Love Don’t Live Here Anymore

I don’t know what it is about me when I’m long over guys, but it seems that it’s only when I am in fact over them that they wanna be all in my face again. And when I say “long over,” I’m talking about romances that have been over for several years.

There’s a friend of mine (perhaps a “former” friend at this point – more on that in a bit) that I used to see back in late 2006/early 2007. We shall call him Hawk. We dated casually for a few months. I ended up really liking him and was interested in pursuing something more serious, but he wasn’t. He especially let me know this one day by advising me that he considered me to be a mere “acquaintance.” I mean, damn, not even a friend? So much for the sex and the movie dates and bowling dates and all that…I’m just an acquaintance. Okay.

Obviously things didn’t work out too well romantically and I’m not even precisely sure when and how things ended, but in the years since we’ve kept in touch and become really cool. We’ve visited each other and gone to movies and chilled just as friends. No sex, no romance – just friends. I feel like it was about a year ago that I went over there though and he said something about how I’ve “matured” and he expressed his interested in pursuing something serious and then tried to kiss me or whatever, but nothing ever came out of that because I wasn’t interested. And obviously he really wasn’t either because he didn’t try too hard. Regardless, we still remained cool.

The sex was wack, so apart from when I liked him, I’ve never felt the urge again. He was tiny and just…not good.

He expanded from a condo to a house recently and has been inviting me over to see the house but I haven’t made it. I was supposed to go visit last week, but I didn’t get over there.

So last night he hits me up on Facebook chat and asks what happened to me last week. A few minutes of innocent banter ensues, however out of the blue he says that he thinks about me from time to time and wonders about the “what if’s.” Then he asks if I ever miss him. *Sigh*

I tried to deflect the question at first. I said “What’s to miss? We’re still friends :-)”. He told me never mind and to have a good night.

Fine. If you want the truth then I’ll give you the truth. I asked him why I’d miss him when he hurt my feelings and treated me the way he did. Not getting the answer he wanted, he tried to back-peddle and say he meant miss him in terms of “hanging out.” Riiiiiiiight. I told him it’s very clear what he meant, as that whole “what if” business preceded it. He told me again to have a good night and signed off.

I just so happened to notice like an hour ago that he deleted me. Bastard. I sent him a text to tell him that I didn’t know it was that serious. He hasn’t answered. Oh well. Another one bites the dust I guess.

In general, it seems that only the men I’m totally NOT interested in are interested in me and it’s so frustrating.

Non-exes, I try to let down easily as long as they’re respectful and don’t annoy me. It always feels good to be admired.

Exes are a different story though. I tend to resent the fact that they didn’t return the feelings I had for them WHEN I had them but now wanna come at me after I’m so long over it and expect a positive result. I’m more likely to give it to them straight just like I did Hawk: Sorry, not interested anymore.

I try to figure out why it is that people are more likely to be interested in me when I’m NOT into them and I realize that it’s because I’m NOT: insecure, self-conscious, impatient, pressed, demanding, overly-emotional, or any of the other unattractive traits that are especially at risk of emerging when I’m into someone and will only end up manifesting themselves in ways that end up sabotaging the relationship.

When I’m just going on about my business and enjoying my life, I’m smart, funny, independent, and confident. I’m smiling and laughing and being silly and having a good time. I’m still this same person mostly even when there’s a love interest, but sometimes all those bad traits overshadow my good ones.

I suppose it’s a matter of understanding that a person who’s right for me and deserves me should bring out the best in me in any case, never the worst. More evidence that I’m probably just dating the wrong people.

But the fact also remains that sometimes exes just realize they may have passed up on something they shouldn’t have. I have my issues but I know I’m not THAT bad. Sometimes it’s not my fault. They let me get away and only realize later when it’s too late what could’ve been.


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