Right of First Refusal

So Zach and I haven’t hung out since whatever night it was that we watched The Crazies on my couch and I fell asleep with my head on his chest within the first 20 minutes.

Since then, I’ve made the effort to hit him up on the regular and express a light interest in hanging out again, but the enthusiasm on his part hadn’t been so pronounced. A few weeks back he said he’d just gotten some bad news and it was really getting to him, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was. I fell asleep after that conversation and dreamed that he’d gotten someone pregnant. I asked him the next day if that was the situation and he said no. A week or so later, he admitted that that had in fact been the case. He’d had sex with someone he allegedly hated and she told him she might be knocked up, but I guess it turned out she wasn’t and Zach was thoroughly relieved.

I wasn’t bothered by it. In fact, I was just happy to know that my intuition was in fact correct. I knew I had that dream for a reason. I ain’t no fool. Men are always thinking that they can outsmart a woman’s intuition…

Since that episode, we hadn’t been in much contact. I hit him up yesterday afternoon to express my discontent at the fact that we haven’t hung out lately. After a little bit of conversation, Zach informs me that he has been “kind of” seeing someone, so if we hung out, it could only be as friends. He went on to say that they just became “official” recently, and then had the ever-so-patronizing nerve to ask if there were any new men in my life.

That news certainly caught me off guard, and I will admit that I was quite upset over it to begin with. I mean, I thought he liked ME.

We had some words, during which he told me that he just doesn’t have feelings like that for me. Eventually (keep in mind that this conversation took place off and on over several hours) he started saying that the fact that I wouldn’t have sex with him kind of threw him off; he met this girl and she’s “cool” and plus she lets him go in the back door on the regular just how he likes. Zach loooooooooooooooves anal sex. He was the first and only man I’ve done it with and while I found it tolerable, it certainly wasn’t pleasurable.

Anyway, by the end of this long off-and-on discussion/argument, we ended up fairly okay and even said goodnight to each other, so it’s not like we’re enemies now. I probably won’t have much to say to him from here on out – I’ll let him concentrate on this new wonderful relationship that sprang up suddenly – but I don’t hate him.

I admitted to him (and myself) that I wasn’t sure if I had been upset because I genuinely liked him, or if I simply thought that I should have been given the “right of first refusal.” But apparently he took my reluctance to have sex with him as a refusal, so maybe I was given that option after all. I’m not convinced that this wouldn’t have ended up happening even if I had been fucking him though. So I’m glad I kept my goodies to myself.

The “new” him made me interested in hanging out with him more and MAYBE exploring something down the road if it came to that, but I can’t even say that I really liked him romantically at this point. If I did, I would’ve been contacting him more than every few days and I’d have been much more persistent in trying to hang out with him. All in all, I guess it’s just more of an ego thing. No love lost.

In other news, I attempted to make peace with Mr. Smooth the Wednesday before last via text. I’d mentioned previously in here that I’d initiated minor contact with him on Facebook. Nothing was acknowledged of course.

Why bother, you might ask. Well, to me, all these hard feelings turns it into a “thing” and it doesn’t need to be a “thing.” I don’t want to cross paths with him (which is inevitable) and have to ignore him. Yeah, I saw him at bar a little while back and managed to get through being in his presence successfully, but that required energy that could be better focused elsewhere. In all actuality, ignoring someone requires paying quite a bit of attention to him. I just want to be able to say Hi and keep it moving. I don’t want to have to think to myself that Mr. Smooth is currently standing or sitting over here, or over there, so let me be sure not to turn my head that way. That’s stupid.

So I decided to try and text him on the aforementioned Wednesday. This did not go well. He wouldn’t answer of course, and I expressed my confusion over what his big issue with me is at this point. He told me to stop texting him, threatened me, blah blah blah.

At that point, I was truly confused over all the animosity on his part. Like, really? I understand that we’re not going to be best friends or anything, but is it necessary to be such a dick? I’m the one who got my feelings hurt out of this scenario, so why the FUCK are YOU mad? If I can step up and try to establish a cordial relationship when in reality I could be the bitter woman and try to make your life a living hell in any fashion I get an opportunity to, then why can’t you just be fucking polite back. I sent him a message on Facebook to relay these thoughts, and more. This was the next morning. I won’t bore you with it in its entirety because situations like this tend to make me quite verbose, but it started with “I just want you to know that I find it unsettling that you have so much animosity toward me” and ended with “I know this won’t matter and you’ll probably continue to be a dick to me. Me being honest with you about my feelings has never done any good for me. But this is just how I felt after sleeping on it.”

And what do you know? The bastard actually answered. And it wasn’t a short response, he actually wrote a paragraph. The main idea of it was that while he doesn’t hate me, there are “ways” about me that he doesn’t like and some “other side” of me that he’d rather not deal with. He’s talked about these “ways” of mine from time to time, but he never explains what he means. I regaled him with a lengthy response to explain my thoughts on the matter, but as I suspected, he didn’t answer. I knew lightning wouldn’t strike twice. And really, I guess I didn’t really need him to reply. I suppose I got all the explanation/closure I needed at this point with what he wrote in the first place.

I’m well aware of what some of my bad characteristics are. I definitely know that I’m impatient and maybe the slightest bit self-centered/spoiled so that when I don’t get my way, I might act out a bit. In fact, that’s exactly what Zach told me last night – “You’re acting like a spoiled brat who didn’t get her way.” That actually made me think of Mr. Smooth because I’m sure that that’s probably one of the “ways” that he refers to. Coincidentally, Zach and Mr. Smooth have the same name. That inspired me to write a short message to Mr. Smooth after the Zach drama last night to remark on these two tidbits. I’m sure he won’t answer. I don’t care.

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