I Tried

Well apparently I jumped the gun on axing Ben. I just assumed, since he had clearly read my diatribes yesterday morning and hadn’t responded, that that would be all she wrote.  Because I certainly wasn’t going to say anything else and I figured that was his standpoint as well.

Yet in the late afternoon he finally replied: “Me too.” I prodded because I had no idea what that meant as a response to the thousands of things I said. He was referencing the statement I made about having been looking forward to our rendezvous. And added on that he had also been excited about seeing the new boobs as well.

I responded that maybe one day the timing will be right. He wrote “K” then proceeded to delve into conversation about how my healing is going. And from there we made friendly intermittent chit chat like normal. He even coaxed the conversation on at certain points, which he usually doesn’t do much of.

So, I don’t know. I get the feeling he wants to keep me around somehow.

Besides that, a few updates on some oldies, but goodies:

Blaze

I hadn’t spoken to him since the random text he had sent me last year, which I found strange given that he was engaged. But I actually ended up running into him at the beach back in August. I was at a bar alone fretting over another jackass, and I turn around and spy my good old friend, Blaze. We drank and talked and hung out together for a little while. No hard feelings; no love lost. We parted ways amicably and he got married last month and good luck to him.

Chester

We had been in contact pretty regularly over the past couple of months. I forget who initiated this round, but when we started talking again he was mourning the loss of a girl he really liked but screwed up with because apparently he had kind of overlapped her with a previous girl, and previous girl wasn’t having it. When she found out about the second chick, she got in contact with her somehow and blew his spot up. Second girl cut him off and didn’t look back and he was upset because he had been into her.

So we started off pretty wholesomely chatty at first yet at some point he started sending me selfies and various other pictures and the general tone turned more flirty. Then he eventually started his usual BS of hinting around hanging out, or wanting to hang out last minute. I just blew him off on those occasions.

But then the Saturday before last, he out right asked if I wanted to hang out with him at a town near me. He was going to meet up with a female friend and her boyfriend. I accepted and he came and got me. I can’t remember the last time I saw him…I feel like it’s not been since we originally talked. But he looked good. And he was the perfect gentleman in getting out of the car to open my door.

The friend wasn’t out yet so we stopped at one spot and had a meal and drinks on our own. Then his friend instructed him to go to another spot, so he paid and I said I’d get our drinks at the next place. The friend and her boyfriend joined us maybe 30 minutes later. She was nice and so was the boyfriend – nice to the point where, when we decided to hit another spot, the boyfriend paid the whole tab…meaning he paid for the drinks Chester and I had even when they weren’t even there yet. We implored him not to, but he insisted. And then when we were done at the next place, he claimed that they “know him” and had comped him and so we didn’t pay a cent yet again. I’ll allow it.

I had told Chester earlier in the evening that he could crash at my place if he needed to, and that’s what ended up happening. But sleeping is not all we did, of course. The next morning we got a second round in and then he drove me to McDonald’s for greasy hangover food and left.

The night before he had told me he would be back in that same town the next weekend for a wedding. I had plans for dinner with Hannah as a preliminary birthday celebration in said town as well. He said “maybe” (as in, he wanted us to) we would cross paths. But apparently he was going as a female friend’s plus 1, and I checked to make sure I wouldn’t be interrupting a date. He assured me that said female is a friend from college who lives out of state now but comes back to attend a wedding every once in a while, and he just kind of her standing wedding date on those occasions.

So we ended up meeting up out on the town last weekend. Not until about midnight, though. Hannah and I met him at the bar they were all at. I was pretty tipsy by then. I met his female friend; she was nice. Hannah’s husband came to pick her up not too long into it, so I figured I’d either just Uber back home or possibly crash with Chester. Unfortunately he was sharing a room with his friend, so that was a no-go. And I feel like we might’ve not gotten along so well somehow – I think maybe I said something drunkenly stupid about us dating or something. I can’t remember.

I eventually Ubered back home safely and woke up to a text that he sent me at 4:25 am asking if I made it home okay. He texted me a little bit later when he got home and I asked why he had been up that late/early…he didn’t seem to remember it being that early.  But that was really the extent of the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since. So I can’t decide if we got into it or not because I figured he wouldn’t have texted me. But then again I haven’t heard from him like I normally have been. I don’t care either way.

