Lonely on Purpose

In case there is a misconception that I spend the majority of my time pining over men who do not want me, that is actually not the case. While that does encompass a minuscule portion of my day-to-day activities, I actually spend quite a bit of time running from men who do want me. Ben, while he was the apple of my eye momentarily, is not the only man I’ve been out with in recent weeks. I’m just not really that good at dating, in case it’s not apparent.

Firstly, there is Ross, who is a firefighter that I happened to meet at a happy hour…I don’t remember when. Maybe around the last week of August. He came in and sat beside me (I was alone) and then a male friend eventually joined him. I thought he was kind of cute and initiated conversation flirtatiously just for something to do. Well we ended up talking and sharing oysters and then the next thing I know he was asking me out and we exchanged numbers and he walked me to my car like a gentleman. Aww.

Then there is Martin, who is an Air Force guy I matched with on Bumble on September 3, which is coincidentally the same day that I originally swore off talking to Ben. We got to talking extensively the next day, which was Labor Day. I had to work but had nothing to do since neither my boss or anyone else was here anyway, so I spent most of my work day catching up on episodes of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days and texting with him. He didn’t have to work, so we talked quite extensively and by the end of my work day we had plans for a date the next night.

I met him in his nearby town that evening and we had a lovely sushi dinner together. He’s tall and pretty cute, but maybe a little lankier than I really prefer. But still, I had a good time and enjoyed talking to him. He eventually asked me out again for that Friday, I think, but I had already made plans with Ross for happy hour so I declined.

So here is where I did something kind of jacked up. On that Friday I met Ross out. I got there before him and he was running late, so I had already eaten and had a couple of drinks before he came. We proceeded to get pretty inebriated via many shots and for some reason (well…probably because I was drunk), I started texting Martin about how hammered I was and he asked if I needed a ride and I said yes. He asked where I was and I told him and he showed up. With Ross there.

I have no idea how I introduced them to each other. But in any case, I ended up leaving with Martin. But not before Ross paid the whole tab, including the portion that was really just my own before he showed up. Aww.

Martin took me back to his house, which he shares with roommates. But his portion is a huge basement bedroom that has a bed and a couch. We attempted to watch a movie but I passed out. I woke up at a dawn only slightly confused before I remembered where I was. I went to pee and then I decided to join him in bed where we kind of cuddled and made out very PG-like, but that was the extent of that.

He kept talking about some brunch date he had to get to later that morning, so it was a time-sensitive matter in him taking me back to my car. It turned out the brunch was with his ex-wife (they were married for less than a year and divorced earlier this year). I thought it was kind of strange that they’d be having brunch together – what for? – but whatever.

He had given me a t-shirt to wear and he let me keep it so I took it with me when we left. On the drive back to my car he remarked on how he’s had problems with depression and made a “joke” about how he’s off his meds now because they had made him “more” suicidal. Ha ha, super funny!

We had intermittent conversation for the rest of the day after I got home, but either that day or the next he sent me some message about “not knowing what he wants” right now and it sounded like pretty much he was blowing me off so I left it at that. It seemed to me like he might still be into his ex-wife or something, Nothing else was said or heard.

UNTIL September 7, when I ventured out to his town to take my old boobs out for one last spin before my surgery that Friday. I’d had a lot of good times with those girls and wanted them to go out in style. But being in Martin’s town made me think of him so I decided to text and say hello. He responded and was pleasant back, but nothing about the conversation sounded particularly inviting or anything, so I left it at that.

But then that Monday he started texting me about how my night out was and we got to talking and he eventually asked me if I wanted to meet that week. I asked if he was sure he had the right person, because the last thing I remembered was him not knowing what he wants. So I asked if this was just a matter of him wanting to get in my pants or something.


I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what kind of dialogue he was looking for when you tell a woman who was just in your bed that morning, and coincidentally after brunch with your ex-wife, that you “don’t know what you want.” We made plans once and I blew him off and then again and I blew him off again because I just wasn’t into it.

But whatever, he seems nice enough and has seemed very caring and compassionate about keeping up with how I’m feeling after my surgery. He asked me over last night for “taco and horror movie” night with him and one of his roommates, but I just wanted to rest for work today after being off for so lone, so I declined. I may go out with him again, I may not.

After acting like a total ass with Ross, inviting Martin to the party and all, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. That next morning, I guess we had made some drunken brunch plans but I was a little hung-over so that was a definite no-go and I didn’t really respond. I thought that was that.

But then eventually he started texting me again. I told him I was ignorant for that night and he agreed and I apologized, and somehow he is still interested in me for whatever reason. He asked me out for a drink last night but I declined. Then he called me but I didn’t feel like talking so I ignored it. He texted to say he had just wanted to catch up and then told me to have a good night.

But THEN he sent me this diatribe:


So the lesson here is, when you treat men like crap, they just can’t get enough of you. Also, I am lonely on purpose, not because I have to be.

Japan – Day 3

So where we last left off, I had just come back from my impromptu late night jaunt with a complete stranger while Reed slept peacefully and probably never even knew I was gone. It was approaching daylight by the time I was back and I wasn’t tired so I figured I’d just get ready for the day so the bathroom would be free for him whenever he woke up.

When he did, I think I mentioned that I went out for a little bit but I don’t recall telling him the extent of my adventure.

Our plans for the day were to first get some breakfast and then to take a tour of some old castle he wanted to go to before we left Osaka.

