I Tried

Well apparently I jumped the gun on axing Ben. I just assumed, since he had clearly read my diatribes yesterday morning and hadn’t responded, that that would be all she wrote.  Because I certainly wasn’t going to say anything else and I figured that was his standpoint as well.

Yet in the late afternoon he finally replied: “Me too.” I prodded because I had no idea what that meant as a response to the thousands of things I said. He was referencing the statement I made about having been looking forward to our rendezvous. And added on that he had also been excited about seeing the new boobs as well.

I responded that maybe one day the timing will be right. He wrote “K” then proceeded to delve into conversation about how my healing is going. And from there we made friendly intermittent chit chat like normal. He even coaxed the conversation on at certain points, which he usually doesn’t do much of.

So, I don’t know. I get the feeling he wants to keep me around somehow.

Besides that, a few updates on some oldies, but goodies:

Blaze

I hadn’t spoken to him since the random text he had sent me last year, which I found strange given that he was engaged. But I actually ended up running into him at the beach back in August. I was at a bar alone fretting over another jackass, and I turn around and spy my good old friend, Blaze. We drank and talked and hung out together for a little while. No hard feelings; no love lost. We parted ways amicably and he got married last month and good luck to him.

Chester

We had been in contact pretty regularly over the past couple of months. I forget who initiated this round, but when we started talking again he was mourning the loss of a girl he really liked but screwed up with because apparently he had kind of overlapped her with a previous girl, and previous girl wasn’t having it. When she found out about the second chick, she got in contact with her somehow and blew his spot up. Second girl cut him off and didn’t look back and he was upset because he had been into her.

So we started off pretty wholesomely chatty at first yet at some point he started sending me selfies and various other pictures and the general tone turned more flirty. Then he eventually started his usual BS of hinting around hanging out, or wanting to hang out last minute. I just blew him off on those occasions.

But then the Saturday before last, he out right asked if I wanted to hang out with him at a town near me. He was going to meet up with a female friend and her boyfriend. I accepted and he came and got me. I can’t remember the last time I saw him…I feel like it’s not been since we originally talked. But he looked good. And he was the perfect gentleman in getting out of the car to open my door.

The friend wasn’t out yet so we stopped at one spot and had a meal and drinks on our own. Then his friend instructed him to go to another spot, so he paid and I said I’d get our drinks at the next place. The friend and her boyfriend joined us maybe 30 minutes later. She was nice and so was the boyfriend – nice to the point where, when we decided to hit another spot, the boyfriend paid the whole tab…meaning he paid for the drinks Chester and I had even when they weren’t even there yet. We implored him not to, but he insisted. And then when we were done at the next place, he claimed that they “know him” and had comped him and so we didn’t pay a cent yet again. I’ll allow it.

I had told Chester earlier in the evening that he could crash at my place if he needed to, and that’s what ended up happening. But sleeping is not all we did, of course. The next morning we got a second round in and then he drove me to McDonald’s for greasy hangover food and left.

The night before he had told me he would be back in that same town the next weekend for a wedding. I had plans for dinner with Hannah as a preliminary birthday celebration in said town as well. He said “maybe” (as in, he wanted us to) we would cross paths. But apparently he was going as a female friend’s plus 1, and I checked to make sure I wouldn’t be interrupting a date. He assured me that said female is a friend from college who lives out of state now but comes back to attend a wedding every once in a while, and he just kind of her standing wedding date on those occasions.

So we ended up meeting up out on the town last weekend. Not until about midnight, though. Hannah and I met him at the bar they were all at. I was pretty tipsy by then. I met his female friend; she was nice. Hannah’s husband came to pick her up not too long into it, so I figured I’d either just Uber back home or possibly crash with Chester. Unfortunately he was sharing a room with his friend, so that was a no-go. And I feel like we might’ve not gotten along so well somehow – I think maybe I said something drunkenly stupid about us dating or something. I can’t remember.

I eventually Ubered back home safely and woke up to a text that he sent me at 4:25 am asking if I made it home okay. He texted me a little bit later when he got home and I asked why he had been up that late/early…he didn’t seem to remember it being that early.  But that was really the extent of the conversation and I haven’t heard from him since. So I can’t decide if we got into it or not because I figured he wouldn’t have texted me. But then again I haven’t heard from him like I normally have been. I don’t care either way.

Adam

So when it came down to it and we finally got around to talking about expectations, it turned out that Adam still didn’t see us as a dating thing, but was interested in exploring other options, such as a FWB situation. I tried it; he came over a couple of times, just for kicks. But just like he told me that time that he doesn’t think about me when he gets a spare moment…I don’t fantasize about him when I get a spare moment. And thus it doesn’t interest me to maintain any sexual relationship with him at all. He DID look pretty good when I saw him for the first time after a year, though. I’m not usually a facial hair fan, but a beard on him makes him a little hotter. But still…eh.

