Eh…

My life is epitome of mundane at the moment, so I really have nothing of interest to write about. I’m kind of at my wit’s end with a stressful situation at work that just can’t seem to resolve itself and go away, so that’s kind of putting in a dent in life’s general enjoy-ability factor for the moment.

Weeks ago I was inebriated and sent a drunken text to Chad about how I hope his girlfriend left his cheating ass. I wish I hadn’t, not because I care about how much of a bitch I was, but just for the fact that I initiated contact so it makes me look pressed when I honestly don’t think about him often or care about him. I haven’t seen him since our fateful meet-up in August.

I also sent a drunken text to Wiley a couple of weeks ago about the upcoming election. Ugh. I cringe for the same reasons surrounding the circumstances of my text to Chad.

And subsequently, to prevent these types of mishaps in the future, I deleted both of their numbers from my phone, along with those of several other jackasses that I don’t expect to talk to or hear from again in this lifetime (Zach, Blaze, JP, etc).

The week before last, I strong-armed Scout into telling me he loved me pursuant to a conversation we had regarding whether or not it bothered him if I had sex with other people. He said he “guessed” it was “my business” but implored me to be safe considering our own activities.

Ever the stoic Marine. Despite his veneer of insouciance, I could tell that it was probably something that really did trouble him, yet I think it’s more a matter of him feeling like he doesn’t have the “right” to demand my sexual exclusivity given that he is married and thus cannot offer me the benefits of a full relationship. I’m not sure I officially committed myself to him, but I did say that I have no interest in other people and that I consider he and I a real “thing” despite his limitations. And from there I said I wanted for him to explicitly tell me he loves me. And he did…complete with emojis, which he never uses. So I know it’s real.

In other news, I made the leap from Tinder to Bumble. Tinder has just been rather underwhelming lately, or maybe I’m just sick of it now that I’ve been on it for over 2 years now. (I’m trying not to ponder how pathetic that kind of is given that I still remain just as single as I was when I started on the Tinder train in 2014.)

Besides the luster finally wearing off, for whatever reason notifications of new messages do not push through to my phone though I have the option checked off and thus I have to manually check by opening the app to see if anyone has contacted me. I only remember or am bored enough for it to come to mind sporadically, and thus quite a few conversations have dissolved into the ether due to my inadvertent neglect and general indifference.

My friend Tyra had been raving about Bumble a little while ago, proclaiming that while it wasn’t as big of a pool as a Tinder, the guys on Bumble tended to be better looking.

So the other night, with that in mind, I finally decided to take the plunge. So far, so good, I guess. The guys do seem to generally be of higher quality, but they seem to be a lot more picky as well. Everyone knows that on these match apps, there are people you wouldn’t mind matching with, and then there are people you REALLY want to match with. I seem to not be getting many of the latter, which is a bummer. Maybe I’m out of my league here. I’m getting a good bit of matches overall though…about the same as I would on Tinder, I guess. So I think I’m going to stick with it for a little while and see what happens. I hid my profile on Tinder last night because I don’t really like being on multiple sites/apps at once. I think that comes off as desperation or trying too hard or something otherwise weird.

The pressure to initiate contact doesn’t really bother me because I’m not really putting in effort to say anything particularly clever or groundbreaking to most people for the first message. “Hi” and “Hello” have sufficed so far. Everyone knows that the level of attraction is the ultimate deciding factor as to how someone perceives an initial message, so I don’t feel the need to bother.

The most significant interaction I’ve had so far is with a decently attractive attorney that I matched with around Tuesday night. It started off promising – we began immediately with substantive conversation and he communicated with well-written, complete sentences. Yet by the next morning (with no provocation on my part), he commenced with inserting strong sexual references into the conversation – starting with his random, offhand hypothesis that we’d be good in bed together – which increasingly turned me off as time went on.

A guy delving into sexual territory too soon definitely triggers a certain cringe factor, but nevertheless I ignored it at first because I otherwise did think he was cute and intelligent and so I was willing to overlook one faux pas. Yet it only got worse from there and it became clear, despite our several discussions about it and his claims to the contrary, that he was more than likely just looking for sex.

