I Tried

Well apparently I jumped the gun on axing Ben. I just assumed, since he had clearly read my diatribes yesterday morning and hadn’t responded, that that would be all she wrote.  Because I certainly wasn’t going to say anything else and I figured that was his standpoint as well.

Yet in the late afternoon he finally replied: “Me too.” I prodded because I had no idea what that meant as a response to the thousands of things I said. He was referencing the statement I made about having been looking forward to our rendezvous. And added on that he had also been excited about seeing the new boobs as well.

I responded that maybe one day the timing will be right. He wrote “K” then proceeded to delve into conversation about how my healing is going. And from there we made friendly intermittent chit chat like normal. He even coaxed the conversation on at certain points, which he usually doesn’t do much of.

So, I don’t know. I get the feeling he wants to keep me around somehow.

Besides that, a few updates on some oldies, but goodies:

Blaze

I hadn’t spoken to him since the random text he had sent me last year, which I found strange given that he was engaged. But I actually ended up running into him at the beach back in August. I was at a bar alone fretting over another jackass, and I turn around and spy my good old friend, Blaze. We drank and talked and hung out together for a little while. No hard feelings; no love lost. We parted ways amicably and he got married last month and good luck to him.

Chester

We had been in contact pretty regularly over the past couple of months. I forget who initiated this round, but when we started talking again he was mourning the loss of a girl he really liked but screwed up with because apparently he had kind of overlapped her with a previous girl, and previous girl wasn’t having it. When she found out about the second chick, she got in contact with her somehow and blew his spot up. Second girl cut him off and didn’t look back and he was upset because he had been into her.

So we started off pretty wholesomely chatty at first yet at some point he started sending me selfies and various other pictures and the general tone turned more flirty. Then he eventually started his usual BS of hinting around hanging out, or wanting to hang out last minute. I just blew him off on those occasions.

But then the Saturday before last, he out right asked if I wanted to hang out with him at a town near me. He was going to meet up with a female friend and her boyfriend. I accepted and he came and got me. I can’t remember the last time I saw him…I feel like it’s not been since we originally talked. But he looked good. And he was the perfect gentleman in getting out of the car to open my door.

The friend wasn’t out yet so we stopped at one spot and had a meal and drinks on our own. Then his friend instructed him to go to another spot, so he paid and I said I’d get our drinks at the next place. The friend and her boyfriend joined us maybe 30 minutes later. She was nice and so was the boyfriend – nice to the point where, when we decided to hit another spot, the boyfriend paid the whole tab…meaning he paid for the drinks Chester and I had even when they weren’t even there yet. We implored him not to, but he insisted. And then when we were done at the next place, he claimed that they “know him” and had comped him and so we didn’t pay a cent yet again. I’ll allow it.

I had told Chester earlier in the evening that he could crash at my place if he needed to, and that’s what ended up happening. But sleeping is not all we did, of course. The next morning we got a second round in and then he drove me to McDonald’s for greasy hangover food and left.

The night before he had told me he would be back in that same town the next weekend for a wedding. I had plans for dinner with Hannah as a preliminary birthday celebration in said town as well. He said “maybe” (as in, he wanted us to) we would cross paths. But apparently he was going as a female friend’s plus 1, and I checked to make sure I wouldn’t be interrupting a date. He assured me that said female is a friend from college who lives out of state now but comes back to attend a wedding every once in a while, and he just kind of her standing wedding date on those occasions.

So we ended up meeting up out on the town last weekend. Not until about midnight, though. Hannah and I met him at the bar they were all at. I was pretty tipsy by then. I met his female friend; she was nice. Hannah’s husband came to pick her up not too long into it, so I figured I’d either just Uber back home or possibly crash with Chester. Unfortunately he was sharing a room with his friend, so that was a no-go. And I feel like we might’ve not gotten along so well somehow – I think maybe I said something drunkenly stupid about us dating or something. I can’t remember.