Can’t Win With Ben

I was able to somewhat successfully wean myself off of him – at first. We had never really talked daily, but I still found myself trying to keep up contact every few days like “normal” in the days/weeks after he cut things off. Yet slowly, but surely, I managed to go longer and longer without feeling the urge to talk to him and even had a good two-week streak going…until the Monday before last, when I contacted him to gloat somewhat about an update on a newsworthy event that we had previously debated over.

Our sporadic conversation ended up continuing throughout the week and I noticed that his responses became progressively more flirty/sexual in nature toward me. He started asking for certain kinds of x-rated pictures (which he did not get…but PG-13 ones, sure) which I found AWFULLY PECULIAR given that this was the same guy who not long ago reamed me out for asking him for just a basic face selfie, all due to his fancy relationship. Hmmm…trouble in paradise? I didn’t even ask. His behavior said it all. In any case, this all culminated in us making plans to meet up again this evening.

And admittedly, I was excited. I couldn’t be sure exactly what was going on with his wonderful relationship, but I wanted to see him again and I wanted him to touch me again. But in the past few days I started sensing exactly what was going to happen. I could just feel it even though I hadn’t heard from him since Monday.

Last night I asked if we were still on and he finally responds this morning that “he thinks things are getting serious with the person he’s seeing.” Um…okay, dude.

I asked why, if things were so “serious,” he had solicited me to come over, and he said that they had “patched things up” over the past few days. Ah, so there WAS in fact trouble in paradise. Nice.

I asked him if he thought it was good idea if we just didn’t talk, and he said he didn’t mind staying friendly, but we probably shouldn’t continue as we had been. Yeah…DUH. Although I think there’s something to be said for the fact that he didn’t leap at the obvious chance I gave him to kick me out of his life completely. Maybe.

I explained that the problem is that we are going to have trouble just remaining “friendly” and that his seemingly volatile relationship status encourages temptation in him that will likely just result in me getting toyed with since I am attracted to him.

He didn’t read all of that immediately, and I didn’t say anything for a while until I took some time to think, and then finally I just told him my overall assessment of the situation: that I don’t believe they ever really broke up even once he got re-deployed here and were together even throughout the brief period we were hanging out, but obviously given the long distance capacity now the connection is starting to ebb and flow somewhat (hence this “push and pull” pattern with me). I added on that I’m going to give him some breathing room. I had it phrased initially as I’m not going to contact him again, but I didn’t want it to sound so final, or like I’m angry. Because I’m not, and I made sure to emphasize that.

He’s never really been dishonest, but more so vague and has omitted certain truths. I guess all in the interest of not appearing to be a scumbag. The fact is, he was ultimately cheating on his girlfriend with me. I don’t believe for one second that they ever broke up. I KNOW they didn’t because I saw the evidence with my own eyes. I could see him perhaps maintaining the single facade when he wanted to bang me those few times, but why bother lying once we were well over with the whole “we broke up and got back together” spiel? It’s almost as if he cares about my perception somewhat, for whatever reason.

In any case, as I said to him, I just don’t want to be subject to being yanked back and forth when he is having relationship rough patches.

What I didn’t say, but what is certainly true, is that the bottom line is that I’m just immensely attracted to him and it’s hard for me to just be “friendly” with him. And even continuing to talk to him these past few weeks has just been me, in essence, kind of “poking the bear,” because I knew one of these days he might crack for whatever reason like he did last week. I was actually hoping he would. And he did briefly, but only just to push me away once again. *Sigh*

I left him with thoughts on how I had been looking forward to seeing and banging him, but I understand his situation. So if he ever wants to hang out for REAL, he can let me know.

And now I’m quitting Ben – cold turkey.

Reappearing Acts

I ended up hanging out with Martin again last Friday night. We tentatively scheduled to meet up a couple of days before but made no solid plans. I was ambivalent about whether I actually wanted it to happen or whether he himself would follow through, so I ended up scheduling dinner/drinks with a girlfriend of mine for Friday evening as well because she seemed to be under the weather and to need some companionship.

So when Martin texted me that afternoon asking if we were still on, I decided to try and combine the two because I would’ve felt bad about blowing him off. I told him I was meeting up with a girlfriend and that he would be welcome to join. He was hesitant at first about “interrupting” but I assured him it would be fine. I also spoke to said girlfriend – Alana – and made sure it was okay with her. She, too, was reluctant at first because she felt like she would just be the third wheel on a date, but I explained that Martin was just a guy I had gone on one date with and as of now it was more friendly than anything. She was cool with it.

Martin and I live near-ish to each other, and the meeting spot was a spot in a city about 25 minutes away, so he offered to come pick me up. I accepted. I thought that was sweet. Dinner was at 7 so I told Martin to be at my house at 6:30. Between getting off work and then, I had to squeeze in a microblading touch-up appointment I had at 5 p.m. I ended up getting home a little after 6 p.m. with just enough time to spare to care for the cat and refresh myself before he was there to pick me up.