Between bouts of decent conversation, he just kept on throwing in allusions to sex that started getting irritating. He made a point of telling me how women often are surprised at how sexually confident he is, whatever that means. And all of his “compliments” were tinged with a sexual overtone that I didn’t find necessarily flattering. It wasn’t just that he thinks it’d be fun to spend a day with me, but a day “in bed.” He couldn’t just say I looked hot in the evening dress featured in one of my pictures, but that he liked how I was somewhat “spilling out” on top.

Yet when I’d call him on it for putting the cart a little bit before the horse, he replied that he doesn’t necessarily feel the need to “bifurcate” things…that I should appreciate being “lusted after” as much as I appreciate someone being attracted to my mind. Being lusted after is great and all, but with someone I don’t know and am still trying to assess to figure out how attracted I am to him, that doesn’t exactly send me into a erotic frenzy. Quite frankly, at the risk of sounding vain, I’m used to guys wanting to get into my pants, like most women are. I don’t really find it that compelling unless I’m specifically in the market for a hookup.

Even still, we managed to get as far as even exploring tentative plans for a date; I told him I’d be free the following weekend and he said he’d see because of how crazy things would get for him job-wise around the election.

The next morning, in true fashion, I did not get a good morning or something otherwise civil, but instead a “Ready for the shower?” in reference to both of us having plans to go to the gym early that morning.

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when, referring to the knee-high socks I had on as part of a Halloween costume in one picture, he exclaimed that he wanted to see about me wearing nothing but those over at his place. *Sigh*

I’d had enough at that point. And I’m not even particularly prudish so it’s not so much that his sexual comments offended me rather than I just think they were way too premature for how much our chemistry had developed thus far. As well as the fact that I had warned him several times that it was turning me off and he failed to listen. Flirtation is fine and even essential to any type of budding romance, but he was just way too over the top too soon. As “sexually confident” as he thinks he is, he was kind of coming off as a hormonal 15-year-old boy.

We had yet another conversation about our quite obviously different mindsets, yet when he asked where we go from there I was still willing to give him another chance. So I asked if he wanted to text. He replied with some lame remark about how to him texting is more “intimate” and he’d be expecting more. LOL. It was crystal clear at that point that he was just looking for a hook up and thus I just gave him a simple “Ok” and left it at that. And when I later found he had unmatched with me, I gave 0 fucks.

Life is grand!

Stuff

Well I guess I’ll have to give the aforementioned work guy a name now since he’s been very persistent to the point where it has risen to the occasion of having potential for either delight or disaster. Either/or. I’m not picky. We shall call him…Chad.

SO! Chad did end up swinging by Tuesday afternoon for a quick office visit. Looking pretty handsome, at that. He even made the secretary giggly enough to exclaim “He’s cute!” as we sidled out of my office suite to walk to another location away from prying eyes. And I’ve NEVER heard her say that about anyone (she’s a middle-aged Holy Roller type), least of all right in front of said person. So that’s noteable. He didn’t have long so all we did is shoot the breeze for a little before he had to get on with his business. Not before remarking that we should have a drink. He texted me a couple hours later that he’d just seen a girl that looked just like me, and that she was “beautiful.”

Conversation continued on Wednesday during which I was introduced to a picture of his cutie of a dog. The secretary brought him up out of the blue to rave about how cute he is once again, which I relayed to him. He joked that he would come to see her any time. That was right before 2 in the afternoon. That evening I went home and ended up crashing early – some time in the 7 o’clock hour. I woke up around 9:30 p.m. and was taking a couple of minutes to get my bearings when my phone rang. It was Chad. He wanted to see what I was up to. We talked for maybe 10 minutes but I honestly don’t remember much of the conversation because I was half asleep still.

