Well we can certainly go ahead and call the Adam situation at this point: it’s going to be a gigantic bust. A Category 5 disaster, really. As of around 7:30 this evening, to be exact. Fitting that I wrote about him just a week ago in the spirit of cautious optimism and now here I am 7 days later. Oh, the circle of life!
In the last week, contact had remained sporadic and evolved into pretty much me being the sole initiator eventually. That did make me a feel a certain type of way, but in the spirit of trying to be “understanding” to his hectic life and NOT to seem clingy or unable to deal, I didn’t press matters. I knew he had finals coming up next week so I resolved to suck it up and hold off on pressuring him in any way to see if things change after then.
We talked very little Monday. Not at all Tuesday. I sent him just an emoji last night which he never responded to.
My friend Manny had invited me to join him out after work for happy hour at a wine bar where I met up with him and partook in a couple of glasses of wine. My phone battery was low so I gave it to the bartender to charge behind the bar for about 40 minutes or so. When I got it back, I had a text from Adam that had come through about 30 minutes before: “Hi [Lousy Minx]”
I could tell just by the random formality of it, with him saying my name and all, what was coming.
Cue a litany of proverbial kicks to the gut: He’s just not that into it. His mind just doesn’t turn to me when he has a spare moment [and actually, that is one of the most hurtful, but patently articulate explanations of plainly not being into someone that I have ever heard; it illustrates lack of interest very plainly]. He’s not seeing us becoming much.
Wow. Okay. I was pretty stunned just with the suddenness with which it all came, but I couldn’t really say I was 100% surprised. The spare moment remark hit the nail on the head and it’s something I’ve always known in a general sense – no one is ever THAT busy that they don’t have time to reach out to someone throughout the day if they’re into that person. Modern technology has rendered that virtually impossible. I wasn’t hearing from him because he wasn’t thinking about me. That’s it. Again, super hurtful to hear, but true.
That was all pretty bad, yet it was still generally stuff I can take in stride although I might not like hearing it. But when he remarked that our lack of doing anything together made his interest wane, I got kind of ticked off.
We hadn’t done anything together lately because he said he was too busy to, but then he blames us not doing anything together for his interest dissipating? That doesn’t make any sense and though I didn’t really like anything about his diatribe, I liked that part the least of all.
So at that point I said a few choice things about the timing of this…after he gets in my pants, of course. He didn’t like me “making it seem like there’s malice on his part” and took me as starting to insult him, so said he was done here. He said that this is why guys don’t want to broach the subject in the first place and just “fade away.”
Yeah, that’s probably true. People tend to want to avoid confrontation, but it’s not like you are excused from someone else’s feedback about the bad news you’re telling them just because you are being an honest (i.e. decent) person. Communication is a two-way process. Thanks for stepping up, but no, I’m not going to be happy either way. It’s just easier for me to swallow when I “know” as opposed to not knowing so earnestness is always appreciated.
When he got tired of me “painting him as a villain for being honest” he decided he was definitely done. At that point, having had the mood with Manny soured and wanting to get the hell out of dodge, I left the bar and walked to my car where I decided to try to call Adam to have an actual conversation. My intent was honestly to try to sort things out with actual verbal communication as we had become kind of heated with each other obviously and I wanted to try to backtrack a little. Two things were for sure: I’m PMSing and was slightly buzzed. So I’m a little more sensitive and emotional than normal and it’s not translating well through text.
Well that didn’t turn out to be a good idea because he refused to answer and so it just made me more pissed and I asked him to answer through text and called him several more times hoping he would do so. And I got a little ignorant through text when he wouldn’t with childish insults about his bedroom skills and how he isn’t as big as he thinks he is – bratty tantrum behavior. Of course none of it got me anywhere besides him eventually blocking my number. And on Facebook, though I hadn’t tried through there. I just figured that was the next logical step so I checked and was right on the money.
I get it…I acted out. I can handle being kicked to the curb but sometimes I just need to vent and I don’t take being ignored that well and act like a semi-crazy bitch for a little bit. It tends to be more about getting ANY kind of reaction when I am being blatantly ignored. Maybe I am crazy…I don’t know.
So there goes that. Down in flames, per the norm. I couldn’t even contact him now if I wanted to, so I’m actually kind of glad he blocked me because there’s no point in me even being tempted to try in the future. After taking a few minutes to let my emotions settle, I did resort to my last option: Bumble. We’re still matched on there. I sent him a few choice messages to somewhat apologize and somewhat try to explain my mindset. It won’t help matters at all but I just wanted to say what I wanted to say.
We’re still matched as of now so I can only assume he hasn’t gotten them for some reason; otherwise I don’t know why he hasn’t blocked me there too. Maybe he ended up throwing his phone out of a window or setting it on fire to be rid of me.
I’m not really sure how I feel about this all yet. Generally okay. I was hopeful about Adam and it always sucks to be the rejectee, but I haven’t cried or anything and don’t really feel like feeling that sorry for myself about it. It is what it is. I already know where we went wrong: it was my whole vacation week where sex somehow became the primary focus of everything. It veered us off the promising path we had been on and it happened too soon and we had nowhere to go from there.
I don’t really think there are specific rules about sex. I’ve had guys I’ve slept with pretty quickly both be into me and not be into me. Every situation is different. But Adam did make a good point when I hinted at feeling used. He said that one of the detriments of sleeping with a guy too early is that you really don’t know at that point if you two REALLY have a shot of making it at that point either way. The meaning being that the sex can’t necessarily be said to be a source of causation of the implosion – you just might not have made it anyway. So I can’t really say if he used me or not…maybe it was just not mean to be. I thought that was actually kind of profound.
And in thinking about other aspects of an early sex entrance into things, another hindrance to that whole course of action is that sex has a tendency to cloud how you may actually feel about someone. There are chemicals released during sex whose functions in part are literally to make you feel closer to your partner, for evolutionary “continuance of the human race” reasons and all that good stuff. To that end, it just naturally feels extra jacked up when someone gives you the heave ho after you’ve slept with him.
It’s hard to predict after a mere two weeks whether something has a shot. I guess my problem is that I tend to rely on what I feel is quality of a connection vs. quantity of a connection. In other words, the amount of time I’ve known someone doesn’t feel as important as how often we are speaking during that time and how much of a vibe we seem to have. At the end of the day, I think I am good at “acting” extroverted out of necessity, but am actually an introvert. I’m a loner by nature and generally feel like I have a harder time feeling the need to want to be connected to begin with and then on top of that feeling an interest in a particular person. So when someone inspires me like that in any way, it tends to feel significant.
So here I am, still single. I think I’m going to take some time to reflect and lose 10 pounds or something.