Famine

There’s still been no sex in the champagne room. Tomorrow will put me at 7 months on the dot. Wow. It’s like being pregnant, only once the 9 months are up I get no pretty baby or child support to look forward to.

Strangely enough, sometimes I find myself actually wanting a baby. That’s one of the last things I need right now, but I guess I’m starting to hear my biological clock ticking away.

I’m a year older now…28. Blah. In my mind, I’m 25 though. For my birthday, one of my coworkers/good friends, Derek, took me to lunch and the movies. We saw Paranormal Activity 2. I didn’t sleep with the light on like I did after I saw the first one, so that’s what I call progress. Really, it just wasn’t as scary.  After that I just relaxed at home to myself with a bottle of wine. If I had taken the time to actually plan I probably would’ve gone out with a few friends. But I just didn’t care enough to put actual effort into my birthday. I never really do. I’m still alive, that’s enough for me. I run the streets and drink enough on plenty of other days out of the year, why not do something different?

I’m getting fat again so I’ve finally started MAKING myself stick to a regular gym regimen. My work hours can be rather erratic and tiring, so I’ve always resigned myself to just going to the gym whenever I feel like I’m up to it. That translated into almost never. I still kept up with jogging fairly regularly, but it’s getting cold and running in freezing air isn’t pleasant. It kinda burns the lungs. Plus I like weight exercises. So I finally realized last week that enough is enough and I MUST set aside certain days for the gym with no ifs, ands, or buts about it, so I designated Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. And that is that. So far, so good. Now if I could just get the old men to stop trying to hit on me…

Pretty Ricky’s paper is about 90% done. I emailed him the introduction several days ago and he was really impressed. Now I just need to write a proper conclusion to it, proofread, check the formatting, and that’ll be that. I find myself more anxious about this paper than if it were my own because if it gets a poor grade, not only will I feel bad for his sake, but it’ll be slightly embarrassing on my part.  I mean, I think it’s well written but I’m not sure if my analysis is that compelling or makes any sense. I guess the fact that someone else is depending on me adds a new dimension to it all. Like, I don’t wanna let him down. If I let myself down, then oh well. Letting someone else down sucks.

I’m still kind of trying to figure out why I did this for him. As a peace offering? To impress him? Because I still like him? To get him to like me again? To feel powerful? To feel in control? To feel needed by him? Because I’m a good person? Because I genuinely care about him?

Who knows…

Yesterday, Curly attempted to invite himself over for today. FAIL. Yeah, um…YOU do not decide that you’re coming to get some whenever you feel like it, especially when I don’t even talk to you on the regular like that. No thanks.

And this is precisely why I refuse to give it up to anybody these days. I’m hungry for a MAN and yet I’m surrounded by these little boys.

Family Union

Yesterday afternoon, Curtis and his family came out my way and we went out to eat. I’ve talked to him on the phone and via text several times over the last couple of weeks, but this was my first time meeting him in person, as well as my sister-in-law and two nieces. It was awesome.

He brought pictures of our dad and him from when he was a tot. He even had a picture of our dad and his mom from their high school prom. I’ve never seen my dad that young. I have plenty of pictures of him, but they’re all from my lifetime. It was interesting to see the life he had more than 20 years before I even existed – the happy husband and father. He’s beaming in all the pictures where’s he’s holding Curtis. It’s adorable. It makes me wonder what happened to make it all fall apart. Curtis still hasn’t told his mother about me so I’m guessing that there’s some animosity there towards our dad.

His wife is really nice, as is his older daughter, who’s about to be 21. His 9-year-old daughter was shy and barely said two words to me for the most part, but I could tell she warmed up to me a little by the end of the outing. I was feeling a little shy myself.

I would so love to be able to develop lasting, substantial relationships with each and every one of them, but I know that it’s going to be a process that will require patience and time. Add to everything the fact that besides me, there are all the cousins and stuff from my dad’s side that Curtis still has yet to meet…yeah, this is going to take a while. But the important thing is that we’ve connected. For that, I am grateful.

Besides all that, it’d be nice to have sex sometime this century, but things aren’t looking too good right now. Dimples and I still dance around the issue on the regular, but he’s always asking me to send him pictures and it annoys me. Not that I don’t dabble in naughty pictures from time to time, but I don’t make a regular practice of it. When I do, it’s with someone I’m involved with and have established some level of trust with (although I always keep pics like that faceless just in case). And being as I’m not fucking Dimples, I don’t see the point. When I’m involved with someone, I do it on occasion to tempt or tease or keep things spicy of course, but if I haven’t fucked someone yet then I’m unsure of what the point would be. You either want to do me or you don’t, no pictures should be necessary. We’re two single adults who live within driving distance of each other, so anything he wants to see he can see in person. If he’s lucky.

