And There Goes That

Well we can certainly go ahead and call the Adam situation at this point: it’s going to be a gigantic bust. A Category 5 disaster, really. As of around 7:30 this evening, to be exact. Fitting that I wrote about him just a week ago in the spirit of cautious optimism and now here I am 7 days later. Oh, the circle of life!

In the last week, contact had remained sporadic and evolved into pretty much me being the sole initiator eventually. That did make me a feel a certain type of way, but in the spirit of trying to be “understanding” to his hectic life and NOT to seem clingy or unable to deal, I didn’t press matters. I knew he had finals coming up next week so I resolved to suck it up and hold off on pressuring him in any way to see if things change after then.

We talked very little Monday. Not at all Tuesday. I sent him just an emoji last night which he never responded to.

Until tonight.

My friend Manny had invited me to join him out after work for happy hour at a wine bar where I met up with him and partook in a couple of glasses of wine. My phone battery was low so I gave it to the bartender to charge behind the bar for about 40 minutes or so. When I got it back, I had a text from Adam that had come through about 30 minutes before: “Hi [Lousy Minx]”

I could tell just by the random formality of it, with him saying my name and all, what was coming.

Cue a litany of proverbial kicks to the gut: He’s just not that into it. His mind just doesn’t turn to me when he has a spare moment [and actually, that is one of the most hurtful, but patently articulate explanations of plainly not being into someone that I have ever heard; it illustrates lack of interest very plainly]. He’s not seeing us becoming much.

Wow. Okay. I was pretty stunned just with the suddenness with which it all came, but I couldn’t really say I was 100% surprised. The spare moment remark hit the nail on the head and it’s something I’ve always known in a general sense – no one is ever THAT busy that they don’t have time to reach out to someone throughout the day if they’re into that person. Modern technology has rendered that virtually impossible. I wasn’t hearing from him because he wasn’t thinking about me. That’s it. Again, super hurtful to hear, but true.

That was all pretty bad, yet it was still generally stuff I can take in stride although I might not like hearing it. But when he remarked that our lack of doing anything together made his interest wane, I got kind of ticked off.

We hadn’t done anything together lately  because he said he was too busy to, but then he blames us not doing anything together for his interest dissipating? That doesn’t make any sense and though I didn’t really like anything about his diatribe, I liked that part the least of all.

So at that point I said a few choice things about the timing of this…after he gets in my pants, of course. He didn’t like me “making it seem like there’s malice on his part” and took me as starting to insult him, so said he was done here. He said that this is why guys don’t want to broach the subject in the first place and just “fade away.”

Yeah, that’s probably true. People tend to want to avoid confrontation, but it’s not like you are excused from someone else’s feedback about the bad news you’re telling them just because you are being an honest (i.e. decent) person. Communication is a two-way process. Thanks for stepping up, but no, I’m not going to be happy either way. It’s just easier for me to swallow when I “know” as opposed to not knowing so earnestness is always appreciated.

When he got tired of me “painting him as a villain for being honest” he decided he was definitely done. At that point, having had the mood with Manny soured and wanting to get the hell out of dodge, I left the bar and walked to my car where I decided to try to call Adam to have an actual conversation. My intent was honestly to try to sort things out with actual verbal communication as we had become kind of heated with each other obviously and I wanted to try to backtrack a little. Two things were for sure: I’m PMSing and was slightly buzzed. So I’m a little more sensitive and emotional than normal and it’s not translating well through text.

Well that didn’t turn out to be a good idea because he refused to answer and so it just made me more pissed and I asked him to answer through text and called him several more times hoping he would do so. And I got a  little ignorant through text when he wouldn’t with childish insults about his bedroom skills and how he isn’t as big as he thinks he is – bratty tantrum behavior. Of course none of it got me anywhere besides him eventually blocking my number. And on Facebook, though I hadn’t tried through there. I just figured that was the next logical step so I checked and was right on the money.

I get it…I acted out. I can handle being kicked to the curb but sometimes I just need to vent and I don’t take being ignored that well and act like a semi-crazy bitch for a little bit. It tends to be more about getting ANY kind of reaction when I am being blatantly ignored. Maybe I am crazy…I don’t know.