Alana ran about 15 minutes late, but when she arrived I introduced them and everyone got along well and dinner was grand. As it was Friday night and I hadn’t driven, I got a little bit tipsy and then came up with the grand idea of going back to Martin’s place with him to play video games (while Alana was in the bathroom). He was with it, so he took me back and I played about 10 minutes of Fallout 4 and we watched maybe 15 minutes of The Conjuring 2 before we just decided to hit the hay. We drank a little more at his place so I was quite inebriated. I had warned him beforehand that there would definitely be no sex due to the boob situation and he was fine with that. We made out some but that was that.

In the morning we decided to watch the rest of The Conjuring 2 and then he dropped me back home. We had discussed next hanging out on Wednesday. We texted intermittently for the rest of the weekend about our Halloween shenanigans and on Tuesday he did follow up about hanging out the next day, but I never responded. I don’t know why. Or, I do – just not feeling it. But I guess that’s “ghosting” and it’s mean and I should say something though.

Meanwhile, Ross is being quite persistent. I did respond to his mushy diatribe and basically told him I have some issues with men to work through. He responded with how he was “gravely” hurt twice and not ready to open up about it, but does want to hang out. He asked to bring me lunch at work the next day (Monday) but that was my first day back after being off for a week due to my boob job and I knew I’d have a mountain of work to catch up on, so I declined, but suggested maybe a happy hour during the week. He didn’t respond for a couple of days, then texted me on Wednesday about a buddy of his dying on early Tuesday morning from some sudden medical issue. I told him I was sorry but then I didn’t respond for the next few days even though he texted me every day thereafter. On Sunday, he asked why I hadn’t been responding and I told him I had had a rough, tiring, week. Which I had. My boss – who was the best in the world – was leaving for another job and it was her last week so it made me kind of down in the dumps all week, plus the effort of planning for a surprise send-off for her on Friday. I wasn’t getting a lot of sleep and really wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody.

He asked why it was rough but I didn’t respond and then 8 hours later get a petulant “Hello?” so I finally ask what exactly it is he wants from me. He went into how he wants to get to know me…hasn’t met anyone else he’s had an interest in since meeting me…he has a “vibe it’s worth a try”…blah, blah, blah. I told him I may be willing to hang out and this pattern of texting ensues:

Ross

Jesus…certainly very persistent. I did finally halfway agree to a date for tomorrow night although I have a sushi lunch gathering at a girlfriend’s house in the afternoon and don’t really know how long that will be, if I will feel like going out afterward, or if I really want to go out with Ross. But then if I don’t, I guess I should tell him.

THEN, to top all that off, I get a text from a mysterious phone number yesterday afternoon soon after I got home from work. I tried looking it up in my email (I have an app that backs up every text I send or receive to an email folder, for situations exactly like these), but nothing came up. So after small bit of a song and dance about who it was, it turned out to be none other than Adam, the guy who unceremoniously kicked me to the curb last year.

So, it did just so happen that last week I got to catching up with my buddy, Clyde, who is a coworker of Adam’s. After the original implosion, I vented to Clyde about the situation in the hopes that maybe some of it would get back to Adam because I felt bad about my reaction and Adam had blocked me on pretty much every medium. And, of course, tried a half-assed attempt at smoothing things over with Adam that yielded zero results. Then I moved on with my life.

From time to time, although he had blocked me, I’d still see Adam in pictures on Facebook through either his job or mutual friends, but I didn’t particularly feel any certain kind of way and I never reached out again. A colleague of Clyde’s ended up adding me on Facebook, and I learned through pictures of his that he was friends with Adam as well, and possibly even a former roommate. I’ve never spoken to him though – not sure if he knows about me and Adam or not and it’s really not consequential to anything. In my Bumble travels a couple of months ago, I also ran across Adam’s profile, but I definitely swiped left. And that was about it as far as Adam goes until yesterday.

I was just texting with Clyde last week to catch up and I mentioned my boob job and joked that “Adam lost out,” but it definitely was not really for any purpose of trying to get to Adam – just an honest joke. But then come yesterday, Adam says that Clyde mentioned me to him the other day so he just thought he would reach out. We did some brief catching up and then he wanted to know “if everything is cool now.” I assured him I was over it. He then asked if I had any interest in talking to him. I asked what he would like to talk about and then he randomly asked how we originally met. I replied with “Bumble” and he said he just wanted to make sure it was me because it “didn’t sound like me,” whatever that means. I guess maybe he was expecting fireworks and a parade because he suddenly texted me out of the blue after that shit he pulled last year – uh, what exactly is it you want me to say?

Be that as it may, we ended up having cordial conversation for most of the evening. He did in fact try subtly sniffing around my status by asking “how the rest of the male population is treating me,” AKA “Are you single?” so I’m sensing a little interest there I think, although who knows if it’s genuine or it will just be the same shit all over again. He ended up ending conversation by saying he’s going to bed because he has to be up early. I bade him good night and that was that.

I figure if it was honestly just to “catch up” and see how I’m doing, then that will be the end of it. If he ends up texting me again, then I will know he wants more.

But what I want…I don’t really know.