is all for now…