So there goes that. Down in flames, per the norm. I couldn’t even contact him now if I wanted to, so I’m actually kind of glad he blocked me because there’s no point in me even being tempted to try in the future. After taking a few minutes to let my emotions settle, I did resort to my last option: Bumble. We’re still matched on there. I sent him a few choice messages to somewhat apologize and somewhat try to explain my mindset. It won’t help matters at all but I just wanted to say what I wanted to say.

We’re still matched as of now so I can only assume he hasn’t gotten them for some reason; otherwise I don’t know why he hasn’t blocked me there too. Maybe he ended up throwing his phone out of a window or setting it on fire to be rid of me.

I’m not really sure how I feel about this all yet. Generally okay. I was hopeful about Adam and it always sucks to be the rejectee, but I haven’t cried or anything and don’t really  feel like feeling that sorry for myself about it. It is what it is. I already know where we went wrong: it was my whole vacation week where sex somehow became the primary focus of everything. It veered us off the promising path we had been on and it happened too soon and we had nowhere to go from there.

I don’t really think there are specific rules about sex. I’ve had guys I’ve slept with pretty quickly both be into me and not be into me. Every situation is different. But Adam did make a good point when I hinted at feeling used. He said that one of the detriments of sleeping with a guy too early is that you really don’t know at that point if you two REALLY have a shot of making it at that point either way.  The meaning being that the sex can’t necessarily be said to be a source of causation of the implosion – you just might not have made it anyway. So I can’t really say if he used me or not…maybe it was just not mean to be. I thought that was actually kind of profound.

And in thinking about other aspects of an early sex entrance into things, another hindrance to that whole course of action is that sex has a tendency to cloud how you may actually feel about someone. There are chemicals released during sex whose functions in part are literally to make you feel closer to your partner, for evolutionary “continuance of the human race” reasons and all that good stuff. To that end, it just naturally feels extra jacked up when someone gives you the heave ho after you’ve slept with him.

It’s hard to predict after a mere two weeks whether something has a shot. I guess my problem is  that I tend to rely on what I feel is quality of a connection vs. quantity of a connection. In other words, the amount of time I’ve known someone doesn’t feel as important as how often we are speaking during that time and how much of a vibe we seem to have. At the end of the day, I think I am good at “acting” extroverted out of necessity, but am actually an introvert. I’m a loner by nature and generally feel like I have a harder time feeling the need to want to be connected to begin with and then on top of that feeling an interest in a particular person. So when someone inspires me like that in any way, it tends to feel significant.

So here I am, still single. I think I’m going to take some time to reflect and lose 10 pounds or something.

 

Too Early to Call

Well it seems that the former Bachelor #4 requires a certified alias at this point, so we will henceforth refer to him as Adam.

As we left off 3 weeks ago, Adam and I had seemed to spark somewhat of an instant connection, as evidenced by the volley of textual banter that took place on a daily basis throughout that week, complete with an effortless 90-minute phone conversation that occurred very early on. Eventually we scheduled a date for that Friday  which entailed him picking me up at my door at 6 p.m. for a meal at a Mexican restaurant nearby.

That Thursday he made a random request for a picture of my cat to use as part of some type of pet collage he was making for his new desk at work. I thought that was kind of flattering (even if slightly weird)…surely he would not bother asking for a picture of my cat to use as part of something that he would be laying eyes on regularly unless he anticipated me sticking around for a while, right?

I was antsy throughout my work day on Friday – excited, yet anxious, about both my date with Adam and my trip to Punta Cana the next morning. My flight out was very early – 6:30 to be exact, necessitating an airport appearance by 4:30 at the latest – so I was cutting it close by seeing Adam so late into the evening. But I already knew I wouldn’t be sleeping super soundly that night due to trip jitters anyway so I was willing to take that risk.

