Reappearing Acts

I ended up hanging out with Martin again last Friday night. We tentatively scheduled to meet up a couple of days before but made no solid plans. I was ambivalent about whether I actually wanted it to happen or whether he himself would follow through, so I ended up scheduling dinner/drinks with a girlfriend of mine for Friday evening as well because she seemed to be under the weather and to need some companionship.

So when Martin texted me that afternoon asking if we were still on, I decided to try and combine the two because I would’ve felt bad about blowing him off. I told him I was meeting up with a girlfriend and that he would be welcome to join. He was hesitant at first about “interrupting” but I assured him it would be fine. I also spoke to said girlfriend – Alana – and made sure it was okay with her. She, too, was reluctant at first because she felt like she would just be the third wheel on a date, but I explained that Martin was just a guy I had gone on one date with and as of now it was more friendly than anything. She was cool with it.

Martin and I live near-ish to each other, and the meeting spot was a spot in a city about 25 minutes away, so he offered to come pick me up. I accepted. I thought that was sweet. Dinner was at 7 so I told Martin to be at my house at 6:30. Between getting off work and then, I had to squeeze in a microblading touch-up appointment I had at 5 p.m. I ended up getting home a little after 6 p.m. with just enough time to spare to care for the cat and refresh myself before he was there to pick me up.

Alana ran about 15 minutes late, but when she arrived I introduced them and everyone got along well and dinner was grand. As it was Friday night and I hadn’t driven, I got a little bit tipsy and then came up with the grand idea of going back to Martin’s place with him to play video games (while Alana was in the bathroom). He was with it, so he took me back and I played about 10 minutes of Fallout 4 and we watched maybe 15 minutes of The Conjuring 2 before we just decided to hit the hay. We drank a little more at his place so I was quite inebriated. I had warned him beforehand that there would definitely be no sex due to the boob situation and he was fine with that. We made out some but that was that.

In the morning we decided to watch the rest of The Conjuring 2 and then he dropped me back home. We had discussed next hanging out on Wednesday. We texted intermittently for the rest of the weekend about our Halloween shenanigans and on Tuesday he did follow up about hanging out the next day, but I never responded. I don’t know why. Or, I do – just not feeling it. But I guess that’s “ghosting” and it’s mean and I should say something though.

Meanwhile, Ross is being quite persistent. I did respond to his mushy diatribe and basically told him I have some issues with men to work through. He responded with how he was “gravely” hurt twice and not ready to open up about it, but does want to hang out. He asked to bring me lunch at work the next day (Monday) but that was my first day back after being off for a week due to my boob job and I knew I’d have a mountain of work to catch up on, so I declined, but suggested maybe a happy hour during the week. He didn’t respond for a couple of days, then texted me on Wednesday about a buddy of his dying on early Tuesday morning from some sudden medical issue. I told him I was sorry but then I didn’t respond for the next few days even though he texted me every day thereafter. On Sunday, he asked why I hadn’t been responding and I told him I had had a rough, tiring, week. Which I had. My boss – who was the best in the world – was leaving for another job and it was her last week so it made me kind of down in the dumps all week, plus the effort of planning for a surprise send-off for her on Friday. I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep and really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody.

He asked why it was rough but I didn’t respond and then 8 hours later get a petulant “Hello?” so I finally ask what exactly it is he wants from me. He went into how he wants to get to know me…hasn’t met anyone else he’s had an interest in since meeting me…he has a “vibe it’s worth a try”…blah, blah, blah. I told him I may be willing to hang out and this pattern of texting ensues:

Ross

Jesus…certainly very persistent. I did finally halfway agree to a date for tomorrow night although I have a sushi lunch gathering at a girlfriend’s house in the afternoon and don’t really know how long that will be, if I will feel like going out afterward, or if I really want to go out with Ross. But then if I don’t, I guess I should tell him.

THEN, to top all that off, I get a text from a mysterious phone number yesterday afternoon soon after I got home from work. I tried looking it up in my email (I have an app that backs up every text I send or receive to an email folder, for situations exactly like these), but nothing came up. So after small bit of a song and dance about who it was, it turned out to be none other than Adam, the guy who unceremoniously kicked me to the curb last year.

So, it did just so happen that last week I got to catching up with my buddy, Clyde, who is a coworker of Adam’s. After the original implosion, I vented to Clyde about the situation in the hopes that maybe some of it would get back to Adam because I felt bad about my reaction and Adam had blocked me on pretty much every medium. And, of course, tried a half-assed attempt at smoothing things over with Adam that yielded zero results. Then I moved on with my life.

From time to time, although he had blocked me, I’d still see Adam in pictures on Facebook through either his job or mutual friends, but I didn’t particularly feel any certain kind of way and I never reached out again. A colleague of Clyde’s ended up adding me on Facebook, and I learned through pictures of his that he was friends with Adam as well, and possibly even a former roommate. I’ve never spoken to him though – not sure if he knows about me and Adam or not and it’s really not consequential to anything. In my Bumble travels a couple of months ago, I also ran across Adam’s profile, but I definitely swiped left. And that was about it as far as Adam goes until yesterday.

