Hopeless

Well, not much has changed here. My career is looking up, but my love life is still pretty pathetic. I did manage to break my sex drought with Caesar, but it was only one time back in July and it was not a remarkable experience. I’ve barely spoken to him since although we still work out of the same building and thus see each other from time to time. I’m not attracted to him anymore though.

Otherwise, here I am still…29 and single. Starting to hear my biological clock tick. Still struggling to find out how to connect with somebody.

My most recent dating disaster involved a guy I’ll call Robo. He’s a colleague that I knew of, but only actually met in person in early February when I happened into the same bar. I knew who he was when I saw him though. Even though I’d never met him, I’d always kind of admired him due to his reputation for being really physically strong. He flirted with me somewhat, but was very standoffish most of the night. When the bar shut down he walked me to my car somewhat begrudgingly, but then gave me his phone number. I texted him on a tipsy note when I got home and he explained that he’s just very private and didn’t want the other guys he works with in his business, but said that he wanted me to have his number all along and that he liked me. Seemed like a good start to me.

Well from there, it went downhill, like 100% of my encounters with men do. He wasn’t very prompt with answering text messages and that annoyed me. And I don’t mean he didn’t text me back within seconds, but it would be several days of him not answering for hours or even at all. He explained that he was really into training and working out and so wasn’t always available to answer the phone and I accepted that. We kind of fell out once after he literally did not answer me for 3 days but we made up and even made plans to hang out. He was supposed to come over one evening so I could cook him dinner but canceled at the last minute with some bullshit excuse about work. I was irritated, but I got over it and thought we’d reschedule. Well, then I didn’t hear shit from him for the next 5 days despite my daily greetings to him and then when I finally did hear from him, he told me that he was getting back together with an ex. And to top it off, it turned out he gave me his work phone number and not his main phone number, which made sense given him not answering text messages for days at a time.

I happened to see him in the bar the next week and we talked a bit and then he told me it wasn’t an ex, but someone he just met that stole his heart or some shit. Really, dude? He said we’d talk some more but then sneaked out eventually. I texted him when I got home in an irate manner and he said that life is unpredictable and he met someone he cared deeply about. Again…really?  So that conversation did not go well and I left it alone for a couple of weeks. Then I texted him eventually to apologize and make peace and he did not respond. I texted him again in the early morning hours of St. Patrick’s Day and still no response. Then finally today I asked why he was being so mean and he told me he’s not being mean, but he’s in a relationship. I told him I’m no longer interested in him romantically, but just wanted to clear the air so we can be cordial to one another should we cross paths again, that’s all. And I apologized for my vicious behavior and he accepted and I wished him well in his relationship.

But honestly, I really don’t wish him well. Because I’m tired of being the loser in all these love battles. So you basically meet me and another girl around the same time, but for some reason she’s the one who wins your affection and not me? And why is that, exactly? I feel like I’m always on the losing end. Like I’m just chopped liver or something. For once, I would just like to meet a guy I like and have him give some type of damn about me too…just ONE TIME. I’m just starting to think that I’m just some terrible, defective person in some way that I can’t see that makes guys look at me and never see someone they would want to be with. It’s a very sad feeling. And I’m not exaggerating when I say “for once”…I’ve never been in a serious relationship because I’ve literally NEVER been able to sustain a connection with anyone I really like. It’s like if I’m into a guy, then it is automatically made so that he will not be into me.

The one thing I know that hinders me a lot is the fact that I get infatuated really easily. And I get infatuated easily I guess because I’m generally starving for affection yet I’m so picky that I rarely ever meet anyone that I’m solidly attracted to. But when I do meet that person finally, I probably come on unattractively strong. I almost feel like once I get a guy’s number, I should force myself not to talk to him for 2 weeks or so until the initial butterflies have settled. Because anytime before then, I read too much into everything said to me and if I sense a level of enthusiasm less than my own, it drives me crazy.

I am slightly crazy, but not Fatal Attraction crazy.

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