Tinder Life Lessons

Redd informed me the night before last that his girlfriend from home found a job here and will be coming to live with him sometime in the next week. So that’s pretty much over before it even had a chance to start. Not that I was really into him or anything, but he had been starting to grow on me a little bit. He said he had been starting to like me too. He’s a nice guy and I was hoping for the chance to get to hang out with him at least once more, soberly. But that’s not a likely possibility in the short time frame we have remaining due to conflicting work schedules.

Nevertheless, he still wants to have sex with me. Surprise, surprise. But it doesn’t seem to be so much in a sleazy, booty-callish way…he really seems to be genuinely taken with me. He said there’s something “super intriguing” about me and has told me repeatedly that he can’t wait to see me again. I mean, I’m sure lust is 70% of his motivation, but he seems to actually like me underneath it all. He remarked that if he were single, he would definitely wine and dine me. But alas, he’s not. Even still, he’s already scheming as to how to make this work with her living with him. He said he’ll just have to come to my place now. Men…

Meanwhile, in Tinderland, I managed to have another brief encounter with someone who may or may not be a sociopath. I seem to attract these types of people, unfortunately. I believe it was Saturday morning that I woke up to messages from this guy about how “spectacular” I am. We made basic “getting to know you” conversation throughout the day and all was well until the point when he asked me if I typically talk to one guy at a time or if I like to play the field.  I told him it was a little of both. That translated to him as me liking to “sleep around” which is “gross.” I advised him that as a single woman, I date (or something like it). And sometimes I sleep with people that I want to sleep with. It’s part of dating. I never realized that it was a federal crime to do so.

Let it be noted that I AM in fact a single girl and I like to do what I want and see who I want to see. However, I’m not specifically opposed to the idea of focusing on one guy if he’s worth it to me…I just never seem to progress to that point with anybody. So I’m just used to keeping my options open and not placing all my eggs in one basket.

Anyway…he got snippy at that point because I was being “sassy” and “putting words in his mouth,” and went on to explain that we won’t have a problem just as long as I understand that he expects monogamy once sex enters the picture.

I mean, but of course, darling, whatever you…oh, wait a minute…I’m sorry, but why the FUCK are we talking about this? We have been communicating through  Tinder for a total of maybe 8 hours. I’ve seen 5 pictures of you. I don’t even know your last name. We haven’t exchanged phone numbers. I would say that that’s a tad bit TOO soon to be having a conversation about relationship expectations.

What made it worse is, after calling me a slut in so many words, he went on to repeatedly allude to future bedroom activities between me and him, which was just weird. I’m sorry, but again, I don’t know who the hell you are? You’re demanding monogamy one moment and then bringing up possible sexual scenarios between us the next. There was just a lot of putting the cart before the horse going on and it was really turning me off.

The straw that finally broke the camel’s back was when I replied to one of his mentions of sexual activity that sex wasn’t really on the table right now. He got pissed and told me told me that the conversation is “painful” and he’s not into me anymore and there was a little bit of back and forth before he unmatched with me.

What a douchebag.

He wasn’t even really that hot, which is why I decided once again to reset my account and take it from the beginning. I realized I was going through profiles too fast and would end up matching with people that at second glance I really didn’t find that attractive. So I started over and have started being a bit more discerning. I’m pretty sure that I’ve gotten several matches with people that I don’t even remember seeing and definitely would not have swiped right for, but whatever. Again, no lofty expectations. If I happen to meet someone and end up hanging out, I’m not against it. But I’m not going to bend over backwards to do so. I rarely even initiate contact with matches.

I kind of had tentative plans to meet with a guy on Wednesday, but I haven’t heard from him and I really don’t care if I do or don’t.

Really it’s just mostly entertainment. It certainly is an interesting atmosphere in the Tinder universe, and I’ve learned so much from my mere week of experience, such as:

  • Men like sports.
  • Men like being outdoors.
  • Men like to post pictures of themselves playing golf, snowboarding, jet skiing or otherwise engaging in some type of activity that are not at all helpful in figuring out what they look like.
  • The hottest guy in a group photo is NEVER the guy in question.
  • 80% of the male population owns a “Keep Calm and Chive On” shirt.
  • A lot women apparently have pictures of themselves with tigers, and men do not like this for some reason.
  • A lot of women apparently take “duck face” selfies, and men do not find these attractive.
  • Men think any woman who quotes Marilyn Monroe is a lunatic.
  • The kids in the picture are always nieces or nephews.

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