Recent failed romances and the resulting internal struggles and introspection have inspired me to adopt a new outlook on life that entails less looking back, less holding on (that is, to things/people that obviously don’t want to be held on to), and more moving forward. And thus, here I am. Starting fresh.
I’m not angry, bitter, or even really hurt (anymore). I don’t blame anyone for anything. People are what they are and I’m smart enough to know what they are, I just never wanted to believe my intuition or instincts. All I am is just slightly disappointed in myself. For so long I’ve demeaned myself for them, belittled myself for them, humiliated myself for them, shamelessly chased them and thrown myself at them. Men. I’ve let them make me feel like I’m nothing, let them make me feel like I’m defective somehow, let them make me feel like I don’t matter. I’ve begged them, pleaded with them, said or did whatever I thought I had to say or do to make them care. And they never have. But I understand now. So even though a lot of them were real assholes, I don’t blame them solely. I know I have my faults. I get what they are now. And I’m working on them.
That’s the mentality from which I come. It’d be too much to try and go back and explain the specific who, what, when, where, or why, so I’m just starting here. Now. Anew. Letting bygones be bygones and finally learning the lessons I should’ve learned long ago. Better late than never.
My short-term focus over the next couple of months is getting back into shape. I’ve been slacking off horribly in the past few months with going to the gym, and it shows.
- The pooch. It’s getting out of control. When I’m exercising regularly and eating semi-decently, I can maintain a 4-pack without much effort. You can see faint traces of it even now. Hey, who knows, if I try really hard, maybe I’ll even develop the last 2!
- The waistline. Or lack thereof. My waist-to-hip ratio measured at .75 (apparently, the ideal for women is around 0.70), but it looks like I have no waist at all. I’m not interested in looking like a Coke bottle, but I could use some more definition in that area.
- The pooch, part deux: The side. Not a terribly fat gut, but I won’t be wearing any cropped shirts any time soon.
- Side fat. Toning needed, desperately.
- Back rolls. Not attractive at all, although ironically, I have more of a defined waistline from the back than from the front.
On the bright side: I have a great rack, if I do say so myself. 9 out of 10 lovers approve. 😉
So, yeah. This is the first time I’ve tried on a bikini this year and I don’t look as bad in it as I thought I would (especially given PMS bloating), but there’s obviously lots of room for improvement. I’m all over it. I went to the gym Monday after almost a month and hit the bike and the weights. I would’ve gone back yesterday too, but my period finally came and thus I wasn’t exactly in optimal working out condition. Wanted to go today, but I got held at work longer than I thought I’d be and by the time I got home this evening I was worn out.
Tomorrow though, I’m on it. For the next 2 months I’m going to be at the gym as much as I can stand. And more importantly than that, I’m going to eat better. I’m limiting my white rice and white bread, no more McDonald’s, no soda, no excessive junk food. More water, more salad.
A coworker who’s a budding photographer on the side wants to shoot me for his portfolio. He’s been asking me for a while and I’ve been putting it off because I knew my body wouldn’t look exactly the way I wanted, but I told him last night that I’m down for the last week of May or first week of June.