Of course, as luck would have it, Adam ended up getting caught up in something at work on Friday; he gave me a heads up in the afternoon that it might end up keeping him over, but that he would keep me posted. Ugh. I knew it was legit and couldn’t be helped, but I still felt minor pangs of disappointment in thinking that we would possibly end up not being able to meet up.

I went home that evening and made sure to finish the bulk of my packing, hoping for the best, but as his sporadic updates progressed it became clear that we wouldn’t be making 6 p.m. And then not even 8 p.m. The restaurant in question closed at 10 p.m. so there went that idea once it was past 8 and he still did not seem any closer to being able to leave.

As the night went on, any rest I had hoped to get turned out to be a lost cause, as I maintained a perpetual “in wait” alertness level and thus was unable to fully relax. Once 10 p.m. hit and we were still no closer to our date, I decided to hit the local bar for a couple of drinks to calm my nerves and have something to do since it was past the point of no return in terms of attempting to get any substantial rest. By that point Adam and I had established that we definitely wanted to meet up that night, no matter what time he got out. Even if it was in the early morning, there was always a casino or 2 in the vicinity that we could hit for a few drinks. I just really, really wanted to meet him in person to solidify this thing that was forming, and knew it was important to do so before leaving for Punta Cana. He did too.

So that’s just what we did. He ended up not getting off until almost 2 in the morning. I was back home by that time, all packed up and ready to go. He arrived my door looking every bit as cute as I had imagined. Bonus points were awarded for how interactive he was with my cat – most men don’t like cats so it was refreshing to see that he seemed to enjoy petting her. And likewise. He grabbed my suitcase and put it in his truck, as it was clear that he’d have to end up dropping me off at the airport (saved me an Uber fare!) and off to the casino we went.

To be honest, I was a little buzzed from the drinks I had earlier in the night. We had a couple of rounds together and talked, and I generally found it to be enjoyable, but some of the detail and nuance escapes me. I just know that he was cute, he didn’t seem weird, and we vibed well. He even ended up inadvertently meeting my roommate and a couple of other friends after those drunkards showed up to the casino to drink after the bars closed down. Gotta love a casino for 24/7 liquor availability.

Maybe shortly before 4 a.m., we parted ways with the casino to make our way to the airport. When we pulled up to the terminal, we started with a hug goodbye, but then I decided I wanted to kiss him, so I did. He was very receptive, so what started as a goodbye kiss turned into a makeout session, from which we only took a brief hiatus so that he could drive away from the crowded terminal lane to a desolate parking lot.

There, we continued making out for maybe 10 minutes or so, maintaining a pretty PG-13ish level of contact. He affectionately grabbed my neck some, I sucked on his fingers a little, but we kept it pretty civil. He’s a great kisser though and he tasted good and it was hard to pull myself away, but alas, I had a flight to catch. So eventually, when we were able to settle ourselves down, he rode me back around to the terminal, grabbed my suitcase out of his truck for me, and we hugged and kissed goodbye for real.

I knew it was a good sign when he texted me about 40 minutes later to let me know he’d gotten home okay, and then about how he was glad we had gotten to meet up. Some time over the night we had decided that the following Sunday, right after I got back, we’d go out for our first “real date,” and he reiterated that point and then exclaimed that I’m “super hot” and I can feel free to send him gratuitous bikini shots from the trip, of course.

I started texting him several hours later during a brief layover to say that he was worth staying up for, even if the bags under my eyes say otherwise. He concurred. And from there, and over the course of the week of my vacation, our conversations progressed into considerably more salacious, raunchy, sexual territory of epic proportions. Partly because I was turned on from our makeout session, partly because of liquor, and partly because it was pretty much established from the way he took control and grabbed me during our airport rendezvous that we have many of the same sexual tastes. So the flood gates pretty much opened progressively over the week verbally and visually and we all but established that our second date the Sunday coming would involve sex.

