Crazy or Nah?

 

Well the Ben hiatus lasted all of 24 hours after I wrote that I was staying away from him. Partly – or mostly, rather – due to an extended weekend in New Orleans with a group of friends where sobriety was not high on our list of priorities. I ended up drunk messaging him at some point to ask about this week. And thus ended up back over again last night.

I didn’t get home until late Monday night and had to work yesterday, so I was dead tired, but I rallied for the drive to his place in the evening anyway and good times were had.

Things were a little different this time though. We became a little more familiar in  sexual sense, which makes me think he is definitely much more comfortable with me. He also made several comments alluding to the the “next time” we hang out, which I can’t recall him doing before. And after we had sex, spent an hour talking, then had more sex, and it was nearing 10 PM, he asked if I wanted to get some food. It was nothing fancy – just a quick jaunt to the grocery store right next to his building which has an extensive food buffet – but I thought it was interesting nonetheless. He bought us some food and we sat at the bar eating for a little bit, and then he walked me to my car as usual.

But if we may add to the “red flag” list, there are now several more things that I find of note:

  • The last time we hung out, he spoke of the “craziest thing he ever did” in terms of a romantic situation. It involved “the last girl he really loved” 5 years ago who ditched him for an ex-boyfriend. When she wouldn’t answer his texts or calls, he drove to her home unannounced to try to talk to her. What the outcome of that was, I’m not sure. Maybe not TOO bad in itself, but then…
  • Last night he upped the ante with a story about having a restraining order filed on him in the past by someone else (NOT aforementioned girl) whom he fell out with and who subsequently blocked him from texting or calling. He happened to find out that she would be at a certain bar on some night and went there to see her. When she turned around to find it was him tapping her shoulder, she once again told him to kick rocks. He then proceeded to send her flowers on TWO subsequent occasions after which he was met with temporary restraining order paperwork. He had to retain a lawyer to try to negotiate and smooth things over so as to try to avoid the temporary order becoming a permanent one, which would’ve had repercussions in terms of his career. What saved his ass was that he was about to get re-stationed anyway and the lawyer was able to convince her to rescind it because he’s not going to be anywhere near her.

So, maybe that’s a little concerning? Is he crazy? He doesn’t really seem like it – maybe we have all done crazy things for love. But then again, he doesn’t love me so I don’t know if these tendencies to be maybe a little obsessive/stalker-ish and demonstrate willful disregard for boundaries would manifest more in a serious dating situation with him.

But I have definitely done some crazy shit, so who am I to judge? It doesn’t really scare me or make me wary, but I just tend to just not be afraid of people in general whether I should be or not.

But whatever. He told me before I left last night to message when I got home, which he has also never done. He read it eventually but never answered. I sent another message to – assuming we hang out next week – try to adjust from Tuesday to Monday. He has read and not answered. So maybe it’s for the best.

 

 

Out of the Frying Pan

Well I like someone again. And to feel for someone else after the previous debacle (the source of which I will affectionately refer to from here on out as Adolf because I truly do believe he is a depraved, psychotic asshole and I will get around to writing more in depth about it eventually, maybe) is a relief because it means I am truly over him, but there is only a dead end at the end of this tunnel and I already know it so I’m not going to bother deluding myself about it.

I was still kind of reeling from the Adolf implosion when I matched with Ben on Bumble 9 days later (August 21), but I found him especially attractive with those high cheekbones and teal colored eyes. Not to mention that he looks quite dashing in an Army officer’s uniform. He stood out from the normal Bumble crowd immediately and I was excited when we matched. I obligatorily initiated conversation soon after and we mutually engaged without hassle.

He expressed reticence very early on about our distance, which was actually about 20 miles exaggerated to the north at the time because I was at work. However even normally he does live about a 45-minute drive south of me. I guess that’s maybe far or maybe not, depending on how much a person is worth to you. In any case, the conversation kept up and we even got around to making hang out plans for the next Tuesday that same day. He expressed an interest in FaceTiming beforehand, I guess to make sure he wasn’t getting bamboozled, which I thought was pretty smart and even better than a phone call.