Adam

So when it came down to it and we finally got around to talking about expectations, it turned out that Adam still didn’t see us as a dating thing, but was interested in exploring other options, such as a FWB situation. I tried it; he came over a couple of times, just for kicks. But just like he told me that time that he doesn’t think about me when he gets a spare moment…I don’t fantasize about him when I get a spare moment. And thus it doesn’t interest me to maintain any sexual relationship with him at all. He DID look pretty good when I saw him for the first time after a year, though. I’m not usually a facial hair fan, but a beard on him makes him a little hotter. But still…eh.

Can’t Win With Ben

I was able to somewhat successfully wean myself off of him – at first. We had never really talked daily, but I still found myself trying to keep up contact every few days like “normal” in the days/weeks after he cut things off. Yet slowly, but surely, I managed to go longer and longer without feeling the urge to talk to him and even had a good two-week streak going…until the Monday before last, when I contacted him to gloat somewhat about an update on a newsworthy event that we had previously debated over.

Our sporadic conversation ended up continuing throughout the week and I noticed that his responses became progressively more flirty/sexual in nature toward me. He started asking for certain kinds of x-rated pictures (which he did not get…but PG-13 ones, sure) which I found AWFULLY PECULIAR given that this was the same guy who not long ago reamed me out for asking him for just a basic face selfie, all due to his fancy relationship. Hmmm…trouble in paradise? I didn’t even ask. His behavior said it all. In any case, this all culminated in us making plans to meet up again this evening.

And admittedly, I was excited. I couldn’t be sure exactly what was going on with his wonderful relationship, but I wanted to see him again and I wanted him to touch me again. But in the past few days I started sensing exactly what was going to happen. I could just feel it even though I hadn’t heard from him since Monday.

Last night I asked if we were still on and he finally responds this morning that “he thinks things are getting serious with the person he’s seeing.” Um…okay, dude.

I asked why, if things were so “serious,” he had solicited me to come over, and he said that they had “patched things up” over the past few days. Ah, so there WAS in fact trouble in paradise. Nice.

I asked him if he thought it was good idea if we just didn’t talk, and he said he didn’t mind staying friendly, but we probably shouldn’t continue as we had been. Yeah…DUH. Although I think there’s something to be said for the fact that he didn’t leap at the obvious chance I gave him to kick me out of his life completely. Maybe.

I explained that the problem is that we are going to have trouble just remaining “friendly” and that his seemingly volatile relationship status encourages temptation in him that will likely just result in me getting toyed with since I am attracted to him.

He didn’t read all of that immediately, and I didn’t say anything for a while until I took some time to think, and then finally I just told him my overall assessment of the situation: that I don’t believe they ever really broke up even once he got re-deployed here and were together even throughout the brief period we were hanging out, but obviously given the long distance capacity now the connection is starting to ebb and flow somewhat (hence this “push and pull” pattern with me). I added on that I’m going to give him some breathing room. I had it phrased initially as I’m not going to contact him again, but I didn’t want it to sound so final, or like I’m angry. Because I’m not, and I made sure to emphasize that.

He’s never really been dishonest, but more so vague and has omitted certain truths. I guess all in the interest of not appearing to be a scumbag. The fact is, he was ultimately cheating on his girlfriend with me. I don’t believe for one second that they ever broke up. I KNOW they didn’t because I saw the evidence with my own eyes. I could see him perhaps maintaining the single facade when he wanted to bang me those few times, but why bother lying once we were well over with the whole “we broke up and got back together” spiel? It’s almost as if he cares about my perception somewhat, for whatever reason.

In any case, as I said to him, I just don’t want to be subject to being yanked back and forth when he is having relationship rough patches.

What I didn’t say, but what is certainly true, is that the bottom line is that I’m just immensely attracted to him and it’s hard for me to just be “friendly” with him. And even continuing to talk to him these past few weeks has just been me, in essence, kind of “poking the bear,” because I knew one of these days he might crack for whatever reason like he did last week. I was actually hoping he would. And he did briefly, but only just to push me away once again. *Sigh*

I left him with thoughts on how I had been looking forward to seeing and banging him, but I understand his situation. So if he ever wants to hang out for REAL, he can let me know.

And now I’m quitting Ben – cold turkey.

Lonely on Purpose

In case there is a misconception that I spend the majority of my time pining over men who do not want me, that is actually not the case. While that does encompass a minuscule portion of my day-to-day activities, I actually spend quite a bit of time running from men who do want me. Ben, while he was the apple of my eye momentarily, is not the only man I’ve been out with in recent weeks. I’m just not really that good at dating, in case it’s not apparent.