I was just texting with Clyde last week to catch up and I mentioned my boob job and joked that “Adam lost out,” but it definitely was not really for any purpose of trying to get to Adam – just an honest joke. But then come yesterday, Adam says that Clyde mentioned me to him the other day so he just thought he would reach out. We did some brief catching up and then he wanted to know “if everything is cool now.” I assured him I was over it. He then asked if I had any interest in talking to him. I asked what he would like to talk about and then he randomly asked how we originally met. I replied with “Bumble” and he said he just wanted to make sure it was me because it “didn’t sound like me,” whatever that means. I guess maybe he was expecting fireworks and a parade because he suddenly texted me out of the blue after that shit he pulled last year – uh, what exactly is it you want me to say?

Be that as it may, we ended up having cordial conversation for most of the evening. He did in fact try subtly sniffing around my status by asking “how the rest of the male population is treating me,” AKA “Are you single?” so I’m sensing a little interest there I think, although who knows if it’s genuine or it will just be the same shit all over again. He ended up ending conversation by saying he’s going to bed because he has to be up early. I bade him good night and that was that.

I figure if it was honestly just to “catch up” and see how I’m doing, then that will be the end of it. If he ends up texting me again, then I will know he wants more.

But what I want…I don’t really know.

Hopeless

Well, not much has changed here. My career is looking up, but my love life is still pretty pathetic. I did manage to break my sex drought with Caesar, but it was only one time back in July and it was not a remarkable experience. I’ve barely spoken to him since although we still work out of the same building and thus see each other from time to time. I’m not attracted to him anymore though.

Otherwise, here I am still…29 and single. Starting to hear my biological clock tick. Still struggling to find out how to connect with somebody.

My most recent dating disaster involved a guy I’ll call Robo. He’s a colleague that I knew of, but only actually met in person in early February when I happened into the same bar. I knew who he was when I saw him though. Even though I’d never met him, I’d always kind of admired him due to his reputation for being really physically strong. He flirted with me somewhat, but was very standoffish most of the night. When the bar shut down he walked me to my car somewhat begrudgingly, but then gave me his phone number. I texted him on a tipsy note when I got home and he explained that he’s just very private and didn’t want the other guys he works with in his business, but said that he wanted me to have his number all along and that he liked me. Seemed like a good start to me.

Well from there, it went downhill, like 100% of my encounters with men do. He wasn’t very prompt with answering text messages and that annoyed me. And I don’t mean he didn’t text me back within seconds, but it would be several days of him not answering for hours or even at all. He explained that he was really into training and working out and so wasn’t always available to answer the phone and I accepted that. We kind of fell out once after he literally did not answer me for 3 days but we made up and even made plans to hang out. He was supposed to come over one evening so I could cook him dinner but canceled at the last minute with some bullshit excuse about work. I was irritated, but I got over it and thought we’d reschedule. Well, then I didn’t hear shit from him for the next 5 days despite my daily greetings to him and then when I finally did hear from him, he told me that he was getting back together with an ex. And to top it off, it turned out he gave me his work phone number and not his main phone number, which made sense given him not answering text messages for days at a time.

I happened to see him in the bar the next week and we talked a bit and then he told me it wasn’t an ex, but someone he just met that stole his heart or some shit. Really, dude? He said we’d talk some more but then sneaked out eventually. I texted him when I got home in an irate manner and he said that life is unpredictable and he met someone he cared deeply about. Again…really?  So that conversation did not go well and I left it alone for a couple of weeks. Then I texted him eventually to apologize and make peace and he did not respond. I texted him again in the early morning hours of St. Patrick’s Day and still no response. Then finally today I asked why he was being so mean and he told me he’s not being mean, but he’s in a relationship. I told him I’m no longer interested in him romantically, but just wanted to clear the air so we can be cordial to one another should we cross paths again, that’s all. And I apologized for my vicious behavior and he accepted and I wished him well in his relationship.

But honestly, I really don’t wish him well. Because I’m tired of being the loser in all these love battles. So you basically meet me and another girl around the same time, but for some reason she’s the one who wins your affection and not me? And why is that, exactly? I feel like I’m always on the losing end. Like I’m just chopped liver or something. For once, I would just like to meet a guy I like and have him give some type of damn about me too…just ONE TIME. I’m just starting to think that I’m just some terrible, defective person in some way that I can’t see that makes guys look at me and never see someone they would want to be with. It’s a very sad feeling. And I’m not exaggerating when I say “for once”…I’ve never been in a serious relationship because I’ve literally NEVER been able to sustain a connection with anyone I really like. It’s like if I’m into a guy, then it is automatically made so that he will not be into me.