We ended up doing so the next night. I’m Team Android though so he had to settle for video chatting through FB Messenger. He did once again express discontent with the distance factor, commenting that he didn’t think he would be able to go without seeing a girlfriend during the week. I mean, we don’t really live THAT far where we could only see each other on weekends, but whatever, dude. It was kind of annoying that that seemed to be some big hang-up of his, but besides that the conversation was not lacking by any means.

After we hung up he followed up with several amusing video clips of him good-naturedly harassing an older female colleague at work that he had described as his “work wife.” Around that time I took it upon myself to take a glance at his FB page, and what do I spy but a picture of him in early July with a female, captioned with a seemingly excited tone with “she’s in town.” Yikes. Knowing that he had only been re-stationed in this area since June, I made the assumption that this have been some type of girlfriend from his previous assignment. Or maybe even the one before that. Or who knows. There were no more pictures of them that I had access to from his page, and there was no tag for her to try to creep on her end. Nevertheless it was clear that this was some kind of special person to him, and that it was definitely a romantic scenario as inferred from some of his FB friends’ comments.

Well, damn. Slightly disappointed, but oh well…only a guy I knew from Bumble for 18 hours. Maybe I should’ve let it go then, but it felt good to actually be attracted to someone else and thus feeling like I was almost over the Adolf hurdle, so I ended up reaching out to him again through Bumble the day following the video chat and we chatted like normal. I didn’t feel like I had the right to question him about anything like some crazy person, so I didn’t.

I met Carly at the beach for an extended weekend and ended up staying 2 impromptu extra days, so we didn’t meet up that next Tuesday after all. We were still sporadically conversing through Bumble over that time but it was mostly me just being drunk and saying stupid things or sending suggestive pictures. I had kind of already written him off as a dating prospect so I wasn’t really caring about trying to present the best impression of myself, but I was still highly attracted to him and still interested in at least something, so I suggested the following: “So I feel like we probably shouldn’t date…but should have sex though.” He said that was fine if we hit it off. And then cue several bouts of x-rated conversation. And giving him my phone # so we could transition to texting, which he did pretty promptly.

We ended up making plans to hang out that Sat (Sept. 2) at about 5, originally, I think. We talked that morning to confirm and he gave me his home address. I knew it was just supposed to be a hookup type of thing, but I still didn’t really feel comfortable starting things off that way. I suggested maybe we initially meet somewhere in public that is nearby, and he suggested a local bar. Cool. But then that afternoon he started trying to push the time back 2 hours to 7 because of “college football.” Gee, thanks. I was annoyed because I felt like it was just some type of head game, so I suggested 6. We agreed on 6:30. Fine. Oh but then I get another text right as I’m about to get ready to suggest pushing it back to the next day.

Um, no. I told him I had plans. I really didn’t, but no. Because first I got the “college football” bullshit and then now he was telling me how tired he was from running and working out. This all from a guy whose Bumble profile featured a mini-rant in it about people making plans and then not sticking to them. Right.

A minor skirmish ensued through a series of ensuing texts where he told me that if I wanted to just come to his place and bang and then leave then that was fine, but he’s just tired and not leaving his apartment today. And I, in turn, got irritated because although I knew it was kind of just a hookup, I didn’t really want it to be so overt. When I contested that, he sent me a screenshot of my fatal Bumble drunken rumblings about just sex and then reiterated in so many words that he didn’t want to date someone so “far” away. Whatever.

I stopped answering after a while and went out and ate Mexican food and drank margaritas and felt better. But then the next day I felt kind of bad because I did give him a hard time even though he was just freely going along with what I said was cool. So I tried to be nice and flirty and essentially get us back to solid ground again, but his responses were terse and I wasn’t really feeling like his interest was anything but “Eh…” The last thing I said to him was that he was a hard nut to crack. He never responded and I resolved from then on not give him the time of day any longer. So I didn’t.

I noticed later that week that he had deleted his Bumble account. Not blocked or unmatched me because the conversation was still there, but he was showing up as a “Deleted User” and I had never seen that before and so had to do some research into what that means. It definitely just means he deleted his account altogether and not me specifically. So I figured he had found what he was looking for and was now out of the game. And maybe felt a small pang of regret at not having gotten the chance to meet him, but oh well. I had started entertaining an Air Force guy  who I saw a couple of times that week and was semi-interested in for all of 4 days, but then that ended up fizzling out and I was back to the  status quo.