Which I didn’t quite know how to feel about, when I took time to think about it, having had things kind of go down a road very quickly that I was hoping to work up to more slowly. You know, so he can “respect” me and all…but whatever. We definitely did a complete 180 in that over the week before he met, there was a moment where I was being especially encouraging about an exam he was nervous about and he said I was like his personal cheerleader. I innocuously retorted that I could even wear the outfit if he wanted me too, and he said I cannot say things like that because that gives him visuals that might cause him to unintentionally go down a certain road. So I took that to mean that he was actually specifically NOT trying to say anything that would make him come off as a sleaze-ball, and it was kind of endearing.

And then there we were a week later, exchanging naughty pictures. Oh well. Sometimes it beez like that.

Even still, I was kind of on edge about him the whole week because I realized I kind of liked him and was maybe feeling a little self-conscious about the extreme sexual tangent we had diverged onto and whether or not he actually wanted to see me again because he liked me or just because he wanted to have sex with me. I couldn’t really tell.

In any case, I got in late Saturday night. We had talked somewhat throughout my travels over the day and our date was still on, so I was excited.The one minor hitch was that he forgot he was working some overtime that day, so it’d have to be later in the evening, like 9 p.m. Again, cutting it close considering I knew I’d be exhausted from the trip still and had work Monday morning, but I sucked it up.

On Sunday morning, he texted me a “disclaimer” about how he’s feeling slightly sick, and I felt like he was possibly laying a foundation for him to eventually back out of our date, but he eventually reconfirmed that the date was definitely still on, but that he just wanted to warn me that I might get sick. I wasn’t worried.

He got to my house shortly before 9 p.m. and off we went to a steakhouse a little ways up the street where we dined on salmon and wine (me) and cuban pork and beer (him) and talked. I was able to get a better read on him this time in a more sober capacity and I still found him physically appealing, a good conversationalist, intelligent, and alluring, even if maybe just slightly different from the way I remembered him from our first date. He’s really, really smart – probably smarter than me, which I like. He regaled me with his thoughts on the concept of “reverse natural selection,” which I had never thought about before and found especially interesting to ponder.

It was at dinner that I presented him with a small present I’d gotten him from Punta Cana for his desk – a wooden cat carving. He seemed to like it. He even made a few playful cat meow noises which were kind of adorable.

Dinner wasn’t that extensive. I thought the restaurant closed at 11 but it turns out it actually closed at 10, so with us walking in a little after 9, we ended up inadvertently being “those people” and I felt a little bad. I wouldn’t have gone there if I knew they closed at 10.

Afterwards, we drove back to my house and went up to my room. I turned on the TV and attempted to put on one of those 24/7 music channels, but it was terribly bright and the first one I settled on was playing Dionne Warwick or something else horrendous that was not terribly mood setting, so I tuned back to the normal Discovery ID programming because people like us like having sex to the background sounds of murder and serial killers anyway, and sex ensued.

It was decent. Nothing mind-blowing, but definitely a good starting off point. He is huge, which he is very proud of, but of course, it’s not just about the size of the boat…I think he might be somewhat of a more self-centered lover though, so if this continues I will have to monitor that.

He had already mentioned beforehand that he wouldn’t be able to stay over due to work early in the morning, but he did lie around for a little while after we finished. Before he left, we hugged several times goodbye and he said we’d talk soon. And thus commenced the “Will he or won’t he” game.

He did. I fell asleep not long after he left, but woke up pleasantly surprised to see he had written to me later in the night to tell me how hot that was. He was disappointed that he didn’t get me off and expressed his resolve to “work on that.”

So things seemed to be on track, at least to start the week off. He remained fairly communicative and responsive, but then as the middle of the week approached, I started to feel like he wasn’t as talkative or responsive and may have been kind of blowing me off somewhat. I was especially put off on Wednesday morning when I sent him a picture of me in a bra and received what I’d classify as a very lackluster response. Ooookay then. I was kind of in a mood and already feeling kind of like it was inevitable that this would crash and burn anyway (because they all do), so I bit the bullet and told him my thoughts on his response and then remarked that his interest seemed to be waning, but that’s okay. He responded with an excuse about a task he was performing at work that limited his phone-handling capabilities. I waited until the end of my workday to answer: “Cool.” He never said anything back.

