Famine

There’s still been no sex in the champagne room. Tomorrow will put me at 7 months on the dot. Wow. It’s like being pregnant, only once the 9 months are up I get no pretty baby or child support to look forward to.

Strangely enough, sometimes I find myself actually wanting a baby. That’s one of the last things I need right now, but I guess I’m starting to hear my biological clock ticking away.

I’m a year older now…28. Blah. In my mind, I’m 25 though. For my birthday, one of my coworkers/good friends, Derek, took me to lunch and the movies. We saw Paranormal Activity 2. I didn’t sleep with the light on like I did after I saw the first one, so that’s what I call progress. Really, it just wasn’t as scary.  After that I just relaxed at home to myself with a bottle of wine. If I had taken the time to actually plan I probably would’ve gone out with a few friends. But I just didn’t care enough to put actual effort into my birthday. I never really do. I’m still alive, that’s enough for me. I run the streets and drink enough on plenty of other days out of the year, why not do something different?

I’m getting fat again so I’ve finally started MAKING myself stick to a regular gym regimen. My work hours can be rather erratic and tiring, so I’ve always resigned myself to just going to the gym whenever I feel like I’m up to it. That translated into almost never. I still kept up with jogging fairly regularly, but it’s getting cold and running in freezing air isn’t pleasant. It kinda burns the lungs. Plus I like weight exercises. So I finally realized last week that enough is enough and I MUST set aside certain days for the gym with no ifs, ands, or buts about it, so I designated Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays. And that is that. So far, so good. Now if I could just get the old men to stop trying to hit on me…

Pretty Ricky’s paper is about 90% done. I emailed him the introduction several days ago and he was really impressed. Now I just need to write a proper conclusion to it, proofread, check the formatting, and that’ll be that. I find myself more anxious about this paper than if it were my own because if it gets a poor grade, not only will I feel bad for his sake, but it’ll be slightly embarrassing on my part.  I mean, I think it’s well written but I’m not sure if my analysis is that compelling or makes any sense. I guess the fact that someone else is depending on me adds a new dimension to it all. Like, I don’t wanna let him down. If I let myself down, then oh well. Letting someone else down sucks.

I’m still kind of trying to figure out why I did this for him. As a peace offering? To impress him? Because I still like him? To get him to like me again? To feel powerful? To feel in control? To feel needed by him? Because I’m a good person? Because I genuinely care about him?

Who knows…

Yesterday, Curly attempted to invite himself over for today. FAIL. Yeah, um…YOU do not decide that you’re coming to get some whenever you feel like it, especially when I don’t even talk to you on the regular like that. No thanks.

And this is precisely why I refuse to give it up to anybody these days. I’m hungry for a MAN and yet I’m surrounded by these little boys.

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