Ten days after Ben and I last talked, I’m minding my business at work when I check my phone to find a FB message from him. It’s a video clip of him staring into the camera with those pretty eyes while eating a sweet potato for several seconds, culminating with him waving and and blowing a kiss. WTF?!

I asked him if that was meant specifically for me and he says yes. Okay, random…but then “catching up” conversation ensues. We eventually get around to agreeing on trying the hanging out thing again and decide on that Friday evening. It’s clear his motivation is sexual, but I’m perfectly with it this time.

I get to his area on Friday around 8 PM. Although he knew I was coming at this time, somehow he is still just finishing up a treadmill run and still needing to shower, so he meets me outside of his building and gives me a fist bump as a greeting since he’s sweaty. Even still, he’s tall and broad and cute. He takes me in his building and up to his apartment, which is kind of high end and very nice. He turns the living room TV on for me and promises me a quick shower. I take that opportunity to assess my surroundings.

As I’m exploring, I notice a birthday card on top of a pile of books. The outside looks benign enough, so I decide to be nosy. I already had a feeling, and yep…there’s pretty much a love letter written inside. Someone addressing him as “my love” and declaring that the best gift she can give him for his 38th year is her love and then signing off with a pet name. Cute. Oh well. Not anything I didn’t expect, given what I saw on his Facebook timeline. Whether it is the same girl or not, I have no way of knowing.

After he gets out of the shower and gets himself together, he offers me a drink. He happens to have some vodka and 0-calorie flavored seltzer on hand – perfect! He fixes it for me but I only get a couple of sips in before he wants to show me the view from the roof. We take the elevator up to the roof level, where it turns out there is a pool and a little clubhouse setting with an outside seating area. Pretty sweet. It’s a warm, clear night so we sit outside on patio for a little while admiring the view and talking. But then I’m ready to get back to my drink so we go back to his apartment.

We settle on the couch and talk while I sip my drink. I think he had opened a beer initially, but didn’t like the taste or something, so abandoned it. He’s very talkative and we converse for maybe an hour or so before he wants to take things to the bedroom, which I was ready for by then. Decent sex, nothing mind-blowing. The first time with someone is always a little awkward. He had to keep pausing from time to time so he didn’t cum too quick, which I guess was admirable, even if annoying.

After we finished, he offered me another drink. I took him up on it and he had a beer this time and we sat on the couch talking for another 45 minutes or so. I was worried about my car because the parking is atrocious in the area and so he directed me to park in a Whole Foods lot which is only good until about 10 PM, so around that time he walked me out to my car and that was that. Good times, I guess.

I thought he was hot and nice and that the sex had potential, but I left with the full intent of leaving it at just the hookup and not making any more contact. But around Wednesday, curiosity started getting the best of me. I just wanted to see how he would react if I said something, I guess. Or if he would respond at all. I messaged him with something silly and he replied. Eventually I added on “maybe we can do it again some time.” He said he hoped so and then told me to let him know when I’m free. I asked about either Friday or Saturday. He said he’d let me know the next day. The next day when I didn’t hear anything, I asked and he said he’d tell me later because an old girlfriend was going to be in the vicinity, but that he does want to see me again. “Oh” was all I could muster….not sure what I’m supposed to say to that. He never got back to me, as expected, since Ms. Ex-girlfriend was clearly going to be the priority, and I refrained from reaching out the rest of that day and Friday.

But then on Saturday morning I sent him a video of a military-related comedy skit. He responded and we had a little bit of an exchange that was positive, I guess. On Sunday I asked if he would be up for something during the week, and he responded affirmatively and we decided on Tuesday evening.

My arrival Tuesday night was almost exactly identical to the first time. I got to the area and parked, only this time in a metered space on the street that was now outside of payment hours and thus free.  He was once again just finishing a run and thus super sweaty when he came out to meet me. We walked up to his apartment and he took a quick shower.