Eh…

Brother From Another Mother – Literally

No one will ever be able to tell me that Facebook isn’t good for anything. If it weren’t for Facebook, I wouldn’t have found my long lost brother all by my lonesome, who I had my first ever conversation with last night. Before then, I only knew of him as a faceless name that was out there somewhere, and he never even knew I existed, apparently. The feeling I’ve had since then has just been like…WOW.

The only sibling I’ve ever known is Andrew, who’s 13 years older than me. We have different dads, but we were both raised together by my mom. Due to the age difference (he was headed to college when I was headed to kindergarten), we weren’t extremely close in my younger years (he was just another authority figure for me growing up, really), but now that I’m an adult myself we’ve gotten closer.

I don’t remember when I first learned that I had another brother out there somewhere through my dad, but I’ve known it for a long time. At least since my early teens. I knew his name – Curtis – and what he does for a living, but nothing else. I’ve asked my dad from time to time if he’s in contact with him and expressed my desire to meet him, but nothing ever came of it.

A few years ago, I discovered the existence of my state’s online court system database and amused myself by looking up everyone I knew to see what kind of mess they’d been in from traffic tickets to criminal matters. I remember looking Curtis up under the assumption that we share my dad’s last name. I was half right. The only thing that came up was a request for a name change filed in the 1980s. I knew it was him because me and my dad’s last name is very distinctive. But he ditched my dad’s last name and took on another one.

About a week and a half ago, I got the idea to see if I could find Curtis on Facebook. I knew it was a slim chance that I’d find him that way but there’s no harm in trying. I did a search for his name and like 12 or so results came back (his new name is less distinctive than my dad’s, but it’s not exactly like “Jones” or “Smith”). I had a feeling about the very first result just because the person pictured was an older male who kind of favors my dad. I hoped his profile wasn’t private, but of course it was and all I could see was his profile display picture and some basic information that didn’t help since I know nothing about him.

I debated on whether or not to send a message and if so, what to say. “Oh hey, I think you may be my brother” seemed a little too forward and weird, but I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t want to write some convoluted message to someone who may turn out not to be who I’m looking for and then end up looking retarded. So, I opted to send only a friend request. I figured if he was in fact my brother, then my last name alone would be a big hint to him. If he wasn’t my brother, then he’d just think I was a random person and it wouldn’t matter.

I went ahead and sent the request, not thinking much else of it. That is, until last night when I was playing around on Facebook and was notified that he’d accepted it. And to top it off, he was still online.

I bit the bullet and hit him up through the chat: Hi. When five minutes had passed without a response, I tried again: Does my last name mean anything to you? Still nothing after a few minutes. He could’ve not been answering for a number of reasons, so I didn’t trip. I just figured I’d have to go ahead and send a message. But lo and behold, he finally started answering. He replied that my name did mean something and then told me what his dad’s name is – OUR dad – and it was official: I found my long lost brother!

He’s 49, lives in a nearby county, and is married with 2 children – a 9-year-old girl and a 21-year-old girl. That’s the most exciting part, that I have nieces. I’ve been pleading with Andrew’s unsettled ass for years to straighten up and have kids that I can spoil, and it turns out I’ve been an aunt since I was 6 and never even knew. It’s kind of sad because I missed out on so many years of the lives of relatives that I never knew.

I tread carefully with talking to him. I know that there was nothing but excitement and eagerness on my end, but I couldn’t know for sure if he felt the same way. There was the possibility that he was not interested in getting to know his long lost sister. I know he and my dad haven’t talked or seen each other in years. Whenever I’ve asked my dad, his answer has always been “a couple of years,” but Curtis said he hasn’t seen him since the 10th grade. And Curtis is 49 so, that’s a loooooooooooooooooooong time. I’m not sure what exactly transpired between them to cause the rift in their relationship, but I was afraid that due to that, Curtis might not be interested in meeting anyone from our dad’s side of the family, least of all other offspring.

But that didn’t seem to be the case at all. He said that it’d be nice to meet in person one day, suggested that I could go out with his family to dinner, and at the end of it all he said “Nice talking to you little sis.” That made me smile. He asked about our father during the conversation and I think he even expressed interest in seeing him.

We exchanged numbers along the way and I said I’d text him today, but I didn’t get around to it. He said he’s not good at texting anyway – older people and technology, tsk, tsk. I figured that I should give him a chance to let everything sink in anyway and not bombard him with my presence just yet. Maybe I’ll give him a couple of days.

I called my dad this morning and let him know I’d found Curtis. He asked how and I told him. I told him he has grandbabies, in case he didn’t know. I’m not sure if he did or not.

Me…an auntie – imagine that! 🙂