New Year, Old Tricks

I have thus far not successfully been able to wean myself off of Blaze. He asks and I deliver. Maybe one day, when I can find someone else to occupy me substantially. So far that’s been a lot easier said than done though.

Last week I met my girlfriend, Carly, out and proceeded to get inebriated. Close to the end of the night I caught the attention of a guy who I believe was in the Army. I also recall him having dark hair and pretty blue eyes and kind of reminding me of Jake Gyllenhaal, although that might’ve merely been a liquor-induced delusion. Either way, still a nice looking guy. Army Guy sauntered up next to me and sat down and we ended up conversing extensively. Carly cut out a little early since she had work in the morning and so it was just me and Army Guy. He was out with his brother, his sister, and his sister’s boyfriend, though. He had a wedding ring on but I forget what he said about that situation. He made it seem like they were on the outs somehow, as I recall. And she wasn’t there, though, obviously.

When the bar starts getting ready to close, Army Guy asks me if I want to come hang out with his crew at his sister’s place or somewhere. Given that he’s married and that these people were his siblings of all things, I felt like that wouldn’t be the best idea…that it’d be inappropriate for him to bring home some random girl he picked up in a bar around his family and probably a little awkward for me, given his marital state. I relayed these concerns to him but he assured me that his sister wouldn’t mind because I’m cool and they had planned to hang out at her place after the bar anyway. Um, okay…if you say so…

We all walked out together and I watched and laughed from a ways away as he pulled his sister to the side and explained this scenario to her, obviously saying it like it was the best idea ever, and she looked over toward me with the dirtiest sneer ever just as I thought she would. Even still, he came waltzing back over to me assuring me that it was all good and I was perfectly welcome. Riiiiiiiiight.

His people got into a cab and he got into my car with me and we followed them for a little bit before deciding to turn off and do our own thing. And our “own thing” entailed stopping at a store for some condoms and going to a dark lot near the water to have sex in my car. My last sex of 2013. Going out with a bang, literally. How fitting. We exchanged numbers even though I think he was stationed out of state or something, but he said he was supposed to be moving here. Not really planning on staying in contact with him though, and I doubt he is with me.

In other news, I managed to reopen a can of worms that should’ve been left closed and I am 100% confident that I will regret it. I was hanging out in the house the other night drinking some wine when I suddenly got the urge to text Zach, an ex of mine. I hadn’t talked to him since June, after I had to chew him out and cut him loose for the umpteenth time. But I’d suddenly got to thinking about him lately and wondering how he’s doing and decided to give it a go.

I’ve known Zach almost 5 years now, and in that time we’ve been an on-and-off thing. Mostly off. That’s because there’s been a recurring pattern with him/us in that one minute he’ll talk and act like he really likes me and wants to get serious with me, and then the next he’ll be dating someone else and telling me he only likes me as a friend and/or only wants to hook up with me. We’ve repeated this pattern several times now and it’s terribly exhausting. I’ll get pissed and chew him out, or sometimes not even really care, but either way I’ll just figure he’s up to his same old nonsense again and we won’t speak for a while. But then somehow we’ll get back in contact (sometimes on my part, sometimes on his), there will be some of his sweet talk and/or some hanging out, and then just the same old thing all over again.

But I texted him the other night and we got to talking civilly and even said we missed each other and before I knew it we were making plans for him to come over Monday night after work. But he texted me Monday afternoon talking about how he doesn’t know if it’s a good idea that we hang out because he’s highly attracted to me, but only interested in hooking up. And he knows that’s probably not what I want so he doesn’t want us to fall out again. I told him he needn’t worry about that because he’s not the only one on my plate.

The disconnect between us has always been over sex, because the fact that it always feels like he’s playing games with me has made me reluctant to be sexual with him. Yet he maintains that he can’t really be interested in a girl without sex being involved, so when I don’t have sex with him he just loses interest and goes elsewhere. But then there are the occasional moments when he says something sweet or actually really DOES seem to like me, or to be trying to make a true effort. But then he’ll just turn into a douchebag again.

He ended up not coming over Monday because he stayed late at work, but we rescheduled for Saturday. He said he’s going to bring food and wine over and we can relax and watch a movie.

We shall see…

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