I eventually Ubered back home safely and woke up to a text that he sent me at 4:25 am asking if I made it home okay. He texted me a little bit later when he got home and I asked why he had been up that late/early…he didn’t seem to remember it being that early.  But that was really the extent of the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since. So I can’t decide if we got into it or not because I figured he wouldn’t have texted me. But then again I haven’t heard from him like I normally have been. I don’t care either way.

Adam

So when it came down to it and we finally got around to talking about expectations, it turned out that Adam still didn’t see us as a dating thing, but was interested in exploring other options, such as a FWB situation. I tried it; he came over a couple of times, just for kicks. But just like he told me that time that he doesn’t think about me when he gets a spare moment…I don’t fantasize about him when I get a spare moment. And thus it doesn’t interest me to maintain any sexual relationship with him at all. He DID look pretty good when I saw him for the first time after a year, though. I’m not usually a facial hair fan, but a beard on him makes him a little hotter. But still…eh.

Reappearing Acts

I ended up hanging out with Martin again last Friday night. We tentatively scheduled to meet up a couple of days before but made no solid plans. I was ambivalent about whether I actually wanted it to happen or whether he himself would follow through, so I ended up scheduling dinner/drinks with a girlfriend of mine for Friday evening as well because she seemed to be under the weather and to need some companionship.

So when Martin texted me that afternoon asking if we were still on, I decided to try and combine the two because I would’ve felt bad about blowing him off. I told him I was meeting up with a girlfriend and that he would be welcome to join. He was hesitant at first about “interrupting” but I assured him it would be fine. I also spoke to said girlfriend – Alana – and made sure it was okay with her. She, too, was reluctant at first because she felt like she would just be the third wheel on a date, but I explained that Martin was just a guy I had gone on one date with and as of now it was more friendly than anything. She was cool with it.

Martin and I live near-ish to each other, and the meeting spot was a spot in a city about 25 minutes away, so he offered to come pick me up. I accepted. I thought that was sweet. Dinner was at 7 so I told Martin to be at my house at 6:30. Between getting off work and then, I had to squeeze in a microblading touch-up appointment I had at 5 p.m. I ended up getting home a little after 6 p.m. with just enough time to spare to care for the cat and refresh myself before he was there to pick me up.

Alana ran about 15 minutes late, but when she arrived I introduced them and everyone got along well and dinner was grand. As it was Friday night and I hadn’t driven, I got a little bit tipsy and then came up with the grand idea of going back to Martin’s place with him to play video games (while Alana was in the bathroom). He was with it, so he took me back and I played about 10 minutes of Fallout 4 and we watched maybe 15 minutes of The Conjuring 2 before we just decided to hit the hay. We drank a little more at his place so I was quite inebriated. I had warned him beforehand that there would definitely be no sex due to the boob situation and he was fine with that. We made out some but that was that.

In the morning we decided to watch the rest of The Conjuring 2 and then he dropped me back home. We had discussed next hanging out on Wednesday. We texted intermittently for the rest of the weekend about our Halloween shenanigans and on Tuesday he did follow up about hanging out the next day, but I never responded. I don’t know why. Or, I do – just not feeling it. But I guess that’s “ghosting” and it’s mean and I should say something though.

Meanwhile, Ross is being quite persistent. I did respond to his mushy diatribe and basically told him I have some issues with men to work through. He responded with how he was “gravely” hurt twice and not ready to open up about it, but does want to hang out. He asked to bring me lunch at work the next day (Monday) but that was my first day back after being off for a week due to my boob job and I knew I’d have a mountain of work to catch up on, so I declined, but suggested maybe a happy hour during the week. He didn’t respond for a couple of days, then texted me on Wednesday about a buddy of his dying on early Tuesday morning from some sudden medical issue. I told him I was sorry but then I didn’t respond for the next few days even though he texted me every day thereafter. On Sunday, he asked why I hadn’t been responding and I told him I had had a rough, tiring, week. Which I had. My boss – who was the best in the world – was leaving for another job and it was her last week so it made me kind of down in the dumps all week, plus the effort of planning for a surprise send-off for her on Friday. I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep and really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody.