I was intent on just letting things fall by the wayside and not speaking to him unless he initiated, but on Thursday, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, I sent him some holiday cheer. Only to receive no response after more than several hours. Really, dude? He responded back eventually (not long after I sent a snippy “Or not…”) to explain that he was at his parents’ house and doesn’t get any reception there…he only started receiving texts after he left.

I remarked that I felt like he hasn’t been as communicative lately and asked if I should stop texting him. And, I’ll give it to him, he did step up a little. He said he’d been rather busy lately with work, school, his moving endeavors, and the holiday, and so has been a bit distracted, but that he did feel it might be good for us to talk about what we’re both looking for here.

Uh oh. I just knew what was coming: this would be the part when he’d let me know he’s not looking for anything substantial and we could probably hang out and bang from time to time and that’d be it. Par for the course. Oh well – better to get it out of the way at least.

I responded that I assumed it’d be a “hang out and see what happens” sort of scenario and then stood by and waited for the inevitable excuse as to why that doesn’t suit him or how he’s not looking for a relationship and I’m a great girl but blah, blah, blah. Imagine my surprise when he said he was cool with that. At that point, I was hashing out another response about how I think the scenario I’m envisioning was historically called “dating”…somewhat of a midpoint between just having sex and declaring undying love for each other. Yet again, he actually redeemed himself – he said he thinks we can manage that, but he just wants me to bear in mind that things are a little nutty for him right now.

Okay…I can work with that.

So, at this point, I like him. He seems to be in it for more than just sex, so that’s always a positive. I don’t have any lofty expectations at this point other than getting to know him.

Yet, for now, his life is still pretty hectic and it doesn’t look like we are going to be able to see each other for the next couple of weeks at least.

We talked some over the weekend, but then contact became rather scant to nonexistent from Sunday up until yesterday. We didn’t talk at all on Tuesday. We had tentatively discussed hanging out this upcoming weekend previously, so after my self-imposed hiatus from contacting him on Tuesday, I hit him up yesterday morning to ask if we were still on for this weekend or not.

The answer was an unfortunate no. Between work and school he has too much to do and is behind on a lot of things. And apparently the following weekend isn’t looking that great either because of finals.

Right.

Call me cynical, but I’ve been in the game long enough to know that when a man claims he’s too busy to see you, that often means he’s just not that into you. And I’m not in the mood these days for the old tried and true smoke and mirror game or sitting around trying to interpret what people are REALLY trying to say when they say things, so I just said right out that this is striking me as one of those things where maybe he’s gently trying to blow me off, so perhaps I should take a hint.

He said that he actually isn’t. That he is just genuinely swamped right now – that’s just his life at the moment. I told him, fine, that I’d take him at his word and not read too much into things. I followed up that it’d be nice to see him again when things calm down.

He agreed (I’m assuming with the sentiment about seeing each other again), but said that he doesn’t expect me to “stick around” just for him…that it’s not uncommon for women to get fed up with his schedule. I retorted that I am in fact “sticking around” because I’d like to hang out with him and get to know him, but that sometimes it’s difficult to ascertain whether someone’s claims of being busy are authentic or a way of saying “thanks, but no thanks.” He assured me that if that were the case, he’d simply say “thanks, but no thanks.”

I believe him. He seems pretty genuine. He’s been pretty transparent so far, with the instant Facebook add and what not. I figure that’s a good barometer to use if I ever have doubts about his interest in me, because I’m sure he’d delete me there right away and thus that’d be a good indicator of where things are headed.

What I am trying to be very careful of, given that he’s already warned me that he is busy, is seeming too clingy too soon or like I am demanding too much of his attention as he tries to settle things down. He is pretty much at the tail end of moving, so that will be off his plate in the near future, as well as school, as he finishes up his classes for the semester and I assume will not be starting anymore until the spring. So I’m trying to maintain patience and understanding for the moment.

But so far I guess it’s too early to call. I haven’t really been on Bumble again since we started talking, so there’s really no one else on the menu at the moment (besides Scout of course). So if this doesn’t work out, I’ll just be back where I always am: perpetually single. No big deal.