Thursday, we didn’t talk until the evening when I was out for happy hour with some coworkers. Chad was working but had taken a break to hit a sushi spot with some other colleagues for dinner. When I got around to telling him where I was, lo and behold it turned out he was but a couple of doors down. He ended up stopping in to say hey before he went back to work. He knew one of the people I was with so they exchanged some chit chat before we both moved aside to talk away from everyone else.

The most productive result of that conversation was him asking me out to breakfast the next morning, to which I agreed. He also mentioned offhandedly how it had occurred to him the night before to call me when I hadn’t answered his text message. After we had hung up then I saw that he had texted me at 8:21. He called me at 9:30. That’s barely an hour, so something about that kind of gives me pause for some reason. Is he too pressed too soon? Is he overbearing? Is he territorial? Is he over-protective? Is it me who is strange for thinking something about a simple phone call is off? I guess I’m just so used to texts these days that unannounced phone calls automatically seem “heavy” or something, so it’s probably just me.  No big deal ultimately. He calls out of the blue without abandon, even if his texts go unanswered. Which, to be honest, would weird me out more if I didn’t kind of like him, but I find it kind of charming since I do have a mild interest. Funny how that works. When he left the bar to get back to work he told me to let him know when I got home, which I did. I always find that sort of thing kind of sweet.

Yesterday morning he called me a little before 9:30. After him exclaiming how beautiful I looked the night before, we solidified plans to meet up and go on a walk together to a Panera Bread near our building. He bought us both breakfast and we brought it back to a half-hidden cubbyhole in the building to eat in private. We shared some family histories (his is a little odd, but no big deal – we’re all odd in our own ways) and tales of old mutual colleagues.

It was there that I finally got the elephant in the room out of the way –  the girlfriend he mentioned the evening we met:

– Didn’t you say you had a girlfriend?

– Yeaaaaaah, I did say that, I did…

– So, you did say that, and you DID have a girlfriend, or you still DO have a girlfriend?

– I DO have a girlfriend, but it’s not like I’ve tried to do anything to you.

He says he just enjoys my company and hanging out as friends. Riiiight. But no judgement – yet. He’s right, he has not yet tried to do anything physical like kiss me but the flirtation and compliments and eagerness is obviously romantically centered. I’m not an idiot. I’m not saying he wants to put a ring on it – his interest could lie solely in just getting in my pants, but, assuming his relationship is supposed to be monogamous, he is really pushing the boundaries of appropriateness with another woman.

Before we parted ways he gave me a tight hug and said he would like for us to actually hang out OUTSIDE of work one of these days. We texted some over the course of the rest of the day, and he called me unexpectedly again last night. Wended up talking for over an hour.

As to if or when we will actually hang out outside of work, it’s not looking too good for the near future. He’s busy this weekend and then I’m busy next weekend, so our schedules aren’t corresponding for right now. And then there’s always the question of whether I SHOULD hang out with him, with his girlfriend and all…

Anyway…Wiley and I still seem to be trucking along somehow. I ended up sending another selfie to him on Tuesday night, to which he responded with “Beauty.” I replied with a kissy emoticon because I didn’t really know what or have much else to say. At a little after 1 a.m. the next morning he sent a text saying he was in The Hamptons with his family. Random. I told him I hope he’s having a blast. I sent another text Thursday evening to which he has not responded.

I forgot to mention that on the way back from my Atlanta travels, JP came to mind. Airplane travel always tends to remind me of him since he’s a pilot. I sent a text but he has not responded. I haven’t spoken to him since right after our January rendezvous, so I guess that says it all right there. I don’t picture hearing from him ever again.

I woke up this morning to yet another blast from the past text message – Blaze. It came through close to 3 a.m., so I figured it was a drunken text. He said as much when I responded back this morning, but asked how I was and then said he was partying in New York if I happened to be there. Um, no…I’m home. “Well start driving.” Uh…no thanks. He’s engaged, I believe. Good luck to his fiancé.

Woe is Him

I went to sleep last night thinking my emotions concerning the Robbie situation were pretty much settled and that I could just be okay with it and move on. But when I woke up this morning…not so much.