He asked why it was rough but I didn’t respond and then 8 hours later get a petulant “Hello?” so I finally ask what exactly it is he wants from me. He went into how he wants to get to know me…hasn’t met anyone else he’s had an interest in since meeting me…he has a “vibe it’s worth a try”…blah, blah, blah. I told him I may be willing to hang out and this pattern of texting ensues:

Ross

Jesus…certainly very persistent. I did finally halfway agree to a date for tomorrow night although I have a sushi lunch gathering at a girlfriend’s house in the afternoon and don’t really know how long that will be, if I will feel like going out afterward, or if I really want to go out with Ross. But then if I don’t, I guess I should tell him.

THEN, to top all that off, I get a text from a mysterious phone number yesterday afternoon soon after I got home from work. I tried looking it up in my email (I have an app that backs up every text I send or receive to an email folder, for situations exactly like these), but nothing came up. So after small bit of a song and dance about who it was, it turned out to be none other than Adam, the guy who unceremoniously kicked me to the curb last year.

So, it did just so happen that last week I got to catching up with my buddy, Clyde, who is a coworker of Adam’s. After the original implosion, I vented to Clyde about the situation in the hopes that maybe some of it would get back to Adam because I felt bad about my reaction and Adam had blocked me on pretty much every medium. And, of course, tried a half-assed attempt at smoothing things over with Adam that yielded zero results. Then I moved on with my life.

From time to time, although he had blocked me, I’d still see Adam in pictures on Facebook through either his job or mutual friends, but I didn’t particularly feel any certain kind of way and I never reached out again. A colleague of Clyde’s ended up adding me on Facebook, and I learned through pictures of his that he was friends with Adam as well, and possibly even a former roommate. I’ve never spoken to him though – not sure if he knows about me and Adam or not and it’s really not consequential to anything. In my Bumble travels a couple of months ago, I also ran across Adam’s profile, but I definitely swiped left. And that was about it as far as Adam goes until yesterday.

I was just texting with Clyde last week to catch up and I mentioned my boob job and joked that “Adam lost out,” but it definitely was not really for any purpose of trying to get to Adam – just an honest joke. But then come yesterday, Adam says that Clyde mentioned me to him the other day so he just thought he would reach out. We did some brief catching up and then he wanted to know “if everything is cool now.” I assured him I was over it. He then asked if I had any interest in talking to him. I asked what he would like to talk about and then he randomly asked how we originally met. I replied with “Bumble” and he said he just wanted to make sure it was me because it “didn’t sound like me,” whatever that means. I guess maybe he was expecting fireworks and a parade because he suddenly texted me out of the blue after that shit he pulled last year – uh, what exactly is it you want me to say?

Be that as it may, we ended up having cordial conversation for most of the evening. He did in fact try subtly sniffing around my status by asking “how the rest of the male population is treating me,” AKA “Are you single?” so I’m sensing a little interest there I think, although who knows if it’s genuine or it will just be the same shit all over again. He ended up ending conversation by saying he’s going to bed because he has to be up early. I bade him good night and that was that.

I figure if it was honestly just to “catch up” and see how I’m doing, then that will be the end of it. If he ends up texting me again, then I will know he wants more.

But what I want…I don’t really know.

Lonely on Purpose

In case there is a misconception that I spend the majority of my time pining over men who do not want me, that is actually not the case. While that does encompass a minuscule portion of my day-to-day activities, I actually spend quite a bit of time running from men who do want me. Ben, while he was the apple of my eye momentarily, is not the only man I’ve been out with in recent weeks. I’m just not really that good at dating, in case it’s not apparent.

Firstly, there is Ross, who is a firefighter that I happened to meet at a happy hour…I don’t remember when. Maybe around the last week of August. He came in and sat beside me (I was alone) and then a male friend eventually joined him. I thought he was kind of cute and initiated conversation flirtatiously just for something to do. Well we ended up talking and sharing oysters and then the next thing I know he was asking me out and we exchanged numbers and he walked me to my car like a gentleman. Aww.