Firstly, there is Ross, who is a firefighter that I happened to meet at a happy hour…I don’t remember when. Maybe around the last week of August. He came in and sat beside me (I was alone) and then a male friend eventually joined him. I thought he was kind of cute and initiated conversation flirtatiously just for something to do. Well we ended up talking and sharing oysters and then the next thing I know he was asking me out and we exchanged numbers and he walked me to my car like a gentleman. Aww.

Then there is Martin, who is an Air Force guy I matched with on Bumble on September 3, which is coincidentally the same day that I originally swore off talking to Ben. We got to talking extensively the next day, which was Labor Day. I had to work but had nothing to do since neither my boss or anyone else was here anyway, so I spent most of my work day catching up on episodes of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days and texting with him. He didn’t have to work, so we talked quite extensively and by the end of my work day we had plans for a date the next night.

I met him in his nearby town that evening and we had a lovely sushi dinner together. He’s tall and pretty cute, but maybe a little lankier than I really prefer. But still, I had a good time and enjoyed talking to him. He eventually asked me out again for that Friday, I think, but I had already made plans with Ross for happy hour so I declined.

So here is where I did something kind of jacked up. On that Friday I met Ross out. I got there before him and he was running late, so I had already eaten and had a couple of drinks before he came. We proceeded to get pretty inebriated via many shots and for some reason (well…probably because I was drunk), I started texting Martin about how hammered I was and he asked if I needed a ride and I said yes. He asked where I was and I told him and he showed up. With Ross there.

I have no idea how I introduced them to each other. But in any case, I ended up leaving with Martin. But not before Ross paid the whole tab, including the portion that was really just my own before he showed up. Aww.

Martin took me back to his house, which he shares with roommates. But his portion is a huge basement bedroom that has a bed and a couch. We attempted to watch a movie but I passed out. I woke up at a dawn only slightly confused before I remembered where I was. I went to pee and then I decided to join him in bed where we kind of cuddled and made out very PG-like, but that was the extent of that.

He kept talking about some brunch date he had to get to later that morning, so it was a time-sensitive matter in him taking me back to my car. It turned out the brunch was with his ex-wife (they were married for less than a year and divorced earlier this year). I thought it was kind of strange that they’d be having brunch together – what for? – but whatever.

He had given me a t-shirt to wear and he let me keep it so I took it with me when we left. On the drive back to my car he remarked on how he’s had problems with depression and made a “joke” about how he’s off his meds now because they had made him “more” suicidal. Ha ha, super funny!

We had intermittent conversation for the rest of the day after I got home, but either that day or the next he sent me some message about “not knowing what he wants” right now and it sounded like pretty much he was blowing me off so I left it at that. It seemed to me like he might still be into his ex-wife or something, Nothing else was said or heard.

UNTIL September 7, when I ventured out to his town to take my old boobs out for one last spin before my surgery that Friday. I’d had a lot of good times with those girls and wanted them to go out in style. But being in Martin’s town made me think of him so I decided to text and say hello. He responded and was pleasant back, but nothing about the conversation sounded particularly inviting or anything, so I left it at that.

But then that Monday he started texting me about how my night out was and we got to talking and he eventually asked me if I wanted to meet that week. I asked if he was sure he had the right person, because the last thing I remembered was him not knowing what he wants. So I asked if this was just a matter of him wanting to get in my pants or something.

Martin.jpg

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what kind of dialogue he was looking for when you tell a woman who was just in your bed that morning, and coincidentally after brunch with your ex-wife, that you “don’t know what you want.” We made plans once and I blew him off and then again and I blew him off again because I just wasn’t into it.

But whatever, he seems nice enough and has seemed very caring and compassionate about keeping up with how I’m feeling after my surgery. He asked me over last night for “taco and horror movie” night with him and one of his roommates, but I just wanted to rest for work today after being off for so lone, so I declined. I may go out with him again, I may not.

After acting like a total ass with Ross, inviting Martin to the party and all, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. That next morning, I guess we had made some drunken brunch plans but I was a little hung-over so that was a definite no-go and I didn’t really respond. I thought that was that.

But then eventually he started texting me again. I told him I was ignorant for that night and he agreed and I apologized, and somehow he is still interested in me for whatever reason. He asked me out for a drink last night but I declined. Then he called me but I didn’t feel like talking so I ignored it. He texted to say he had just wanted to catch up and then told me to have a good night.

But THEN he sent me this diatribe:

Ross.jpg

So the lesson here is, when you treat men like crap, they just can’t get enough of you. Also, I am lonely on purpose, not because I have to be.