I realized I was still angry. And even more than that…feeling kind of spiteful. Spiteful enough to break my word and proceed with sending the girlfriend every single last text message Robbie and I ever exchanged just so she can be crystal clear about how sneaky, deceptive, and depraved her boyfriend really was. To her and to me.

I just felt like being a vengeful bitch, really. I felt like – in case she might be (foolishly) leaning towards forgiving him and staying with him to work things out – completely obliterating any chance of that happening. And I know, even if she’s still dumb enough to give him another chance as things stand now, those texts would probably quickly put an end to any thoughts of that.

I know it and he knows it. That’s why he was practically begging me not to do that yesterday.

I decided to be nice and at least try to talk about it with him first. I texted him to warn him that I was feeling that way since it’s not especially nice to find out after investing so much effort and energy into someone that you’ve been the his fool all along. He offered a weak apology and then whined about me making him feel even worse when he’s already hurting inside and hadn’t slept well all night. Cry me a river.

Then, I guess because I didn’t answer quickly enough and he was paranoid, he called me. To ask me again to please, please, please just leave it alone and not to add more fuel to the fire. He was adamant that they are done…she told him she seriously doubts there’s any hope for them at any point in the future. He declared yesterday the worst day of his life and said he wishes he could fast forward to two months from now when he’ll be over it. Awwwwww.

A tiny, sadistic portion of me kind of savored hearing him wallow in his own misery. And admittedly, it was basically a bit of a power trip. He needs me, in a way. A week and a half ago he was kicking me to the curb like I was nothing, and now he needs me as an ally so that I don’t make him look like even more of a jackass than he already does. A week and a half ago he wanted nothing to do with me, now all of a sudden we can maybe be friends. He even alluded to some kind of possible romantic future between us if he’s “perfectly single” and over everything some months down the road.

Ha! Yeah…because you’re such a catch and I will still want you then. Doubt it. The fact of the matter is, he’s only being (somewhat) amicable with me for the moment because he’s afraid I’ll pull the trigger on sending those texts. He apologized several times for hurting me, but I know he doesn’t really mean it. He only cares because he lost his girlfriend. He’s only sorry because he got caught. I’m sure he’s hurting over his girlfriend, but I don’t for one minute thing he cares anything about my feelings. He’s sorry that I was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together and to get him caught. He’s so transparent. He’s just trying to placate me. Funny how the tables have turned. It amuses me a little to see him sitting on pins and needles now, scared that I’ll let out all his dirt.

But really, there’s very little chance that I’ll do it. It’ll only keep things going, and I really do want to move on. If she gets back with him, that’s on her. He’s already cheated on you 2 confirmed times, even going so far as to break off an engagement…how many times has he done it and NOT been caught? She even said herself that she didn’t think I was the only one. Some relationship.

He texted me a little while after our phone conversation to tell me that he’s going to work on becoming a better person. And that maybe getting caught will help him to change, so he thanks me. Right.

In other news…I attended an open bar holiday party on Wednesday night and thus got the better part of tipsy.

In my less-than-lucid state of mind, I decided to text Dusty. And to call him. He didn’t respond to either attempt, which is just as well. I sent him a text the next day to apologize and promised him he’d never hear from me again. That was Embarrassment #1.

Not satisfied with that, I then drunk dialed Blaze. Ugh. He wasn’t bothered by it, but still….Embarrassment #2.

I also managed to engage in measures that I’m sure cemented my status as an official stalker by partaking in some supremely obvious, and probably annoying, Facebook stalking of a silly crush. So mortifying. That’d be Embarrassment #3.

I apologized to Blaze the next morning, and only half-seriously asked him to bring me a Gatorade. To my surprise, he actually did it. And what do you know? He was actually at my house for the better part of an hour. Wow! We even cuddled some. I’m sure he had ulterior motives and I gave him a little bit of play, but only for old times’ sake. I’m not really trying to fall back down into that rabbit hole.