I went to sleep last night thinking my emotions concerning the Robbie situation were pretty much settled and that I could just be okay with it and move on. But when I woke up this morning…not so much.
I realized I was still angry. And even more than that…feeling kind of spiteful. Spiteful enough to break my word and proceed with sending the girlfriend every single last text message Robbie and I ever exchanged just so she can be crystal clear about how sneaky, deceptive, and depraved her boyfriend really was. To her and to me.
I just felt like being a vengeful bitch, really. I felt like – in case she might be (foolishly) leaning towards forgiving him and staying with him to work things out – completely obliterating any chance of that happening. And I know, even if she’s still dumb enough to give him another chance as things stand now, those texts would probably quickly put an end to any thoughts of that.
I know it and he knows it. That’s why he was practically begging me not to do that yesterday.
I decided to be nice and at least try to talk about it with him first. I texted him to warn him that I was feeling that way since it’s not especially nice to find out after investing so much effort and energy into someone that you’ve been the his fool all along. He offered a weak apology and then whined about me making him feel even worse when he’s already hurting inside and hadn’t slept well all night. Cry me a river.
Then, I guess because I didn’t answer quickly enough and he was paranoid, he called me. To ask me again to please, please, please just leave it alone and not to add more fuel to the fire. He was adamant that they are done…she told him she seriously doubts there’s any hope for them at any point in the future. He declared yesterday the worst day of his life and said he wishes he could fast forward to two months from now when he’ll be over it. Awwwwww.
A tiny, sadistic portion of me kind of savored hearing him wallow in his own misery. And admittedly, it was basically a bit of a power trip. He needs me, in a way. A week and a half ago he was kicking me to the curb like I was nothing, and now he needs me as an ally so that I don’t make him look like even more of a jackass than he already does. A week and a half ago he wanted nothing to do with me, now all of a sudden we can maybe be friends. He even alluded to some kind of possible romantic future between us if he’s “perfectly single” and over everything some months down the road.
Ha! Yeah…because you’re such a catch and I will still want you then. Doubt it. The fact of the matter is, he’s only being (somewhat) amicable with me for the moment because he’s afraid I’ll pull the trigger on sending those texts. He apologized several times for hurting me, but I know he doesn’t really mean it. He only cares because he lost his girlfriend. He’s only sorry because he got caught. I’m sure he’s hurting over his girlfriend, but I don’t for one minute thing he cares anything about my feelings. He’s sorry that I was smart enough to put 2 and 2 together and to get him caught. He’s so transparent. He’s just trying to placate me. Funny how the tables have turned. It amuses me a little to see him sitting on pins and needles now, scared that I’ll let out all his dirt.
But really, there’s very little chance that I’ll do it. It’ll only keep things going, and I really do want to move on. If she gets back with him, that’s on her. He’s already cheated on you 2 confirmed times, even going so far as to break off an engagement…how many times has he done it and NOT been caught? She even said herself that she didn’t think I was the only one. Some relationship.
He texted me a little while after our phone conversation to tell me that he’s going to work on becoming a better person. And that maybe getting caught will help him to change, so he thanks me. Right.
In other news…I attended an open bar holiday party on Wednesday night and thus got the better part of tipsy.
In my less-than-lucid state of mind, I decided to text Dusty. And to call him. He didn’t respond to either attempt, which is just as well. I sent him a text the next day to apologize and promised him he’d never hear from me again. That was Embarrassment #1.
Not satisfied with that, I then drunk dialed Blaze. Ugh. He wasn’t bothered by it, but still….Embarrassment #2.
I also managed to engage in measures that I’m sure cemented my status as an official stalker by partaking in some supremely obvious, and probably annoying, Facebook stalking of a silly crush. So mortifying. That’d be Embarrassment #3.
I apologized to Blaze the next morning, and only half-seriously asked him to bring me a Gatorade. To my surprise, he actually did it. And what do you know? He was actually at my house for the better part of an hour. Wow! We even cuddled some. I’m sure he had ulterior motives and I gave him a little bit of play, but only for old times’ sake. I’m not really trying to fall back down into that rabbit hole.