No offers of drinks this time though – he pulled me into the bedroom soon after the shower and wanted to get the party started immediately. We warmed up and got to it and it was definitely much better the second time around, having now a familiarity with his body and how he moves and what he likes.

He wanted to take a break eventually and so we paused and laid around under the covers talking for about an hour or so. About murderers and work and exes and lions and tigers and bears and all that good stuff. There was no cuddling, but I had a hand on his chest and he had his on my thigh most of the time. When he was ready to go again, we got back to it and finished up.

It would’ve been nice to have been offered a post-coital drink again, but I knew it wasn’t going to happen. After we were dressed and back out in the living room for 20 seconds, he said he would walk me out. But maybe I was just the littlest bit disappointed and it showed because when he came over to give me a hug he commented that I’m being “awkward.” Nope, everything is fine. When we were waiting for the elevator, I had my head turned but I could feel him staring at me. I looked at him and asked what was up and he said “Nothing.” Weird.

He walked me outside and back to my car and kissed me goodbye.

As I was driving home, I realized two things: (1) I like him. He’s cute, smart, funny, fit, active, and a good lover and I like talking to him and being around him. And (2) That’s the last time I will ever talk to or see him.

I think he would be up for banging me again if I reached out, but that’s all he is interested in and it’s not a good situation for me. Any attempts for me to try to take it to a dating or relationship level when I knew what it was going in would only end disastrously. We had a good time and I don’t want to mar that with drama, so I’m just going to wean myself off of him and leave it at that. It would be nice to hear from him again, but I’m not going to hold my breath or try and force the issue.

My persistent problem with men, which I think is a function of my semi-Type A personality, has been that when they are clearly emotionally unavailable from the get-go (like he is), or even if they were once into it but start growing aloof, I have a tendency to be a chaser. Not a good look.

He’s a great guy though and I will think of him fondly.

Failure to Launch

So it turns out that Vander and I never amounted to anything. Nothing ever “happened,” per se, it’s just that, although it seemed to have so much promise, he never really made any serious moves.

He actually DID end up breaking up with his girlfriend though, which I didn’t learn of until some days after the fact. We had been texting on a Friday and he alluded to something bothering him. I asked what and he advised me that he had given her the axe the last Sunday and that she wasn’t taking it well. He sounded pretty down in the dumps so I told him he could call me if he wanted to talk, and he did.

They were supposed to be going on a trip to the beach together over the coming weekend and she was trying to coax him into going just as “friends” even though he had already told her he didn’t care about the money, and that it wasn’t a good idea anyway. She kept calling and texting and making him feel like a prick, and then I believe some mutual friends of theirs took it upon themselves to make Vander feel even more like a prick by adding their two cents.

I felt bad for him because he is a good person and I could see that he genuinely felt awful about hurting her, but he just knew she wasn’t for him. Although, I was also secretly happy because I figured that he would take a little bit of a breather to unwind from that for a week or so, and then see if maybe WE might be a better match, right?

Wrong. He never pulled the trigger. We stayed in normal contact for a while – he didn’t ghost on me or anything like that – but it started to become a waiting game that I felt like was never going to end. I was anticipating some type of overture towards us at least hanging out, but it never occurred. But in my mind the ball was now in his court so it was his move to make. And he never did.

The last time we texted was some time in the last week of April, so I haven’t talked to him in over a month now. The last response was from me and he never answered and I just didn’t really give a damn at that point because it felt like a movie that was just dragging on and on and on with no climax or resolution and I was impatient and bored by that point. Like, either ask me out, or why are we talking? You’re single now, what’s the problem? I never expressed anything like that to him openly, but that was my mindset.

Figuring that even if he was really “in his feelings” (as he termed it) it about the break up, which I realize can still hurt even if you’re the one doing the breaking up, so maybe he needed a bit more space before pursuing something else…the fact of the matter is that I still have not heard anything from him in over a month. So, assuming that he is over his break up by now it must be concluded that he lost interest for whatever reason.

We are still friends on Facebook though. Either he or she untagged him from all their cutesie couple pics, so I guess it really is a done deal.

But there is also another reason our failure to launch wasn’t such a big deal to me. And that’s because someone else had already started stealing my interest anyway…