We went downstairs to in the hotel to eat and while things were quiet I tried to make a joke of the night before, how we were really drunk and wandering around trying to find the restaurant that we never did. It was supposed to be in a “ha ha, wasn’t that hilarious?” kind of way. He completely failed to acknowledge me when I said it though, and it was in such a way that I knew that he was pointedly ignoring me. So I said it again.


Oh, good Lord.

No, Reed, I explained, I was not making fun of you…we were both drunk and had no idea where we were. I just thought it was funny. That’s all. Excuse me for breathing.

The rest of the breakfast was eaten in pretty much an awkward silence akin to the walk to the bar the day before.

When we were done eating we went to check out and to have the front desk hold our bags until we got back from the castle.

I truly forget if we had to take a train one stop or two, or if it was walking distance, but we got there successfully and by the time we were on the path in, he had apologized for being a dick at breakfast. But it was already becoming apparent by these sensitive outbursts of his that something was seriously awry here.

Anyway, pics from the castle…

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What’s a castle without a moat?

It was pretty much like a museum inside, with cool artifacts and what not.

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Osaka Castle history, for anyone interested.
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Mr. Sensitive

We stopped at a restaurant to have lunch afterward and then when we were done we retrieved our bags from the hotel and got back to the bullet train for the 2 or 3 hour or whatever it was journey back to Tokyo. I fell asleep for most of it.

We got back to his house without incident and he fixed us a frozen pizza for dinner. We were both beat and he had to work the next day, so sleep came pretty easily for both of us.

And thus concludes Day 3.

Always a Bridesmaid

Ben did eventually answer my messages, but none that were specifically pertaining to our “date” for that next week. So I knew he was being evasive on purpose and that I wasn’t going to see him again. It wasn’t until Sunday that he finally faced it straight on and told me that he had “kinda met a chick” and he thinks they “are gonna be an item.”

Yikes. Well there goes that. I told him I guess it’s for the best because I was starting to like him even though I didn’t mean to.

Only, I knew he was lying. I didn’t believe for one second that there was anyone new. WHO there was was that girl from before he moved here that I had a feeling he was still with. And what I really felt like was that he was starting to actually like me and so was cutting it off in order to try to maintain some semblance of faithfulness to whatever arrangement they had. But I didn’t say any of that – I just told him to take care of himself. Because my plan had been to exit stage left at that point.

It hurt, and it sucked, but I knew she was in the picture before going into it, so I didn’t feel like I had been duped or anything. I just figured I’d just have to wean myself off of him and leave it at that.

I was successful up until this past Tuesday when I decided to update him on my boob job results. I got one exactly a week ago and since I had started talking to him around the time this adventure started solidifying itself as something I wanted to do and had talked to him about it some, I just somehow associate him with it now in my head. And maybe I just wanted an excuse to talk to him.

So I opened up conversation with an update about my first post-op follow-up and he replied and asked how I was feeling and all that good jazz. I didn’t really see a reason why he wouldn’t answer but I was still happy that he did.

Then, since we were completely not on the subject at all, I decided to let him know that I knew he had fibbed a little bit the week before. He asked how so and I told him that I know that there was no one “new.”

He explained that he had a girlfriend that he had broken up with right before he moved this way, but they kept in contact the whole time and then recently decided to get back together. Hmmm. I left that one alone but I think it’s still only a half-truth. I don’t think they ever broke up. He moved here in June. That FB picture of them hugged up on his apartment roof was from late July. She wrote him that mushy-gushy birthday card in early September. When the fuck in there was there ever room for a break up? If that was supposed to be a break up, then I would have to officially declare it the worst break up in the history of break ups because it doesn’t really seem like they ever really made any attempts to actually separate their feelings from one another.

But anyway…I let that one go. He’s telling me as much of the truth as he can muster, and I can accept that. What was kind of cute, I guess, was that he apologized for being distant when we hung out. I told him it was fine, because I knew why.

We continued talking throughout some of that day, but only because I had weaned myself off my Percocet the day before and so my surgeon cleared me for alcohol and thus I decided to partake.

Later that evening I made the mistake of asking him for a selfie of that cute face and he pretty much reamed me out because he is “seeing someone” and “can’t just send me selfies.” He was right, that was inappropriate of me and I apologized. And I told him I wouldn’t talk to him again.

Maybe it goes to show that he either felt bad and/or doesn’t exactly want to NOT talk to me anymore, because he replied to that by turning it into a joke about how next I’ll be asking him for dick pics (I never have) and he added a kissy face emoji, so I guess he felt bad and was trying to be nice.

I talked to him some yesterday, but mostly stupid shit about Netflix. I will have to move on with my life for now because it will in fact be difficult for me to interact with someone I’ve been intimate with and am attracted to without trying to cross lines that shouldn’t be crossed if he is with his stupid girlfriend.

This, in my mind, begs some questions though. Like, if they are so serious, then why did she not move with him? Like, bitch, if you’re not committed enough to move with him, then step the fuck off and let him be free to see whoever. That’s just selfish.

And then also…why does this bother me so much when I only hung out with him 3 times? Ugh.

I did make it very clear to him that I am still open to him if they don’t work out. All I can hope is that this is just one of those things that is having problems extinguishing because he just moved and is lonely and she’s been something familiar for him to still hang on to until he gets his bearings here. What I’m not going to do is chase him or pine openly for his attention. If it’s meant to be, he will be back.

And if not, well at least my boobs are even huger now. I have that going for me at least.