Then there is Martin, who is an Air Force guy I matched with on Bumble on September 3, which is coincidentally the same day that I originally swore off talking to Ben. We got to talking extensively the next day, which was Labor Day. I had to work but had nothing to do since neither my boss or anyone else was here anyway, so I spent most of my work day catching up on episodes of 90 Day Fiance: Before the 90 Days and texting with him. He didn’t have to work, so we talked quite extensively and by the end of my work day we had plans for a date the next night.

I met him in his nearby town that evening and we had a lovely sushi dinner together. He’s tall and pretty cute, but maybe a little lankier than I really prefer. But still, I had a good time and enjoyed talking to him. He eventually asked me out again for that Friday, I think, but I had already made plans with Ross for happy hour so I declined.

So here is where I did something kind of jacked up. On that Friday I met Ross out. I got there before him and he was running late, so I had already eaten and had a couple of drinks before he came. We proceeded to get pretty inebriated via many shots and for some reason (well…probably because I was drunk), I started texting Martin about how hammered I was and he asked if I needed a ride and I said yes. He asked where I was and I told him and he showed up. With Ross there.

I have no idea how I introduced them to each other. But in any case, I ended up leaving with Martin. But not before Ross paid the whole tab, including the portion that was really just my own before he showed up. Aww.

Martin took me back to his house, which he shares with roommates. But his portion is a huge basement bedroom that has a bed and a couch. We attempted to watch a movie but I passed out. I woke up at a dawn only slightly confused before I remembered where I was. I went to pee and then I decided to join him in bed where we kind of cuddled and made out very PG-like, but that was the extent of that.

He kept talking about some brunch date he had to get to later that morning, so it was a time-sensitive matter in him taking me back to my car. It turned out the brunch was with his ex-wife (they were married for less than a year and divorced earlier this year). I thought it was kind of strange that they’d be having brunch together – what for? – but whatever.

He had given me a t-shirt to wear and he let me keep it so I took it with me when we left. On the drive back to my car he remarked on how he’s had problems with depression and made a “joke” about how he’s off his meds now because they had made him “more” suicidal. Ha ha, super funny!

We had intermittent conversation for the rest of the day after I got home, but either that day or the next he sent me some message about “not knowing what he wants” right now and it sounded like pretty much he was blowing me off so I left it at that. It seemed to me like he might still be into his ex-wife or something, Nothing else was said or heard.

UNTIL September 7, when I ventured out to his town to take my old boobs out for one last spin before my surgery that Friday. I’d had a lot of good times with those girls and wanted them to go out in style. But being in Martin’s town made me think of him so I decided to text and say hello. He responded and was pleasant back, but nothing about the conversation sounded particularly inviting or anything, so I left it at that.

But then that Monday he started texting me about how my night out was and we got to talking and he eventually asked me if I wanted to meet that week. I asked if he was sure he had the right person, because the last thing I remembered was him not knowing what he wants. So I asked if this was just a matter of him wanting to get in my pants or something.

Martin.jpg

I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what kind of dialogue he was looking for when you tell a woman who was just in your bed that morning, and coincidentally after brunch with your ex-wife, that you “don’t know what you want.” We made plans once and I blew him off and then again and I blew him off again because I just wasn’t into it.

But whatever, he seems nice enough and has seemed very caring and compassionate about keeping up with how I’m feeling after my surgery. He asked me over last night for “taco and horror movie” night with him and one of his roommates, but I just wanted to rest for work today after being off for so lone, so I declined. I may go out with him again, I may not.

After acting like a total ass with Ross, inviting Martin to the party and all, I thought I wouldn’t hear from him again. That next morning, I guess we had made some drunken brunch plans but I was a little hung-over so that was a definite no-go and I didn’t really respond. I thought that was that.

But then eventually he started texting me again. I told him I was ignorant for that night and he agreed and I apologized, and somehow he is still interested in me for whatever reason. He asked me out for a drink last night but I declined. Then he called me but I didn’t feel like talking so I ignored it. He texted to say he had just wanted to catch up and then told me to have a good night.

But THEN he sent me this diatribe:

Ross.jpg

So the lesson here is, when you treat men like crap, they just can’t get enough of you. Also, I am lonely on purpose, not because I have to be.