The one thing I know that hinders me a lot is the fact that I get infatuated really easily. And I get infatuated easily I guess because I’m generally starving for affection yet I’m so picky that I rarely ever meet anyone that I’m solidly attracted to. But when I do meet that person finally, I probably come on unattractively strong. I almost feel like once I get a guy’s number, I should force myself not to talk to him for 2 weeks or so until the initial butterflies have settled. Because anytime before then, I read too much into everything said to me and if I sense a level of enthusiasm less than my own, it drives me crazy.

I am slightly crazy, but not Fatal Attraction crazy.

Prince Charming…

I’m still waiting for him. Still Sexless in Seattle…14 months tomorrow. That’s not to say I’ve not gotten SOME action, but no intercourse.

In April, I ended up in a hotel room with Lincoln after a night of bar hopping which left me completely wasted. I was talking a little bit of trash I guess which is why we ended up there, but in the end I didn’t give up the goods. He went down on me (though I barely remember), and I gave him some hand action, but then I refused to go further and passed out. We woke up 4 hours later and he said he had to go so I started getting dressed. He pulled me down on the bed and tried to take off my panties but I refused him again. He was NOT a happy camper. We’ve talked a little and actually hung out again a few weeks ago for the first time since that episode, but he doesn’t really appear to be genuinely interested in me. He’s always been all talk and no action. He SAYS he likes me, but doesn’t show it. He’s SAID he’d take me to dinner, but has never done it. Most likely he was just trying to get into my pants. Well, it didn’t work. I’m not mad at him though.

Caesar is still Caesar. He’s still my boss and he’s still so wishy-washy that it’s hard to read him and it frustrates me. One minute he’s giving me the cold shoulder, the next minute he’s being flirtatious. Lately, he’s not answered hardly any of my texts so I told him the week before last that I’m not going to bother anymore since he ignores me 98% of the time. And fittingly, he ignored that one.

That was when he told me that I need to understand that he’s never going to hook up with me while I work for him. I told him I’ll leave him alone then. YET, at work he goes on to talk about how nice my lips are and asking if he can “borrow” them and making suggestive tongue gestures at me behind other people’s backs…telling me he wants me to sit on his face, etc…Like, okay asshole, if you’re not going to fuck me then shut the fuck up and stop playing games. He pushes me away then lures me back in…pushes me away and lures me back in. I think I’m done being a yo-yo for the moment though. Fuck it. I’ve been going back and forth with him for 3 years now.

Of course…I’ve faltered a few times since I made that resolution, but I haven’t texted him in 3 days now so I’m off to a good start. He hasn’t been to work this week, which is great because it’s easier to pretend you don’t want someone when you don’t have to look at him or hear him.

I had a casual date on  the Monday before last. LC is a distant coworker who added me on Facebook ages ago. We conversed on there a couple of times and he even offered me his number, but I never used it. I found him attractive from what I could see in his pictures (I couldn’t recall ever having seen him in person), but I figured he was just another one trying to get some ass or whatever.

Well in the last couple of weeks I’d been seeking work-related advice and insight from him since he’s a higher-up, and he’s been very attentive and helpful. That led to texting and flirting and eventually we made plans to hang out. We met up at a restaurant on that Monday evening and had dinner.

He’s attractive, overall. Nice hair, beautiful skin (it looked like he had on makeup as smooth and clear as it looked…he didn’t, of course), and he had on a nice suit ensemble (he was coming straight from work). He’s funny and charismatic and seems fairly intelligent. Once we warmed up to each other, it was a good time. We were there for over 3 hours.

The only thing is, his teeth are…not the most pleasant. And I feel bad for saying that because my teeth aren’t perfect by any means. However, I do have a nice smile. And that’s all I require from a man…a nice smile. A mouth I’d like to imagine kissing and being wrapped around my vulva. Minor tooth imperfections can even be charming. But his grill is a little off. I only got a brief look at his teeth when he first walked in. He doesn’t seem to smile with teeth much and I suppose it’s because he’s self-conscious about them.

Also…he’s in his late 30s and has two pre-teen children, which is fine. But he got a vasectomy years ago. So clearly he’s not interested in having more children. It’s not like I want to have a baby tomorrow, but, as I’m in my late 20s and I know I DEFINITELY want to reproduce one day, I’m starting to judge men these days not only as potential companions for me, but also as potential fathers for my future child(ren). Men who don’t want to have any more babies are basically out of the running. And as I have a thing for older men, that applies to a lot of them because they’ve already had their kids and their kids are old as shit and they most likely don’t want anymore. But if they haven’t had any vasectomies, then the chance is always there…

But I don’t know, LC is still cool though. Despite any physical hangups I have, he’s still attractive as a whole and I enjoyed myself with him. He’s been sending silly little texts since and even asked when I’m taking HIM to dinner (as if!) a couple of days ago, so I might hang out with him sooner rather than later…